Sarcasm and sweatMy husband goes to the gym every day.  I know.  He’s obviously a douche.  Believe me, I didn’t find him this way.

When we met, I was a runner and worked out every day.  I would actually crave it and if I didn’t make it to the gym, I would have a bad day.  WHAT?!  I was clearly delusional.

I wonder if I had a tumor that was pushing on my brain, forcing me to make irrational decisions.  My dad had a brain tumor years ago, although he just got sick and lost weight.  I definitely don’t have that kind.  (Don’t worry, he survived and is alive and well, and warning me of the dangers of diabetes.)

260What was I talking about?  Ah yes, making fun of my husband.

Somehow during our relationship, mostly at my prodding, my husband discovered running.  I, on the other hand, discovered mint-flavored Oreos.

Although I still go to the gym, I’m not a regular anymore like my husband is.  He goes every morning at 5:30, while I’m at home fast asleep, dreaming of pizza and wings.  It’s a system that works for us.

This morning, I went to the gym with him.  It was partially because I was awake when he went, and partially because I inhaled half of a cookie cake the night before.

No joke.  I totally did.

We headed to the gym, and when we arrived, two employees greeted us as we scanned in.  Matt went first, and then said the following to me:

You’re going to take your little card, and put it up here to the scanner.  It will scan it and let the gym know we pay for a membership for you.”

Both employees stared at me in horror.

getting kissWe have a very sarcastic relationship, and a phrase commonly heard in our house is “I’m so sick of your face.”  This is always uttered by me.

Am I sick of his face?  It depends on the day and the amount of butt grabs I’ve received, but I love my husband more than anyone.  Just don’t tell him that.

Of course, we sound serious and the woman looked at me in shock, clearly amazed that I allowed such condescension.  Clearly, she knew I normally wore the pants in the relationship, and was confused I was so passive.

Normally, I would call him a dick-face or an a$$, but I decided to have a little fun at his expense.

I looked down to the ground, scanned my card without eye contact, and slowly turned around.  Matt kissed me on the cheek and went to the weight room.  As he walked away, I looked pleadingly at the girl and mouthed “Help me!” before shuffling toward the elliptical machines.

I suspect the cops will be giving my husband a call later today to investigate the allegations the woman most certainly filed with the local police department.  I will make sure I’m not home when he gets the call.

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****NOTE:  We let the employee know we were joking.  This is a sarcastic post, and in no way is an attempt to mock those dealing with spousal abuse.  If you are suffering from abuse, there are options. PLEASE, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).  

You don’t have to live in fear, and there are resources to assist you.  If you have questions, visit their website at or tell the local authorities or someone you trust.  Although I jokingly reference it in this post, actual spousal abuse occurs and is no laughing matter.

It’s not your fault, but you can get help.****

19 Thoughts on “Morning at the Gym: Sweat and Sarcasm

  1. Wonder what she would have done if you’d just gone ahead and called him a dick-face?
    Heather @ Sugar Dish Me just rambled about…Apple Cinnamon Stovetop OatmealMy Profile

  2. Sounded pretty funny to me and obvious you were joking, I was not offended.
    Dayngr just rambled about…OWG Raging Raspberry Lemonade and Grown Up Party TimeMy Profile

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’ve found some people on the Internet have never seen sarcasm before, and I didn’t want people to think I was making light of something big.

      But seriously, it was pretty Fricking funny.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. Lisa, I could so relate, because Kevin and I such sarcastic people by nature. I have shared some of this on my posts. Oh and I am so with you on working out in the morning. So not going to happen first thing either!! Hope you have a great weekend!! 🙂
    Janine Huldie just rambled about…Weekly Confessions Wrap-Up #9My Profile

    • I LOVE sarcastic people! (I’m not being sarcastic about being sarcastic.)

      I’m glad to know there are others out there who have a similar relationship with their spouses. It makes life so much more fun!

      Have a great weekend.

  4. Sexually-repressed and underpaid gym employee needs to lighten up, as there are much bigger douchebags at the gym wearing fanny packs and shouting “LIFT THAT SHIT” at each other and then flexing in the mirror. I love you two and wished you lived closer. We could get kicked out of SO many places together…
    Abby just rambled about…A Letter to My New Yoga PantsMy Profile

    • I KNOW! I definitely wish we lived closer, as we would have a blast! Perhaps we shall have to plan a girls weekend somewhere and laugh hysterically.

      It would be a great ab workout!

  5. My husband and I are like that too. Sometimes I do wish he’d just be nice. But we have fun.

    Grocery store checkout lady:”I need to see your ID please.”
    My husband: “Make sure you give them the right one.”

    I texted him a few weeks ago because he had stopped by a friends house for a drink (or two or seventeen) and I just wanted to know when he was coming home. I asked him what he was doing. He texted me back “Just looking at the brightest star and thinking of you.” My response “You are so full of shit.”

    Yeah, I totally get this post…
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…April Secret Subject Swap Take Two: When I Grow UpMy Profile

    • These comments by your husband are brilliant! Sorry to say, but they’re hilarious.

      I read out loud the comment about the brightest shining star and my husband LOVED it. I suspect he may steal that.

  6. I MUST BE A FLAMING DOOSH NOZZLE BECAUSE I am at the gym every single morning, no ands, ifs or BUTTS about it! Seriously. Won’t lie to you, I definitely cry sometimes before I go… But shit, the elliptical is my drug of choice and whoops me into a good mood (and shape?) every day! So then I can WOLF DOWN the food I want – AHHH HA HA HA! I am a freaking dog. or a vacuum cleaner. Whatever, don’t leave food around me – it will be gone.

    PS: You’re effin’ BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT I tell you – Now get your ass to the gym!
    GiGi Eats Celebrities just rambled about…Donald Trump Needs Some Saffron!My Profile

    • LOVE YOU!

      The elliptical is also my machine of choice, although I hate and curse it the entire time. This morning that bitch went up to a really high incline and didn’t warn me.

      And thanks for saying i’m brilliant! I love it when people give me random comments, so I will accept it!

      Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  7. My husband and I are big time smartasses with each other. It’s a miracle no one has accused us of verbal or emotional abuse though I suspect someone might be thinking it. We’re not mean, we just like to banter.

    Some people just need to lighten up and realize not everything is serious.
    Kim just rambled about…Top 5 Favorite MoviesMy Profile

    • We also love the banter! It’s so much fun and most of the time, we compliment each other when we come up with something.

      Of course, we don’t ever say anything personal or anything that’s hurtful or mean, but it makes the day to day things of life so much more enjoyable.

  8. I knew your post was funny since you are always funny…was the part at the end because someone didn’t get it was a joke? Anyway…in OUR house I tend to threaten my husband with a kick to the groin whenever he sasses me. He tends to hide in the basement doing laundry whenever I annoy his face. 🙂 Also, like the new blog.
    Jean Heff just rambled about…10 Things About Lost (That haven’t been fact-checked)My Profile

    • Aw, Jean, you’re so sweet!

      I also often threaten to kick my husband in the balls, or the crotch, or the junk, or if we’re in public and I want to be classy, “the jeans.”

      He knows what it means.

      My hubby also does laundry in the basement! It appears as if we are both doing this marriage thing right!

      As for the disclaimer, I didn’t want anyone to think I was making light of spousal abuse. I didn’t get a comment, but after the backlash and all the hateful (and sometimes threatening) emails and comments I received on my post about belly dancers, I figured I would put it on there.

      I discovered through that whole thing that people can take anything anyway they want, and although I think all of my stuff is clearly sarcastic, the belly dancer community did NOT read it as sarcastic. At all. Not even a little bit.

      So I was sparing myself a week of reading comments about how horrible and stupid and ignorant I am. 🙂

      I’m glad you like the new digs! I totally love it. I’m switching over the last 50 or so of my old posts and then it will be done!

  9. Donna George on April 14, 2013 at 1:19 am said:

    As a DV survivor, I still have a sense of humor. I found this hysterical! I knew it was over with my now-ex when I was joshing him while going through the drive thru at Wendy’s and he was not amused. He just did not get me, and certainly couldn’t appreciate my wit or good looks. 😉

    • Donna, I had no idea you were a DV survivor. I’m so sorry, but so proud of you for being able to get out and clearly becoming stronger for it.

      And obviously he didn’t know what an amazing person and beautiful woman he had. Duh. You were too out of his league and I’m glad you saw that.

      And thanks to this comment, I now want a Frosty from Wendys, in your honor, of course. 🙂

  10. Thanks for stopping by Terrier Torrent Lisa…You have a twisted sense of humor…I love it!
    GizmoGeodog just rambled about…Park Day Hiking Tip–Water, Water, Water on FitDog FridayMy Profile

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