Each day I tear off a new photo, laugh hysterically, and thank my lucky stars I wasn’t born into whatever family has the Christmas photo of a kid holding a dead fish.
I also secretly rejoice that one of my family photos isn’t adorning this calendar. Second grade was a bad year for this girl.
Every now and again, a photo comes along that is just too funny not to share. Yesterday, such a photo came to my attention.
I like to call this photo “Granny’s Got a Gun” and sing it to the tune of Aerosmith’s Janie’s Got a Gun. When I saw it on my calendar the other day, I was struck by just how bizarre it was.
There are so many things going on in this picture that I truly don’t know where to start. Her cankles? The rug on top of the carpet?
There are just too many options so I will just pick a few and go for it.
Let’s start with the most obvious and glaring issue in this photo: The plaid chair. Seriously, that thing is hideous, and I doubt the chair was purchased for comfort.
I can practically feel that scratchy wool rubbing my legs as I try to relax and watch an episode of Matlock.
But perhaps she should invest in a slip cover for that bad boy, or at least some gasoline and a match. That chair needs to be put out of its misery.
And why is she holding a gun? Who gave it to her? Was it a gift or is she using it to protect the chair from anyone smack talking it, or trying to douse it in bleach?
It looks like granny is taking her favorite show, Murder, She Wrote a little too seriously.
And why would she need a gun? I can’t imagine anyone giving this woman a hard time, mostly because her skin is clear and she looks like she might be suffering from a bad case of gout.
Those cankles are large and in charge.
Perhaps the most disturbing question about this photo is why there is a silencer attached to the gun. A silencer?! Seriously?! Does granny really need to silence her dirty deeds with a glock?
Is she worried about the person she shoots hearing the shot? Does she not understand the sound of the shot is irrelevant if the only person to hear it is the dead guy?
The silencer suggests to me that granny isn’t the sharp shooter she wants us to think she is.
And what’s in her other hand? Is that a grenade or a dead animal? Both are viable options. Is that her first kill?
It looks like the same goal could have been accomplished with a piece of cheese and a mousetrap, but granny is clearly a fan of deadly force.
That poor rodent didn’t know what hit him.
And don’t let that smiling pumpkin on her sweater fool you. It’s the middle of July and she’s wearing that sweater to throw you off her trail and make you think she has dementia, when all she really has is high blood pressure and a thirst for vengeance (and Ovaltine).
This granny is out for blood. You can tell she’s a killer: just look at the dead plant in the background.
Rumor has it she bought that plant just to watch it die. She’s obviously killed before and won’t think twice about doing it again, especially in the late night hour (which for her, is about 8:30 p.m.).
She’s clearly Livin’ on the Edge (see what I did there?) by putting that plaid chair with the patterned blue rug.
No sane person would do that, not only because it looks ridiculous, but also because it appears she put a rug on top of a rug on top of hardwood floors.
Bitch be crazy!
And don’t even think about forgetting to send her a thank you card for the $2 bill and handful of unwrapped, dusty, Werthers Originals she gave you for your birthday.
She’s packing heat and isn’t afraid to use it. She’s also post menopausal, so she may literally be packing heat as well.
Maybe she heard about my new game of Google Image Roulette and she wants to play?
I’m not sure who took this photo, or why the person gave an old woman with poor vision a gun with a silencer, but I’m glad they did. Without it, I wouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did when I saw it on my calendar.
I just hope granny doesn’t find this blog making fun of her photo or I will be in big trouble. If she does, I just take her to Old Country Buffet for a late night dinner…at 4:30.