However, just because I know you’re curious to get inside my head, I’ll let you know why my jealousy is so strong for the Hoff.
1. He can wear a jacket with lights on it.
Only the Hoff can pull off wearing a jacket that lights up.
Did he worry about rain coming down to electrocute him and his pleather coat? Of course not, because The Hoff wouldn’t get electrocuted.
If anything, the extra jolts would simply revive him with energy.
He welcomed electrocution while rocking his ablaze blazer.
And did I mention he wore this coat on the fricking BERLIN WALL?!
Ronald Reagan told Gorbachev to “Tear down this wall,” but only The Hoff could bring it to its knees with an electric voice (and an electric coat).
2. He made a video eating a burger while drunk and he’s still cool.
So, this guy can make a video doing everything but engaging in coitus with a hamburger in a bathtub, and it’s not big deal.
He gets not much more than some gentle joshing and a spokesperson contract for the third-rate fast food company, Bathroom Burgers.
Extra napkins are just a roll of toilet paper!
But just once, I eat an entire cheesecake on Thanksgiving and all of a sudden it’s “Lisa can’t control her portions” and “How is she not diabetic?”
He probably got away with this because he’s German, and so are hamburgers.
3. He has a sweet ride.
A car that talks? Awesome.
Maybe if I had one of those I wouldn’t get lost all the time.
Come to think of it, maybe KITT was the one who had the map to stardom, and The Hoff just rode him to the top, and then dumped him at the nearest salvage lot.
Isn’t that the same thing that happened to Kim Kardashian and Ray J?
4. He looks good in short shorts.
Who can disagree with this? Look at those thighs. I’d kill to have legs that looked like that.
I’d even take the leg hair with it, which isn’t a big deal, as I’ve got a similar amount now.
It’s been a long winter. Don’t judge.
5. He trained with Patsy Swayze.
Yeah, that’s right. The Hoff learned his sweet dance moves from the woman who gave birth to the King of Kicks.
It’s a little known fact that the lyrics to Patrick Swayze’s song “She’s Like the Wind” were actually inspired by watching the Hoff leap across the room in tights and a sports bra.
It’s a little known fact, mostly because I just made it up, but it sounds like it could happen.
He really did train with Patsy Swayze, though.
6. He’s hooked on a feeling.
What that feeling is, I’m not sure, but he sang about it, and you can’t deny the passion in that performance.
His rendition of this song sold dozens of copies, and will be remembered by approximately half of those who made the drunken midnight internet purchase.
Perhaps The Hoff is confused, and he’s actually hooked on the green screen, as that’s the only conclusion one can come to after watching the video.
If you haven’t watched it, what’s wrong with you? It has everything from girls in nightgowns flying through the air, to Hoff on a mountain, to Hoff in Africa, to Hoff dressed like Chewbaca. Who couldn’t be hooked on this?
Watch it. Watch it now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8
Even after watching that video repeatedly, I’m surprised every time he catches that fish while wearing a fur coat and flying across the ocean on a surf board. If that doesn’t explain why I’m jealous of The Hoff, nothing will.
What it doesn’t explain is why The Hoff would be near a stream dressed like Crocodile Dundee, dancing while two wiener dogs drink dirty stream water, and two girls in white nightgowns flap their wings above.
Nevermind. It totally explains it.