Yeah, like I need to give reasons for why Ryan should dump Eva. It’s a no-brainer. But don’t worry, I’ll spell out the reasons for you.
Maybe Ry-Ry will read this blog post and come to his senses and realize Eva isn’t the one for him. I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s an avid reader of my blog. Granted, he’s never reached out to me, but that’s just because he’s intimidated. He’s also never filed a restraining order against me, which clearly means Ry-Ry hasn’t given up hope on us.
Please break up with Eva. Here are a few reasons why.
<cut to shot of flag blowing in the breeze and “America the Beautiful” playing in the background>
2. Does Eva really love animals?
She’s beautiful, sure. Her make-up is always impeccable, but do we know for sure if it’s tested on animals? There’s no way to know that for sure, but she’s been a spokesperson for Revlon. As a PETA supporter, you know what Revlon does to animals.
3. You guys met on the set of a movie.
And what about Sandra Bullock? Don’t you know that mixing business and pleasure isn’t a good idea? (That is, unless “business” and “pleasure” are alternate words for our naughty parts…then yes…they totally mix.)
One word: Gili
4. She kicks George when you’re not around.
It’s true. It’s why she gets so mad when the paparazzi follow her. She doesn’t want proof of her dirty deeds.
Okay, so I don’t technically have anything to support this claim, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be a really bad thing? And aren’t we taught to assume the worst? Yeah, it’s called preparation, Ryan.
5. She’s a really bad driver.
Don’t you remember in 2007 when she had four accidents in one day? You read that right…four.
You were the star of a film called Drive. It’s practically a slap in the face to your career to be with someone who isn’t a good driver. I mean, you don’t want someone who can’t operate machinery …ahem…operating your machinery.
I could go on and on about this Ryan, but I’m sure I’ve already convinced you. I mean, sure, Eva seems really nice and charitable. Sure, she’s also beautiful, and she’s never been accused of assaulting anyone, but is that the standard? Is not assaulting someone the standard you’re using? If so, then I’m your girl.
Just don’t pull up those recent charges when I encountered some Girl Scouts and they were out of Somoas and Thin Mints. Those allegations are erroneous!
****NOTE: I didn’t really assault any Girl Scouts. (They had it coming.)