The Jodi Arias trial has been everywhere recently. Whether Americans like it or not, (we don’t) , we’re updated constantly on every aspect of the trial. Some people are in the know because of CNN text updates, and others because networks don’t seem to understand the importance of letting a girl watch her stories without interruption.
So here are some things I’ve learned from the Jodi Arias trial. I realize it’s not over yet, but I probably won’t remember everything by the time this trial is actually done, so I figure I should start writing them down now.
Consider these my notes from class. I ‘ll even add some doodles of my name and the name of my crush to make it feel authentic.
1. Bangs really do make you ugly
We’ve all seen the photos of her with blonde hair and a buxom bosom.
I’m not sure what buxom means, but I’ve always wanted to use the term. I hope I used it correctly. If not, it stays. You all know she has huge boobs.
When the crime happened, Jodie was a
natural blonde with long hair and a penchant for contact lenses and slutty tops.
Now she’s a brunette with bangs, modest shirts, and glasses from the 1970s a la The Beatles.
Maybe the makeover and glasses are her subliminal way of paying homage to those boys from Liverpool by quietly yelling out “Help! I need somebody!”
What she needs, aside from eye shadow and a spray tan, is a prayer.Unfortunately, I don’t think even The Beatles are going to be able to get her out of this one.
Perhaps she took their music too literally and believed all she really needed was love. Not so much. Now, she just needs a good set of defense attorneys.
SIDENOTE: I had bangs as a kid, and I pulled them off.
She should take a lesson from seven-year-old-Lisa on how to rock this look.
2. The Seven Dwarfs have relevance in today’s culture
All this time I didn’t think Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs had any relevance in my adult life, other than to demonstrate that an apple a day doesn’t necessarily keep the doctor away.
(That creepy dwarf, Doc, stayed by her side the entire duration of her coma, yet didn’t do a single thing to revive her. Hello! Malpractice!)
Despite that harsh lesson about Doc, this children’s tale is more relevant now in light of the brutal murder of Travis Alexander.
According to a defense expert, those fun-loving dwarfs were really just abusers in tiny work pants. Who knew those little guys who loved stew also loved pushing Snow White around, bruising her up and making her do all the house work?
I suspect they did so while listening to a Chris Brown cd. Just a hunch.
Come to think of it, maybe the clues of dwarf abuse were there all along. I mean, they didn’t let her go anywhere and kept her all to themselves.
They also sang a very derogatory song where the word “hoe” was used repeatedly. We always thought the dwarfs were just horrible at songwriting and needed a word to rhyme with “go.” But perhaps the song was another form of abuse, repeatedly calling Snow White a hoe.
At least they gave her a greeting.
3. Even when photos are deleted from a camera, they can still be reproduced
Actually, pretty much everyone knew that, or at least anyone who watches Forensic Files, CSI, NCIS, or anything on TruTV.
It’s not that shocking. What is shocking, is how many television shows are about forensics.
Now if you’ll excuse me…I have a camera filled with digital photos I need to permanently destroy. I’m thinking fire…
4. It’s totally normal and acceptable to tell wildly different stories about an event
“The last cookie? I didn’t even know we had cookies. I was in another state when those cookies were purchased and consumed.”
“What? You can place me near the cookies? Oh, yeah, that’s because I was there, but some mean men broke into the house and ate the cookies. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared.”
“Wait, what? You know there weren’t any such men? Yeah, that’s because I totally ate the cookies. But hey, they had it coming. They were asking for it with their chocolate chip eyes and their crunchy goodness.”
See? Totally believable.
5. The “Duck Face” is totally appropriate in a courtroom
We’ve all seen the obnoxious “duck face” photos of want-to-be strippers on Facebook pages across the US. It’s normally a symbol of low self esteem and daddy issues.
But now? Jodi Arias has single
handedky lipedly brought the duck face into the legal arena. Thanks to her, we don’t need to look at photos of young girls taking “selfies” in the bathroom between classes. We can just look to any one of the ten NBC channels to see that mug.
And there you have it; all the things I’ve learned from the Jodi Arias trial, and it isn’t even over yet!
Can you imagine the kind of knowledge I will have amassed once this trial is over? I’m going to be as smart as Einstein! I mean, I’ve already got the crazy hair!