I don’t watch Teen Moms on MTV. If I wanted to see teen moms, I’d just go to the food court at the mall, as that’s where I find them in my town.
I think many of them believe the toddler play area is a free daycare service provided by the local Cinnabon employees.
Wait. I think some of those teen moms are local Cinnabon employees.
Anyway, this post isn’t about the teen moms who keep me fat with copious amount of icing. (Did you know they let you just order icing?)
This post is about Farrah Abraham, who was previously on Teen Moms. I refuse to watch MTV ever since The Hills was cancelled, so I’m not familiar with the show.
I’m no genius (and neither is the MTV viewer demographic), but I suspect it’s a show about teen moms.
A quick search of the interwebs confirmed my suspicions, and Farrah was one of the moms featured.
Apparently, the role-model mom made a sex tape and sold it for nearly $1 million. That’s quite the after-school job and beats the crap out of my high school job bagging groceries.
According to Farrah, she made the tape “for her personal use only.” You know, like most teen moms raising a kid on their own do.
Being a single parent is hard and not always respected by society. What better way to (1) earn money and (2) gain the respect of others, than by making a sex tape?
The logic is infallable. (As is MTV’s ability to make idiotic programming.)
According to Business Insider, Farrah made the tape with no intention of selling it, and I believe her. I know all the times I’ve made a sex tape, I’ve done so for those nights when The Big Bang Theory is in reruns and there’s nothing on HBO.
What better way to wind down from a long day at work than to watch a video of myself naked?
Some accuse Farrah of doing this for money, but I don’t see any evidence to support that. Let’s analyze this and strip down to the bare facts.
First, if she wanted to make a sex tape to sell, would she choose infamous p0rn star James Deen to do the deed with her? Of course not.
What purpose would that serve? To increase sales with a well-known dong? Pft! Farrah’s better than that.
According to Business Insider, James Deen, has been in over 1,300 “adult” films. I can only assume that’s a reference to films about algebra and physics, as those are certainly “adult” topics.
I’m sure Farrah had no intention of making this film for profit. I mean, in my single days, I can’t tell you how many times I solicited infamous p0rn stars to make sex tapes with me just for fun. Just for shits and giggles. (Ironically, that was the name of a film I wanted to make.)
Granted, at first Farrah denied the tape existed, but isn’t that the standard protocol for all sex tape scandals?
Fine role models like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton set the Gold Coin Condom standard for the proper way to handle the distribution of sex tapes. The first step is deny, deny deny!
Actually, the first step is to make a p0rno, but those ladies don’t seem like they’re very good with counting anything but the dollars made by their…ahem…hard work.
So I don’t fault Farrah for denying the tape’s existence. That’s how it gets publicity. Isn’t that how the Loch Ness Monster stays relevant? If he admitted his existence, his elusive gig would be all over.
Farrah is just taking a page from the book of our favorite amphibian.
Apparently the video has a name, Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. I’m sure that’s just the name she wrote on the sticker on the outside of the VHS tape.
I usually label my videos with titles like Lisa Loves Laundry or Suburbanite Scrubbing Sinks. Those accurately describe the contents, while using a clever name.
So I don’t fault Farrah. I’m sure the video involves her greeting a guest at the backdoor…where all self-respecting women greet their overnight guests.
Farrah is really just a victim and James Deen is the one to blame.
After all, he went on The Today Show and told America it was all a scheme. He said she tried to fake a relationship with him and invite paparazzi to photograph them “on a date” so the release of the “oopsie” video would be believable, but Deen wouldn’t do it.
He has standards, which are just what I look for in my favorite adult film star.
Deen refused to go “out” with her in public and let the tabloids video it. That would just be crude. He was fine going “in” (and out) with her in private (and in her privates).
Videotaping that was totally fine.
But go to Starbucks for a coffee and let photographers snatch some shots? What is he? A prostitute? Someone who has sex for money? Someone who gets paid to do just about anyone for a pay check?
NO. He has standards! He’s a p0rn star for goodness sakes!
So I’m urging you, have some sympathy for Farrah. After all, her name is Farrah Abraham, which sounds a lot like “Father Abraham” which is a super catchy song I used to sing as a kid.
And as we all know, Father Abraham had many sons (and many sons had Father Abraham.)
I bet she’s just trying to make more babies to live up to the legend of that song. She seems like a really religious gal.