One girl’s response to an email from her sorority sister

written by Lisa Newlin on April 18, 2013 in Dear Diary and Part-tay and Randomness with 24 comments

girl dancing with martini

***WARNING!  THIS POST HAS CURSE WORDS THAT MIGHT NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES.  THEY ARE QUOTES FROM AN ACTUAL EMAIL, BUT ARE NECESSARY FOR THIS POST.  

DON’T WORRY THOUGH.  THE QUOTES ARE AWESOME.  JUST PUT THE KIDS TO BED OR CLOSE THE OFFICE DOOR.***

I’m sure by now you’ve all read the crude and derogatory email a college student from an East Coast university recently sent her fellow sorority sisters.

If you haven’t, it’s basically a long email ranting to her fellow sisters about how horrible they are.  It’s quite foul and demeaning.  So basically, it’s awesome.

You don’t have to read the email to understand this blog post, but if you want to read it, here’s the link.  http://gawker.com/life-lessons/

Since I’m a sorority girl and lived in a sorority house for two years, I know a bit about this world.  I’m sure that’s why one of the girls who received the less-than-friendly email reached out to me and sent me a copy of her response.

**I’ve changed the names to protect the identity of the parties.  I’ve also changed the names because I totally don’t know their names and this email response is totally made up.**

letter and envelopeDear Julia,

Thank you for your inspiring email!  It came at the perfect time, as I was feeling down about how I can’t have fun unless I’m drunk and was wondering if I had a drinking problem.

But then I read the part of your email where you said “I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober” and  I realized my fellow sisters suffer from this same ailment.  I’m so glad I’m not alone!

Of course I don’t have a drinking problem because I can’t have fun or talk to boys when I’m sober!  No one can have fun or talk to boys when they’re sober.

Thank you for reminding me of that fact.  It’s so obvy now that you point it out.

<Takes enormous swig of Everclear and chases it with another swig of Everclear.>

I hope you don’t think I was one of the girls being a “boner” at the recent event.  Granted, I was giving people boners at the event, but I wasn’t actually being one.

Wait…now I’m confused.  Is there a difference?

roosterI have another question.  In your email, you accused some girls of being “cock blocks” at events, and I want to assure you that I’m never a blocker of cocks.

On the contrary, I actually welcome all cocks with open legs arms, which I hope is acceptable.

I’ve been accused of a lot of things (being mentally slow, being a homewrecker, being mentally slow), but never have I been accused of being a cock block.

I love cock!  It’s why I have a bumper sticker on my car that says “I love cock.”

You know the one.  It has a drawing of a little rooster on it…which is totally random. Why a rooster?  It doesn’t say “I love rooster.”

I’m not sure why they didn’t just draw a penis.  They probably had really bad artists making those stickers.

No one could talk to this guy, sober or not.

No one could talk to this guy, sober or not.

Since you admonished people for not being able to talk to boys while sober, and we’ve now established that no one can talk to boys while sober, I hope my willingness not to “cock block” will demonstrate I’m not “a fucking faggot” as was alleged in the email.

Okay, so yes, there are those photos of that ONE night at winter formal last year with me being especially “sisterly,” but that was one of the few times I was sober, so you can’t hold me responsible for anything I did that night.

One time does not a ‘fucking faggot” make.

And sure, there was that other time on spring break, but it was a break….what was I supposed to do?   I needed to relax and those drinks weren’t going to consume themselves.

Was I just supposed to leave the shots of liquor in my fellow sister’s belly button, unconsumed?  That wouldn’t be a sisterly thing to do.

It would also be offensive to the manufacturer of the alcohol…and the bartender…and my sisters…and American spring breakers everywhere.

mojitoThat’s not what we’re about.  I basically took one for the team.

<Downs a Red Bull and vodka in 3 gulps.>

So please know I’m not “a fucking faggot” as was referenced in the email.  (For clarification that I prefer dudes most of the time, see my argument above about loving cock.  You saw my bumper sticker, right?)

You said there were several sisters “fucking up at sober fucking events” and I’m seeking some clarification on that point.

Are you saying sisters were fucking up at events because they were having sex while sober?  Hence the wording of “sober fucking event?”

Or are you saying people were fucking up at sober events, and you just hate sober events so much (because they’re sober), that you felt an extra “fucking” was needed before the word “event?”

Either are completely acceptable responses, I just want to know which one is the case, so I can draft my response accordingly.

dancing at partyHonestly, I think the best way to avoid problems of “fucking up at sober fucking events” is to just do away with any event where anyone is sober…regardless of whether coitus is involved.

That should eliminate some of those issues.  Can we make this new rule effective immediately?

<places tampon in bowl of Everclear to soak>

You said if people were going to be “a little asswipe who stands in the corners at night,” they shouldn’t come to tonight’s event.  Once again, I’m seeking a small point of clarification.

What if I’m an asswipe that sits in the corners at night instead of stands…or maybe if I just casually slump in the corner at night, perhaps after quietly vomiting in my shoe?  Is that acceptable?

I wasn’t sure if the emphasis of your point was on the standing of asswipes in the corner, or if sitting was also an option.

Or squatting too.  Sometimes a girl’s gotta pee and the bathroom is just too far, especially when your shoes are filled with vomit.  Hypothetically.

heels

Sorry for asking these questions.  I hope you don’t think I’m being a “boner.”

I wanted to thank you again for sending this email to remind us all why we joined a sorority in the first place.  I’ve never felt more dedicated to my sorority or my sisters than I do right now.

Sisters forever!stain from alcohol

LYLAS,

Gretchen

P.S.  I wanted to address your threat to “cunt punt” those who cheered for the wrong team.

Although at times I’m confused about which team I’m on, (even though I’m not a “fucking faggot’), I wanted to fill you in on a delicate issue.

I was actually cunt punted when I was younger, and I still have flash backs.

The fact the girl did the punting while wearing cleats wasn’t cool, but doing it while I was naked just just uncalled for.

DISCLAIMER:  This is a sarcastic post intended to mock the entire situation.  Please say you got that or I will have to take some lines from Julia’s email and scold you.

girls laying in circle