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Yeah, like I need to give reasons for why Ryan should dump Eva.  It’s a no-brainer.  But don’t worry, I’ll spell out the reasons for you.

Maybe Ry-Ry will read this blog post and come to his senses and realize Eva isn’t the one for him.  I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s an avid reader of my blog.  Granted, he’s never reached out to me, but that’s just because he’s intimidated.  He’s also never filed a restraining order against me, which clearly means Ry-Ry hasn’t given up hope on us.

<Sigh>

Dear Ryan,

Please break up with Eva.  Here are a few reasons why.

1. Patriotism  

I’m not saying she’s a communist, but there’s no proof she isn’t.   Remember the red scare? Don’t put our nation in danger. Ry-Ry.

Don’t you love America?  I know you do, even though you’re Canadian.  Don’t all Canadians love America?  Of course they do.  So break up with her for America.

Do you want to make this girl cry?  Don’t make this girl cry, Ryan.  She loves red, white and blue.  She’s also deaf…and dying of cancer…and she has one arm.

Girl Pledging Allegiance to the Flag

<cut to shot of flag blowing in the breeze and “America the Beautiful” playing in the background>

2. Does Eva really love animals?

She’s beautiful, sure.  Her make-up is always impeccable, but do we know for sure if it’s tested on animals?  There’s no way to know that for sure, but she’s been a spokesperson for Revlon.  As a PETA supporter, you know what Revlon does to animals.

You love your dog, George, right?   Basically, she’s spitting in his face and rubbing lotion in his eyes every time she uses eyeliner.

True Story.

photo credit: poldberg via photopin cc

photo credit: poldberg via photopin cc

3. You guys met on the set of a movie.

Is that really the foundation of a long lasting relationship? I don’t know, maybe you should ask your former co-star and ex lover Rachel McAdams.   How did that turn out?

And what about Sandra Bullock?  Don’t you know that mixing business and pleasure isn’t a good idea?  (That is, unless “business” and “pleasure” are alternate words for our naughty parts…then yes…they totally mix.)

One word: Gili

4. She kicks George when you’re not around.

It’s true.  It’s why she gets so mad when the paparazzi follow her.  She doesn’t want proof of her dirty deeds.

Okay, so I don’t technically have anything to support this claim, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be a really bad thing?  And aren’t we taught to assume the worst?  Yeah, it’s called preparation, Ryan.

5.  She’s a really bad driver.

Don’t you remember in 2007 when she had four accidents in one day?   You read that right…four.

You were the star of a film called Drive.  It’s practically a slap in the face to your career to be with someone who isn’t a good driver.  I mean,  you don’t want someone who can’t operate machinery …ahem…operating your machinery.

No.  Instead, you need someone with an impeccable driving record and a reduction in insurance premiums due to limited claim filings.  You know, hypothetically…

self portrait right side up

I could go on and on about this Ryan, but I’m sure I’ve already convinced you.  I mean, sure, Eva seems really nice and charitable.  Sure, she’s also beautiful, and she’s never been accused of assaulting anyone, but is that the standard?   Is not assaulting someone the standard you’re using?  If so, then I’m your girl.

Just don’t pull up those recent charges when I encountered some Girl Scouts and they were out of Somoas and Thin Mints.  Those allegations are erroneous!

****NOTE:  I didn’t really assault any Girl Scouts.  (They had it coming.)

22 Thoughts on “Why Ryan Gosling should break up with Eva Mendes

  1. Lisa, don’t ask me, because I still think he belongs with Rachel McAdams, lol!! 🙂
    Janine Huldie just rambled about…Easter Bunny Footprints, Bikes and New Dresses, Too!!My Profile

  2. Ryan who?

    (I kid, I kid!)

    Tamara

    http://penpaperpad.com. Stopped by & followed via the BlogLovin.
    Tamara Woods just rambled about…A to Z blogging: A is for AcrosticMy Profile

  3. I think everyone of your comments is completely valid, and certainly Ryan will come to his senses. Maybe you can find his “real” twitter identity and send him this post to *educate* him. I am considering doing the same with my post about Adam Levine, cause he’s on TV everynight right now, and he’s basically screaming, “come on jen! how come I haven’t heard from you???”
    Hey! Join me next week for Tuesday Mix-Tape and bring your list! Make it a good forbidden love one (cause you already have your muse *wink wink*)
    Jen just rambled about…Twisted Mix-Tape TuesdayMy Profile

  4. I will totally back you up on this if you back me up with Channing Tatum.
    Thoughts Appear just rambled about…Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a MatchMy Profile

    • This sounds like a perfectly even swap. We’ll have it made with Channing Tatum because once his wife has the baby, she will be tired and not focused on him. It’s the perfect time to swoop in and convince him you’re his soul mate.

  5. He totally needs to dump her. FOR FREEDOM!!! Do it for the kids, Ryan!!
    The Dose of Reality just rambled about…Pinterest Nightmare #472: Ryan Gosling Mini BustMy Profile

    • EXACTLY! Doesn’t he care about America and our youth? I know he does. Deep down.

      I’m sure this blog post will encourage the break up. It will be my good deed and contribution to society.

  6. Deaf, dying of cancer and has one arm…I must be a very, very bad person, because I laughed really hard.
    Kim just rambled about…Decorating Cheats ~ Farmhouse Table Island (or Faking Furniture Legs)My Profile

  7. You are a weird sort of brilliant sicko. That’s a compliment by the way. I would love to have a chance to break up with Gosling. That would never ever happen.
    Julie Chenell DeNeen just rambled about…The Hazards of Sex with a VirginMy Profile

    • I shall take this as a compliment, mostly because I want to. Ry-ry is a beautiful specimen of a man and has a kind heart too! He broke up a street fight and also saved a woman from being hit by a car.

      HERO!

  8. I’m sure Ryan will come to his senses sooner or later… Right now he has no idea what he’s missing out on!
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…Humor Me Blog Hop #2My Profile

  9. How the heck do you have FOUR car accidents in one day? Totally sounds like Eva needs to hit the road, jack, and never come back no mo’, no mo’. no mo’! 😀
    Terrye just rambled about…Salmon Fishing: A Guide to Combat Fishing In AlaskaMy Profile

  10. He is completely gorgeous and, okay, I guess so is she. But somehow they seem like a really odd looking pair. I hope George bites her in the lady bits, rendering them, um, unusable.
    Mom Rants and Comfy Pants just rambled about…From Little Brother to BigMy Profile

  11. Has he called yet? I’m sure if he hasn’t it is just some kind of mix up between your publicist and his. 🙂
    KC
    KC @ The Real Thing with the Coake Family just rambled about…Star Spangled Wreath a 4th of July CraftMy Profile

    • He hasn’t called yet, but I’m sure he’s just working up the nerve. I’m super intimidating and I bet Eva didn’t take the break up well.

      l’ll give him some time to sort things out with her. He’ll call. How could he not?

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