May the 4th

It’s May the 4th, which apparently is Star Wars day because of the saying “May the force be with you.”

Force/fourth.  Get it?  Yeah, I know, it’s not the most brilliant of marketing ploys, but neither is Kay Jewelers and “Every begins with K” or the ever-brilliant Men’s Warehouse  “You’re gonna like the way you look.”

That’s like having a restaurant’s slogan be “You’ll leave here full, and probably won’t get food poisoning.”

Men’s Warehouse aims for the stars with their slogans.

Or maybe not the stars so much as the ceiling of their own warehouses, which from what I understand, is still pretty high.

So with Star Wars Day, I realized I have no knowledge of Star Wars other than the infamous “Luke, I am your father” quote that I like to yell into a fan every now and then.

What does it mean?  I don’t know, other than that I’m hilarious.

So I went to the most respected internet site on the planet for some answers; Wikipedia.

Wait, I guess I should clarify that when I say “the planet,” I’m referring to Earth.

That’s pretty snobby of me to assume you knew what planet I was talking about, especially since this post is loosely about Star Wars.

Earth, people.  I’m talking about Earth. Come back to it and pay attention.

informationWikipedia had a fair amount of information and I found a “plot summary” explaining the characters and the films.  I couldn’t even remotely understand it.  For real.

I was a science major and I have a law degree, yet I can’t flipping understand why everyone is fighting in this war of the stars.  Is it really a war or is that just media hype to drum up sales?

The title suggests it’s a full-on war and there are numerous wars happening at once.  However, I can’t find a reference to the price of oil in any of the Star Wars material, which suggests there is no war, as everyone knows wars are always about oil.

And why is it called Star Wars?  Shouldn’t it be Planet Wars?  Aren’t they on different planets instead of stars?

Am I missing something (except for the time I’ve wasted thinking about this topic)?

The Death Star is the ship that Darth Vader rides in, right?  Or is The Death Star an actual star that kills people?  Like maybe a throwing star but with a kick or a punch in the crotch too.

That sounds like a better name for a weapon than for a spaceship.

Is The Death Star where Darth Vader lives permanently?  Is that his home address?

If I were to mail him something, or if he were to order something from, would it go to the Death Star’s address or is it on-the-move?

If so, how would the postal worker know where to send it if the home is in fact, mobile?

Is The Death Star docked at a trailer park when it’s not in use?  If so, I expect to see it propped up on cinder blocks with a wooden cutout painting of a woman’s fat a$$ bending over and a sign in the yard that says “Don’t Tread on Me.”

I also don’t understand where Chewbacca comes in.  Apparently he’s a Wookie, which is some sort of animal.  I always thought a wookie was what you gave the nerdy kid at recess when no one was looking.

Or, what my husband a 3 year old would call his fun stick.

I also have no idea if it’s Hans Solo, or Han Solo.  Is there an “s” after his first name or not?  Is there an “s” but it’s silent?  So many questions.

May the fourth logoI’m not even sure if Han(s) Solo is a good guy or a bad guy, but he was played by Harrison Ford, who is usually a good guy, so I suspect I should be team Solo.

But then again, lately, Harrison Ford looks like he’s having a retirement-age crisis, so maybe I shouldn’t fall into the team Solo camp.

Wait, is that where the Solo cup brand name came from?  Maybe it did, as drinking beer from a red cup is the only way I can come close to enjoying this saga.

After searching the interwebs and thinking this through,here’s what I came up with on this topic:

Things I realized about myself and about Star Wars

1.  I don’t know where to go for answers to Star Wars questions, although I know that isn’t necessarily knowledge I would like to possess.

2.  My brain is incapable of understanding the plot, although a 4 year-old boy can follow it just fine.  However, joke’s on him, as I know how not to crap my pants (most of the time).

3.  The silent “s” is a real bitch.  I don’t even know how to make that plural and say “s-es”, which makes it a double bitch.  Thanks for that Han(s) Solo.

4.  There’s already too much drama in the solar system, so I can’t concern myself with more of it.  I ‘m not even sure if Pluto is a planet anymore.  I can’t keep up with that, so the dark side is just going to have to go on without me.  I will subscribe to its RSS feed.

5.  This was a super lame excuse for a blog post, but if you’re still reading it, then I guess you’re the sucker and the joke’s on you.

I can still buy Star Wars flannel sheets though, right?  They’re comfortable and I shouldn’t have to suffer just because I can’t understand Steven Spielberg’s logic on inter-planetary wars.

May the FOURTH be with you!