WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS CURSE WORDS AND IS A BIT CRASS. IT’S BECAUSE THE POST IS INSPIRED BY THE ORIGINAL AND AMAZINGLY REAL EMAIL A SORORITY GIRL SENT TO HER FELLOW SISTERS BERATING THEM.
IF YOU’RE EASILY OFFENDED, THIS SPECIFIC POST ISN’T FOR YOU….BUT THE REST OF MY BLOG PROBABLY IS.
WELL, MAYBE NOT…
I’ve got it! I’ve got Rebecca Martinson’s resignation email!
Okay, so it isn’t her actual resignation email, but it’s the one she sent to her sisters after she “resigned.”
Okay, so it isn’t anything she wrote. I wrote it, but I totally channeled her the entire time, as evidenced by the derogatory comments and gratuitous cussing.
I miss her already.
Dear asshats, cock blocks and fucking f@ggots**,
Are you sitting down? I FUCKING hope so, because this shit is about to get real. I’m officially resigning from the Delta Gamma sorority effective immediately. RIGHT GOD-DAMNED NOW.
Why? I don’t want to be associated with a group of FUCKING AWKWARD GIRLS who don’t know how to talk to boys unless they’re drunk.
Consider this email a punch in your god-damned face, (or your crotch…same thing….) because that’s what you cock blocks need.
Is it your fault I’m “resigning?” Of course it is, you stupid boners.
If one of you hadn’t leaked my email, we’d all be in sisterly bliss right now, dancing around our Greek Week winning trophy, circling each other’s body fat and hazing the shit out of freshmen…as we FUCKING SHOULD BE.
But instead, because you guys are FUCKING LOSERS, I’m out on the street, stripped of my DG letters. Yes, I’m LITERALLY STRIPPED OF MY LETTERS.
Someone from panhellenic LITERALLY came over and ripped them off my body.
How did I find out I was “resigning”? When I came back to the sorority house after my History of Kickball 101 class, and discovered all my shit was boxed up and my room was locked.
I didn’t even get to pick up my FUCKING WHIPS AND CHAINS from my room to bust your asses. Instead, I found my clothes burning in the lawn like a goddamned street rat.
Since it’s MID-FUCKING SEMESTER, and I can’t find anywhere to live, I had to use that glowing trash container to warm my skinny hands.
I’m only 100 fucking pounds, and I get cold easily. Maybe if some of you would lay off the cheeseburgers, you’d know how this feels.
Because I have nowhere to live, I’m shacking up at the Sigma Nus, who were nice enough to let me stay with them.
Sure, it’s in their basement that’s comprised mostly of vomit and semen, but at least it’s not filled with a bunch of FUCKING LOSERS.
So watch yourselves, because if I see any of you cock blocks around, I swear to God I will still c*nt punt you across campus. It should be pretty easy since you guys seem to hoe it up with every fraternity in town except THE SIGMA FUCKING NUS.
Your vag’es should be big enough to fit my whole FUCKING FOOT UP IN THERE. God knows half of the Phi Delt house has been up there already. It’s practically they’re second home.
I just hope my stiletto doesn’t doesn’t get lost up there, although if it did, I might find a few other BONERS just like you roaming around.
You whiney bitches are probably saying “Oh Em Gee, Rebecca, vag’es isn’t a word.” FUCK YEAH IT’S A WORD, and it’s used to describe awkward people like you who don’t know how to cheer at a kickball game.
Kick the ball. Cheer. IT’S NOT HARD. It’s definitely not as hard as Alegebra 101. Get over yourself.
So CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS! I’m out. I’ve “resigned.”
I’m now going to head over to the Zetas, because although I hate them, and wouldn’t want to wear their letters, at least they’re not weird shits who do weird shit in the corner.
So long BITCHES! Go fuck yourself…just don’t do it at the Sigma Nu’s.
Yours in DG love,
**Please note the use of this word is only because it was in the original email. I couldn’t bring myself to type such a hateful word so I’ve used a symbol to make it less harsh.