I’m sure by now you’ve all read the crude and derogatory email a college student from an East Coast university recently sent her fellow sorority sisters.

If you haven’t, it’s basically a long email ranting to her fellow sisters about how horrible they are.  It’s quite foul and demeaning.  So basically, it’s awesome.

You don’t have to read the email to understand this blog post, but if you want to read it, here’s the link.  http://gawker.com/life-lessons/

Since I’m a sorority girl and lived in a sorority house for two years, I know a bit about this world.  I’m sure that’s why one of the girls who received the less-than-friendly email reached out to me and sent me a copy of her response.

**I’ve changed the names to protect the identity of the parties.  I’ve also changed the names because I totally don’t know their names and this email response is totally made up.**

letter and envelopeDear Julia,

Thank you for your inspiring email!  It came at the perfect time, as I was feeling down about how I can’t have fun unless I’m drunk and was wondering if I had a drinking problem.

But then I read the part of your email where you said “I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober” and  I realized my fellow sisters suffer from this same ailment.  I’m so glad I’m not alone!

Of course I don’t have a drinking problem because I can’t have fun or talk to boys when I’m sober!  No one can have fun or talk to boys when they’re sober.

Thank you for reminding me of that fact.  It’s so obvy now that you point it out.

<Takes enormous swig of Everclear and chases it with another swig of Everclear.>

I hope you don’t think I was one of the girls being a “boner” at the recent event.  Granted, I was giving people boners at the event, but I wasn’t actually being one.

Wait…now I’m confused.  Is there a difference?

roosterI have another question.  In your email, you accused some girls of being “cock blocks” at events, and I want to assure you that I’m never a blocker of cocks.

On the contrary, I actually welcome all cocks with open legs arms, which I hope is acceptable.

I’ve been accused of a lot of things (being mentally slow, being a homewrecker, being mentally slow), but never have I been accused of being a cock block.

I love cock!  It’s why I have a bumper sticker on my car that says “I love cock.”

You know the one.  It has a drawing of a little rooster on it…which is totally random. Why a rooster?  It doesn’t say “I love rooster.”

I’m not sure why they didn’t just draw a penis.  They probably had really bad artists making those stickers.

No one could talk to this guy, sober or not.

No one could talk to this guy, sober or not.

Since you admonished people for not being able to talk to boys while sober, and we’ve now established that no one can talk to boys while sober, I hope my willingness not to “cock block” will demonstrate I’m not “a fucking faggot” as was alleged in the email.

Okay, so yes, there are those photos of that ONE night at winter formal last year with me being especially “sisterly,” but that was one of the few times I was sober, so you can’t hold me responsible for anything I did that night.

One time does not a ‘fucking faggot” make.

And sure, there was that other time on spring break, but it was a break….what was I supposed to do?   I needed to relax and those drinks weren’t going to consume themselves.

Was I just supposed to leave the shots of liquor in my fellow sister’s belly button, unconsumed?  That wouldn’t be a sisterly thing to do.

It would also be offensive to the manufacturer of the alcohol…and the bartender…and my sisters…and American spring breakers everywhere.

mojitoThat’s not what we’re about.  I basically took one for the team.

<Downs a Red Bull and vodka in 3 gulps.>

So please know I’m not “a fucking faggot” as was referenced in the email.  (For clarification that I prefer dudes most of the time, see my argument above about loving cock.  You saw my bumper sticker, right?)

You said there were several sisters “fucking up at sober fucking events” and I’m seeking some clarification on that point.

Are you saying sisters were fucking up at events because they were having sex while sober?  Hence the wording of “sober fucking event?”

Or are you saying people were fucking up at sober events, and you just hate sober events so much (because they’re sober), that you felt an extra “fucking” was needed before the word “event?”

Either are completely acceptable responses, I just want to know which one is the case, so I can draft my response accordingly.

dancing at partyHonestly, I think the best way to avoid problems of “fucking up at sober fucking events” is to just do away with any event where anyone is sober…regardless of whether coitus is involved.

That should eliminate some of those issues.  Can we make this new rule effective immediately?

<places tampon in bowl of Everclear to soak>

You said if people were going to be “a little asswipe who stands in the corners at night,” they shouldn’t come to tonight’s event.  Once again, I’m seeking a small point of clarification.

What if I’m an asswipe that sits in the corners at night instead of stands…or maybe if I just casually slump in the corner at night, perhaps after quietly vomiting in my shoe?  Is that acceptable?

I wasn’t sure if the emphasis of your point was on the standing of asswipes in the corner, or if sitting was also an option.

Or squatting too.  Sometimes a girl’s gotta pee and the bathroom is just too far, especially when your shoes are filled with vomit.  Hypothetically.


Sorry for asking these questions.  I hope you don’t think I’m being a “boner.”

I wanted to thank you again for sending this email to remind us all why we joined a sorority in the first place.  I’ve never felt more dedicated to my sorority or my sisters than I do right now.

Sisters forever!stain from alcohol



P.S.  I wanted to address your threat to “cunt punt” those who cheered for the wrong team.

Although at times I’m confused about which team I’m on, (even though I’m not a “fucking faggot’), I wanted to fill you in on a delicate issue.

I was actually cunt punted when I was younger, and I still have flash backs.

The fact the girl did the punting while wearing cleats wasn’t cool, but doing it while I was naked just just uncalled for.

DISCLAIMER:  This is a sarcastic post intended to mock the entire situation.  Please say you got that or I will have to take some lines from Julia’s email and scold you.

girls laying in circle

24 Thoughts on “One girl’s response to an email from her sorority sister

  1. Laura D on April 19, 2013 at 4:13 am said:

    Fucking hilarious!!!!

  2. Jordan on April 19, 2013 at 9:18 am said:

    Hahahahaha! What a great response! I can’t wait to read more. I’m a new follower through Jouneys of the Zoo blog hop.



  3. This is incredible. I read the whole thing in my head using a valley girl voice. Thanks for the laughs!
    Kate just rambled about…Questions- ask away!My Profile

    • Yay! I realize now I should have put something up about how it’s to be read in valley girl/sorority girl voice, but I’m discovering my readers are far too intelligent to need that kind of guidance. 😉

  4. Oh my gosh. This made my day. I read it out loud in the sassiest voice I could muster to John Hamm and we laughed “like fucking faggots!”
    Emelie just rambled about…An Update On the Giant ChickenMy Profile

  5. Fabulous! Next time I get a nasty letter, I am having you write my response.
    Dana just rambled about…The Time We Were in a Disney ParadeMy Profile

  6. I was in a sorority for 4 years and hell yeah, we got into trouble with the school for some things we did….hmmm….this post certainly takes me down memory lane….but I’m sworn to a vow of secrecy with my sisters, so…..won’t be able to blog about….
    Menopausalmother just rambled about…Fly On The Wall in The AsylumMy Profile

    • Ah yes, the vow of secrecy! Two of my closest friends are sorority sisters, although one of them I met as an alumni and she went to a different college than us.

      We hang out quite a bit and our husbands will joke with us about what some of our secret stuff is.

      What’s funny is we will never tell. Never. Isn’t it strange? I would never disclose that stuff, and I have no idea why I feel such a strong tie to my sorority, but I totally do.

      I’m sure this makes me a whack job!

  7. The only sorority connection I have is that my mom was in a sorority for a week, and then she got sick of the same sort of accusations that were in the original email above, that she got black-balled for giving the entire sorority the finger. That’s my mom. Also, this rocks. I think I needed this after such a tiring week.
    Tamara just rambled about…Chickpeas and Jerry Garcia.My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! I had fun writing it.

      i was in a sorority and i could practically hear some of my sisters saying these things. sadly, that kind of drama tends to develop whenever women are around.

      Thanks for reading and commenting! I appreciate it. :-)

  8. My daughter is a recent graduate of said University and she finds this email embarrassing to the entire school. However, she never liked the girls in that sorority anyway. Great response.
    Joyce just rambled about…#AtoZ: Letter R – Rat RaceMy Profile

    • I feel so sorry for the students of that school! It casts such a negative cloud over the school, although I suspect it won’t last long. I also think people know it wasn’t the university’s fault…it was this girl’s and I suspect she’s getting in some deep trouble for it about now, as I suspect she was kicked out….

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. 😉

  9. Stopping by from #SITSSharefest
    This is freaking hilarious!!
    I’m in a sorority and if someone would send me an email like this, I would email them back with a picture of a cunt and let them know that I’llcunt punt them right back.

    KG just rambled about…Tools for a Cool And Organized Linen ClosetMy Profile

    • I honestly had to research it to make sure it wasn’t fake! I figured no one could be so stupid to write such an email.

      Sadly, it’s totally true. Thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting. i will return the favor. :-)

  10. Congratulations on being the first person to crack me up today. Thank you.
    Xiomara | Equis Place just rambled about…Oh, Where Has the Time Gone?My Profile

    • Aw, thank you so much! I’m glad to know this made your day a little better! Thank you for letting me know, and for stopping by to read and laugh.

      I appreciate it!

  11. Hahaha! This made my day xx
    Scarlett just rambled about…Internet Confessions…My Profile

  12. Krissy on July 8, 2013 at 2:56 am said:

    What sorority are you in??


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