Sometimes you have a day when you feel like the whole world’s against you. For me, it was when I found out Justin Timberlake married Jessica Biel and he was off the market.
Obviously, he’s never seen my dance moves, as I’m sure I could have mesmerized him with my movements (of belly fat.) I know they say the hips don’t lie, and mine definitely say “I love cheese dip!”
But now I’m getting off topic, although I really do love cheese dip.
Perhaps if that day I was able to be at home in bed watching episodes of Arrested Development, things would have been better.
But alas, that pesky mortgage company requires me to pay them monthly, and my totally unreasonable employer actually expects me to work for my paycheck. Humf!
Recently I drove out of town for work. The trip was long and boring and Technotronic and TuPac could only keep me awake for so long.
I decided to stop at McDonald’s for a fountain Diet Coke, because McDonald’s adds a little bit of
crack goodness to each cup.
Armed with my
fix soda, I headed to my settings.
It was a windy day and I had several files with me. Since I hate lugging around a briefcase on wheels, I decided to carry my files instead.
Of course, my precious
addiction Diet Coke had to come as well, as I couldn’t be expected to work without it.
No, I didn’t fall down, although that’s a totally valid guess.
A gust of wind came along and blew a few papers from one of my files.
Fortunately for me, it didn’t blow my dress up this time. I think it learned its lesson last time when it blew up my dress and displayed my lady parts to the city of Hannibal.
(Again, Hannibal, I’m sorry, but don’t you think the restraining order is a bit of an overreaction?)
I hurried back to my car, put the stack of files on the roof of Deiter (my car) and took a sip of Diet Coke to give me strength for my 30-foot walk.
I placed the Diet Coke on top of the files to keep them from blowing away.
I patted myself on the back for this genius move as I walked to pick up the escaped paper.
At that moment, evil wind struck again, but stronger than ever. Before I knew it, my papers and files were strewn about the street, dancing in the wind and collectively flipping me off.
I didn’t know which papers to rescue first, so I started to run down the street to capture those furthest away, and work my way back.
Okay, I didn’t run. I walked briskly.
As I walked, the wind continued to blow and I yelled “Stop it!” repeatedly, as if mother nature would heed my request.
I continued to yell things like “Balls!” and “Knock that off!” as I chased paper down the street.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a truck turn the corner onto the street. He approached slowly, being cautious of my situation. I quickly thanked mother nature for throwing me a bone in my time of need. Or in this case, a red Ford pickup truck.
I smiled at my knight in shining metal and then realized the truck wasn’t stopping at all. It was just slowing down to avoid a manslaughter charge for running me over.
I watched it drive by, simultaneously running over a few papers as he did so, crushing my pride in the process.
Don’t worry. I watch enough Tru TV to know about how to collect evidence. I took a photo of the culprit tire print and sent it to a lab to be analyzed.
I’m offering a reward to anyone who can provide the identity of the vehicle and tire. the reward will be a fountain soda from McDonald’s. So yeah, the stakes are high.
Fortunately, I was able to apprehend all the documents, despite my disappointment in mankind and all red Ford trucks. However, when I got back to the car, I discovered the worst casualty of all.
RIP Diet Coke. You left us too soon.