Back CameraI’ve always loved dogs.  Kids?  Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, my niece is the greatest thing in the world.  She’s also a genius.  But other than her, I could take or leave most kids.

**NOTE:  Just to be clear, I wouldn’t actually take a kid.  “I could take or leave it” is a saying. It’s not meant literally.  

If some kid goes missing, I don’t want to be a suspect because one of you read my blog and wanted to get back at me for the belly dancer post.  (Yes, people are still mad about it.)**

People always talk to me about their kids.  I don’t know if it’s because my “fluffy” stomach looks like I recently pushed out a love nugget, or if the constant stains on my clothes suggest I have a toddler at home who can’t feed herself.

For whatever reason, people tell me stories about their kids,complete with photos and stories ranging from Lizzie’s first poopy in the potty to Joey’s first accidental curse word.

Isn’t it so funny?”  They’ll say.  “He tried to say ‘ship’ and he said ‘shit.’  Get it?”

Yes, I get it.  It’s not cute, mostly because Joey has a lisp and needs to see a speech therapist and Lizzie is 7.  That’s NOT an impressive poopy.

Photo credit: Teller Photography, Lynn Teller

Photo credit:
Teller Photography,
Lynn Teller

In response to people showing me photos of their spawns, I try to show photos of my dogs, but I don’t get an excited reaction.  Is that fair?  Of course not.

The favor should be reciprocated.

I can assure you, I don’t want to stare at 15 photos of your baby doing the exact same fricking thing in every photo.

She’s asleep.  I get it.  She drools.  Noted.

Now look at this photo of my dog chasing his tail.

I’ve decided it’s time to make a list of reasons why my dog is better than your kid.  You knew it was coming.

1.  My dogs are cuter.

Photo credit: Teller Photography Lynn Teller

Photo credit:
Teller Photography
Lynn Teller

Look at that face.  For reals.  How can you say no to this fuzzy face?  Answer:  You can’t…unless you’re heartless…or blind…like seriously blind.

2.  They don’t eat dirt (most of the time).

Max carI know the real reason you don’t have living houseplants in your home, and it isn’t because you don’t have a “green thumb.”

It’s because little Jimmy has a “brown mouth” because he’s constantly shoving fistfulls of dirt into it.

It’s okay.  I won’t judge.  He’s obviously going to be a tree hugger when he gets older.  He’s just starting a little lower…like at the roots.

3.  My dogs are potty trained (most of the time).

Shady Jack close upI don’t have to change diapers or constantly smell my dog’s genitals to see if they’re sitting in their own feces.

They know to go to the door and whine to go out.  Now, whether I hear the whining or not, is another issue entirely.

But at least they know to do it.bentley with cast

4.  Their whining can be stopped with a Milkbone.

This is true most of the time.  Sometimes it’s a combination of a Milkbone, a bag of Beggin’ Strips and a peanut butter filled Kong that does the trick.

Either way, it’s a lot easier to quiet my whining dog than it is to quiet your whining baby.  My dog’s breath also smells better.

5.  They’re neutered.

jack

Photo Credit:
Teller Photography
Lynn Teller

Since I had their balls removed, I no longer worry about seeing that red rocket come out at uncomfortable times.  (If only the same was true of my husband.)

I don’t worry about the dreaded red lipstick coming out when guests are over.  I also don’t have to wonder why the sheets are crusty, or why they’ve locked themselves in the bathroom for an hour.

6.  They don’t have body hair in strange places.

Back CameraMostly because they have it everywhere, but I would prefer it everywhere than in uncomfortable locations.

Your son’s two armpit pubes are creeping me out, and so is his “muscle shirt” that looks remarkably like a girl’s tank top.

The glitter isn’t helping.

7.  They hump less than your kids do.

Your little angel Christina? She’s hooching it up on the weekends with her sasssy top and skirt that shows her hoo-ha when she sits down.

Since I’ve had my the reproductive organs removed from my babies, I don’t have to worry about unplanned pregnancies or child supports.

I do, however, still have to worry about STDs.  But then again, so does Christina.

Back Camera8. They don’t require me to pre-plan meals.

They get the same dinner every night without fail, no exceptions.

However, I guess if I had kids, they’d probably get mac and cheese with fish sticks every night for dinner, so maybe this isn’t very compelling.

Wait, mac and cheese and fish sticks are what I eat for dinner every night.

If it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for the kiddos.

Back Camera

35 Thoughts on “Why my dogs are better than your kids

  1. I totally agree. I’m probably guilty of talking about my kid, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear about yours. I don’t like kids unless their re related to me..even then I don’t want to babysit because kids are dirty. I like them when they turn about 6… They’re like small humans by then.
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    • I totally agree! I never know what to talk to kids about. I don’t think they appreciate my questions about how their managing their college funds, but most of them don’t know who The Smurfs are, so I’m out of options.

      • luvmypups on April 29, 2014 at 10:52 pm said:

        You took the words out of my mouth. I always feel uncomfortable around kids… I don’t know how to communicate with them (nor am I interested). Here is the kicker…I m 8 months pregnant! What was I thinking? I am a dog person, not a kid person! I have always loved animals waaaaaay more than humans, and that goes double for kids! I am praying so hard that I will love my kid as much as I love my three dogs and two cats- HELP!

        • OMG! That’s kind of hilarious that you’re pregnant! I’m sure you will learn to love that little bundle of joy as much as you love those covered in fur. I NEVER know what to say to kids. I have a 2 year old niece that I love more than anything but I’m so awkward around her sometimes. Do I ask her about her portfolio? The weather? Please keep me posted on your pregnancy and if you ever figure out how to talk to kids. If you do, hook a sister up.

  2. OMG!!! I am laughing so hard right now…I am the proud mommy of a little 14lb Yorkie and I wouldn’t trade him for all the kids in the world! Unlike kids, he’s always glad to see me when I’ve been away, he eats whatever I put in front of him and I can put him on a leash when I take him out :)
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    • Is your Yorkie opinionated? As you can see from the photos, we have the little Yorkie and then two big dogs. Guess who rules the roost and bosses everyone around (aside from me, of course).

      But dogs really are the best, and I’ve never had a dog as loyal as my Yorkie. He will protect and love me to the death!

  3. As a long-time dog owner and dad (not of the dog), I have to say your points are all right on. But after 20 years of rocks covered with stamps (aka “paperweights”), weird ties and such for Christmas, my son bought me a fine bourbon when he reached 21. That erased many of those memories of uncomfortable teen years and the tens of thousands spent for college/sports/band, etc. A couple generous shots took care of the rest. My dog is great … but I must say that was a fine bourbon!

    “Red lipstick coming out”? You’re killing me, Lisa!

    • So what I’m taking away from your comment is if my dogs can buy me a fine bourbon, they basically win this argument paws down?

      Who am I kidding? The purchase of fine alcohol is always the way to bribe the judge Your son is a smart guy

  4. This post is hilarious! I’m still laughing. I have two little dogs that I adore, but I still love kids though.
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  5. Avis Ayers on April 25, 2013 at 1:41 am said:

    I love you Lisa!!! This is me to a “t”!!! I can offer a few more that I use…….you can leave your dog in a crate while you work or to run to the grocery store to get more margarita’s or just because….people frown on that when you crate your kids! (I fail at crate training…..horrribly so I am not serious! My dogs are never crated!) You can and are required to leash your dogs in public AND you are required to clean up after them. Dogs do not, in general, talk back to you or say things to embarrass you in public.

    • Avis Ayers on April 25, 2013 at 1:43 am said:

      My dogs have never thrown a temper tantrum in a store for candy or anything else…….by tantrum, I mean lay down in the floor, kick their feet and cry. I can tell my dogs to sit and they do it!

  6. I feel the same way about dogs as I do about kids. If I love your owner and you are cute, come forward. If you are not cute and I don’t like your owner, stay away.
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  7. You make a compelling argument, Lisa. My dog never talks back and thinks I am the greatest thing since canned dog food. My kids give me lip and think I’m the meanest mom in the world. However….my dog does eat poop, and my kids don’t. I guess it’s a toss up and I’ll keep all three of them.
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    • I love your thinking! And even with the eating of poop, it just shows how environmentally conscious your dog is. What better way to show a love of the Earth and the environment than to eat his/her own poop in an effort to completely eliminate waste?

      He/she is also being efficient in eating waste so as to limit the amount of food you have to purchase. I’d say your dog is a beacon of hope and an example to your children of how to best use the resources presented to make this world a better place.

      You can’t tell I argue for a living, can you?

  8. Even though I have 3 kids I can promise you I would LOVE to look at pics of your pup. Whenever a friend of mine gets a new dog, I am the first person over to see him or her…a new baby though? Eh, I can see the kid eventually. I believe that dogs can be better than most people. For real. Can you tell that I’m a HUGE dog lover yet?

    • Can you tell that I love you?! I’m the same way about dogs. I will want to see a million pictures of your dog. A new baby? Meh. I can look at 2 or 3 and get the gist of it.

      I have a magnet on my car that says “I love dogs. It’s humans that annoy me.”

      It’s pretty much the words I live by. I also find that fellow dog lovers are awesome, and your comments clearly prove that assumption correct. :-)

  9. Lisa, I think you nailed it. :) Also being a furkid momma, I have couple additional reasons to add to your list…wait…now I sound like an ass….wait I usually sound like an ass….dammit. It is a character flow….yea, that’s it….
    1. If is acceptable to cage them at times.
    2. If you have a tennis ball, you get to be a superhero.
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  10. This post had me laughing and smiling! I love dogs. Over the years all my pets have been dogs. Take care and have a great weekend.
    Judy Haughton-James just rambled about…Question TimeMy Profile

    • Aw, a fellow dog lover! I’m glad to hear it. I truly love dogs more than most people. Sadly, that’s not an exaggeration at all.

      I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! Thanks for reading and commenting. Now go give a dog a kiss!

  11. FInally! Someone who shares my love of fish sticks! People ask me if I like fish, and I always say, “I like fish sticks.” Then they snub me. Then I call after them: “With ketchup!” I think that makes it worse.
    thoughtsappear just rambled about…Make the World a Cooler Place One Popsicle at a TimeMy Profile

    • You had me until ketchup! You have to eat fish sticks with tartar sauce! Sometimes that’s my main reason for wanting fish sticks…not only because I love the taste of tartar sauce, but I also love to say tartar.

      Tartar.

      It’s so fun!

      And I flipping LOVE fish sticks. They’re best when made in a toaster oven. I also love them with mac and cheese (duh) and a side of applesauce.

      Crap, that sounds like the best dinner ever.

      Oh, and some tartar sauce.

  12. Thanks for joining my blog hop Wine Down Wednesday.

  13. Laughing…we’re all guilty of it, kid parents and dog parents alike. I probably talk about my puppy too much. I just think he is darn cute and does very silly things. But I don’t mind looking at your dog pictures! Glad I found your blog!
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    • I definitely talk about my dogs too much! I figure people know by now that I’m a total nut job, especially when it comes to pets, so if they don’t want to hear about my dogs, they should probably just avoid me.

      I’m cool with it.

  14. Be really careful concerning enabling youngsters to be alone with a kitten, kids under 5 should not be laid off with an animal, these youngsters just do not have the maturity to handle a kitten.

  15. I know this is an old post, I want to add a some more.

    -They don’t start a huge party when your out on vacation. (think Project X)
    -They don’t steal money from you or do drugs
    -You don’t have to pay their college tuition
    -They won’t drive your car and wreck it
    -They love you no matter what.
    -They’re less annoying
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    • I’ve often been thankful I don’t have to pay for college for them, although Max wouldn’t make it to college. I just wish they’d become potty trained. Until then, they can continue to pee on my shrubs even though I don’t like it.

  16. Rosamund Forbes on June 22, 2015 at 5:12 pm said:

    We where all kids ourselves once i know. But what i have seen regarding have kids you can keep it. Most of people i know who have had kids have had nothing but problems. I am glad i stuck to dogs yes they can sometimes be a tie but all in all they are normally good companions and are well worth the effort and add to your life.

  17. Natasha Jane Durrant on July 17, 2015 at 8:10 am said:

    At least dogs don’t turn in most cases into stroppy teenagers. I have two dogs Nelly and Polly Yorkshire terriers. They are my best friends some people say it is sad that i prefer them to most people but i admit i do.

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