Isn't the resemblance uncanny?

Isn’t the resemblance uncanny?

As many of you know, I have the best and most wonderful niece in the entire world.  This is not up for debate and I will kick anyone in the balls/vagina who disagrees or tries to convince me otherwise.

To make the experience more painful for you (and pleasurable for me), I will wear pointy shoes when the kick

I’m not even a kid person, so the fact I realize she’s the most amazing thing to crawl and butt-scoot this earth speaks volumes as to how amazing she truly is.occurs.

Normally, when people show me pictures of their kids I’m all “She’s cute” or “He’s all boy!” but what I’m really thinking about is cheesecake and how I need to remember to pick up my birth control prescription.

Unfortunately for my niece, she’s going to have a complex.  I don’t want to admit it, but I also know there’s no way around it.  The groundwork for the complex has already been laid, and its foundation is building each day.  Much like how Honey Boo Boo is destined for low-grade fetish p0rn, my niece is destined for a life of being the center of attention.  Come to think of it, the constant attention is the only thing she and Honey Boo Boo will ever have in common.

Am I contributing to my niece’s complex?  Every.  Single.  Day.

First of all, I tell her how perfect she is all the time.  Why?  Because she is, and don’t they say you’re supposed to tell people how you feel?  It’s the same reason I profess my love to Ryan Gosling via the twitter account he never uses.  Some day it will pay off and I know the same is true of my niece, who I loving refer to as K-Bear.  (That’s not her real name.  I would remove her from the custody of her parents if they named her such a thing.)

K-Bear is also constantly being dressed up in elaborate outfits and costumes for every holiday imaginable.  Why?  Um, why not?  Would it be Thanksgiving without a 6-month-old dressed like a Pilgrim?  Of course not.  Why would you want it to be?  What do you do to celebrate freedom on that special day?  Our forefathers would beam with pride if they knew K-Bear took the celebration so seriously.  Even at a young age, she’s patriotic. (Que national anthem music and flag blowing in the breeze.)

I guarantee the Pilgrims didn’t wear
arm cuffs made out of a t-shirt from
The Dollar Tree.  But I bet they
wish they could have.

And what would Halloween be without the obligatory photo of her in a blinged out orange and white outfit sitting in a metal pumpkin?  It would be a holiday not worth celebrating, that’s what.

The contents of this pumpkin are worth saving,
but shouldn’t be baked in the oven.

She is also photographed and videoed constantly,which will probably contribute to her complex and her subsequent therapy bills where she discusses her fear of flashing lights. I’m sure K-Bear knows exactly how Kim Kardashian feels with the constant snapshots, only she’s far less annoying than Kim and knows the definition of desperation, so she’s already superior.

K-Bear is photographed so frequently I suspect her first words will be “No photos, please.”  It wouldn’t be an unreasonable request, but one that would be promptly ignored.

As if these reasons aren’t compelling enough for why she will have a complex (or three), the biggest reason, the coup de grâce of reasons?  She’s related to me.  Isn’t that enough to give anyone a complex? 

8 Thoughts on “Why my niece will have a complex

  1. Um…Yeah. I totally agree with you.

    • I assume you agree with me on the fact that she’s the best child ever, and not that I’m giving her a complex. I know you agree the Pilgrims didn’t use a t-shirt from The Dollar Tree, nor did they wear an outfit made out of remnants of material from a pom pon costume.


  2. Loved this and truly reminded me of how we were with our niece when she was a baby. She was the first grandchild on my husband’s side and we just adored her. We still do and to this day she is truly spoiled by all of us.

    • She’s the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents and they are all in heaven! My parents and her parents get along well, and we actually all went to my sister-in-law’s family’s house for Thanksgiving. That child is going to be so stinking spoiled and loved that she probably will have a complex and will rebel someday.

      Hopefully, I can be the cool aunt she talks to about boys and how her parents are stupid.

  3. Haha. This is awesome! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Following you now as well!


    • Thanks for stopping by as well. Since you’re following me, I suspect I didn’t scare you off. Either that, or you are really polite.

      I’ll take either one. I’m fine with pity. Obvy.

  4. What more could she need than be related to you 🙂 It’s an Aunts right to be OTT –

    • You’re absolutely right on all fronts, Glen! I think you may need to be my morale friend in the entourage I’m forming.

      Here’s a link to the (hopefully) fun and entertaining application. You can fill out all or part of it. I will be posting the responses on my blog in about a week with links to each person’s blog who answered and a little bio about each person. (I will totally make up the bio, but don’t tell anyone that.)

      No pressure, but I’d love to have a guy in my entourage, especially one from “across the pond” (Why is the ocean considered a pond? A pond isn’t even salt water.)

      Good luck and I would love to see your responses if you want to send them! You can email them if you want to be super secretive.

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