Add text***DISCLAIMER:  I realize my last post was about a photo of an old woman wielding weapons.  I also realize this post is about old people wielding different weapons:  their genitalia.  

I really don’t have a fetish, although I suspect that is a logical conclusion in light of these two back-to-back posts.  

But maybe, just maybe, yesterday’s post with a grandma packing heat was just a teaser for the real story:  old people prostitution.  END DISCLAIMER***

As you know, I like to keep updated on news and current events because I’m a super informed American.

Just to be clear, by “current events” I mean things like who got kicked off this week’s episode of The Bachelor and who is Kim Kardashian’s most recent poor dating choice.

In keeping with this trend, I got on line today to search for videos of puppies farting and then hiding from the smell.

Yes, I was at work, and yes, the conference call really was that boring.

As I was typing in “puppies and panty burps,” I noticed a headline on MSNBC strategically placed near the search bar.

The headline?  “Man, 75, Accused of Running Senior Prostitution Ring in New Jersey Senior Housing Complex.”

Yeah.  That happened.

What’s worse than a 75 year-old pimp running a sex ring of geriatric jezebels?  The mug shot of said pimp.  It truly looks like a morgue photo. Right?


Photo credit:

Grandma's cookiesApparently this is not a homicide photo, but the face of a guy who accepts social security checks in exchange for social diseases.

Naturally, this article derailed my search for flatulent puppies.  It also derailed my lunch, although I suddenly had a craving for Grandma’s Cookies.

As I returned from the vending machine, cookies in hand (and mouth), I got to thinking about a senior citizen sex ring.  I didn’t want to, but that didn’t matter.

I didn’t want to see the Viagra bottle in my dad’s bathroom drawer, but that didn’t stop my brother from showing it to me.  (He said “If I have to see it and suffer, so do you.”)

I have so many questions about a senior prostitution ring.  I figured you guys probably do too, so here are a few of my thoughts.  Feel free to provide answers, as this post is clearly an investigative journalism piece.

pelvis xray1.  Do the tricks have plastic hips?

I would think with the kind of bumping and grinding required for a senior prostitution ring, the hookers would need hips of steel.  Literally.

My 70 year-old neighbor can’t walk outside to get the mail without complaining her hips hurt.  She also complains about the “colored” people down the road, so she may not be the best example.

Either way, I would think that type of repetitive force would cause a ho to need a hip.

diaper pin2.  Just how much KY Jelly do they go through in a week?

Granted, I don’t have any experience in this department, but I would assume at a certain age, the prostitute would need a little more grease on the wheel before taking her for a spin.

3.  Does “the talent” wear granny panties?

Or maybe they’re just called panties?  Do they wear them, or do they just stick with Depends?  I’m not sure of the answer on this one.  I guess it just depends.  (hee hee)

credit card machine4.  Do they offer an early bird special?

Most elderly people I know are a fan of bargains and coupons.  It would be a great marketing tool to have a “bang one get one free” program.

Maybe like a punch card, but not a literal punch.  I suspect the pimp takes care of all the punching.

5.  How late are they “open?”

Considering dinner is usually served in the elder community around 4:30 and lights are out at 8:00 p.m. sharp, what time is this sexing going down?  Is 7:00 the witching hour?

close up of coin6.  Are they paid in shiny silver dollars?

Don’t all old men have silver dollars in their pockets?  (Note:  “Silver Dollar” is not a euphamism, although it should be.)

I know my grandpa always had a silver dollar and a smile waiting for me whenever I visited him.

Come to think of it, I hope that wasn’t the real reason he had so many of those coins.

7.  Do they seduce with Ben Gay?

When my muscles are sore, nothing smells better than the scent of Ben Gay.  It’s a smell of relief and relaxation.  In that same vein (no pun intended), is the art of senior seduction done with steroid cream?

oxygen8.  Do they share hits of oxygen when the deed is complete?

I can’t imagine many old farts want to lay around and spoon afterwards.  Rather, I suspect both are gasping for air and needing a bump of oxygen.

Do the grannies have that readily available or is there an extra charge?  Or maybe it’s part of the foreplay, while Jeopardy plays in the background, of course.

ambulance9.  Is a paramedic on hand?

I can’t imagine running this sort of osteoarthritic outfit would be safe without a medical professional overseeing it.

Okay, so obviously it wouldn’t be a professional person, as I doubt professional EMTs enjoy being on call for cougar coitus.

10.  How does the pimp enforce his territory?

I’m thinking this is the one time where a pimp walking with a cane is actually medically necessary.

caneWhat better way to ensure payment than with an orthopedic cane with multiple feet and rubber stoppers?

I guess that’s enough musings for one night, although I have many more questions and thoughts on this issue.

For now, I’ll just curl up on my davenport, snack on some peppermints, watch Mama’s Family and complain about those young whipper snappers ruining my lawn.