NOTE:  This is NOT me!

I realize that my loyal readers (all 5 of you), read this blog regularly, but I have to believe you must be getting tired of reading stories about my life from my point of view (even though my point of view is always correct…just ask my husband).

So I decided that from time to time I would switch it up, and provide blog entries from the point of view of people who interact with me in life, so I can see just how others view me and my craziness.

I thought I would start with my mailman, as I have a new mailman and I can only imagine what he thinks of his new route. So here is what I can only assume would be his diary entry, if he had a diary (and was a 7 year old girl in 1987).

notebook and penDear Diary,

Today I started my new job as a mailman. The main reason I took this job is because I wanted a job where I was allowed to wear shorts, yet still look professional.

Since Richard Simmons’ job was already taken (that guy sure can fill out a pair of size 2T shorts), I knew I had to go to work as a mailman.

I arrived at the hub, excited to get my shorts issued to me. I was expecting short shorts with glitter and white piping on the sides, and held my breath as the man measured me for my size.

I normally would have thrown a pair of rolled up socks into my underwear to provide a larger bulge, but since I don’t wear underwear, this wasn’t an option.

After being measured by the man for my shorts size, he presented me with my new costume uniform.  He didn’t go anywhere near my package during the measurements, which was disappointing considering I’m going to be delivering them..

I looked at my costume uniform and I was shocked. WHAT?! It was a pair of shorts that went down to my knees. Knees?!

mailmanWhat was this, 1876? Who wears shorts that go all the way to the knee? I might as well wear pants (or at least a cute pair of capris).

I was not happy about the long shorts, but I was happy with the way they showed off my calves, so I decided to let it go.

The cute guy measuring me for shorts also gave me a short sleeved button down shirt as well. I asked if I could cut off the sleeves to make it a bit more fashion forward, but he suggested I stick with the formal costume uniform.

It’s probably for the best, because he would be blown away by my biceps. After all, I’ve been working out with the Shake Weight.

I headed to my truck in my new costume so I could start my new job.

My truck was so manly! It had 2 doors and an engine taken from a 1992 Dodge Neon. So much power!

And I liked the way my thighs looked when I sat in the manly truck. I could pull my shorts up nicely to expose my shaved thighs. I was mesmerized by my legs, but realized I needed to focus on the task at hand.

delivering letterCutie costume guy gave me my satchel, which was filled with mail. I asked if there was a Prada version, or at least a bag in a different shade, as light blue isn’t really my color.

I’m an Autumn.

Cutie costume guy said this was all he had, but I’m pretty sure he liked the way I looked in my new costume. I winked at him, put the pedal to the floor, and zoomed away at 3 mph.

My first route was a neighborhood in the county, which was eclectic in the houses. There were cute houses, and some run down houses, and one home that was either a crack house or a brothel.

Naturally, I decided to follow up on that later.

I started walking my new route, thinking about how I would have paired different shoes with my ensemble, when I came across 1021. It was a cute house with pumpkins on the porch and an autumn wreath that was to die for.

mailboxesThis homeowner clearly had style. I walked up the steps to deliver the mail into the ultra cute mailbox when I heard approximately 100 dogs barking from all areas of the house.

Was this house a hoarder house? I secretly hoped so because I’ve been waiting for my big break, and being on that show could be it.

I looked down at the orthopedic shoe catalog I was delivering to this home, and saw it was addressed to Lisa Newlin.

Obviously she was an old woman with feet issues, and by the sounds coming from her house, she was clearly hoarding too many dogs.

I skimmed her mail and discovered an Us Weekly, along with a bill from AAA and a catalog from Penzey’s, which apparently is a catalog filled with spices.

Judging by her mail, I assume Lisa Newlin is approximately 80 years old. Poor thing is probably laid up in her sleep number bed that flexes up so she can watch Regis and Kelly in bed.

mail in holderI decided to make this Lisa Newlin my project, as she clearly will need assistance as she lives out her final days. I can only assume she is deaf, as the continuing barking dogs would get old unless someone was incapable of hearing them.

This poor woman clearly had a rough life. I put her mail in her mailbox and sniffed the door to see if it smelled like mothballs. It did.

I also noticed her plants had red pepper sprinkled all over them, which clearly was a sign that Lisa Newlin believed in voodoo.

I finished my route, all the while thinking about what kind of person Lisa Newlin must be.

I will keep you updated with my dealings with her, as I think she might be a senile old woman who needs some love and attention. And maybe since she’s old, she will know how to sew and can shorten my costume shorts.

I’ve got to go, as Project Accessory is starting and Molly Sims always has amazing shoes. Until next time,

Mailman Ricardo (How sassy does that sound?)