As many of you know, I have the best and most wonderful niece in the entire world. This is not up for debate and I will kick anyone in the balls/vagina who disagrees or tries to convince me otherwise.
I’m not even a kid person, so the fact I realize she’s the most amazing thing to crawl and butt-scoot this earth speaks volumes as to how amazing she truly is.occurs.
Normally, when people show me pictures of their kids I’m all “She’s cute” or “He’s all boy!” but what I’m really thinking about is cheesecake and how I need to remember to pick up my birth control prescription.
Unfortunately for my niece, she’s going to have a complex. I don’t want to admit it, but I also know there’s no way around it. The groundwork for the complex has already been laid, and its foundation is building each day. Much like how Honey Boo Boo is destined for low-grade fetish p0rn, my niece is destined for a life of being the center of attention. Come to think of it, the constant attention is the only thing she and Honey Boo Boo will ever have in common.
Am I contributing to my niece’s complex? Every. Single. Day.
First of all, I tell her how perfect she is all the time. Why? Because she is, and don’t they say you’re supposed to tell people how you feel? It’s the same reason I profess my love to Ryan Gosling via the twitter account he never uses. Some day it will pay off and I know the same is true of my niece, who I loving refer to as K-Bear. (That’s not her real name. I would remove her from the custody of her parents if they named her such a thing.)
K-Bear is also constantly being dressed up in elaborate outfits and costumes for every holiday imaginable. Why? Um, why not? Would it be Thanksgiving without a 6-month-old dressed like a Pilgrim? Of course not. Why would you want it to be? What do you do to celebrate freedom on that special day? Our forefathers would beam with pride if they knew K-Bear took the celebration so seriously. Even at a young age, she’s patriotic. (Que national anthem music and flag blowing in the breeze.)
|I guarantee the Pilgrims didn’t wear
arm cuffs made out of a t-shirt from
The Dollar Tree. But I bet they
wish they could have.
|The contents of this pumpkin are worth saving,
but shouldn’t be baked in the oven.
She is also photographed and videoed constantly,which will probably contribute to her complex and her subsequent therapy bills where she discusses her fear of flashing lights. I’m sure K-Bear knows exactly how Kim Kardashian feels with the constant snapshots, only she’s far less annoying than Kim and knows the definition of desperation, so she’s already superior.
K-Bear is photographed so frequently I suspect her first words will be “No photos, please.” It wouldn’t be an unreasonable request, but one that would be promptly ignored.
As if these reasons aren’t compelling enough for why she will have a complex (or three), the biggest reason, the coup de grâce of reasons? She’s related to me. Isn’t that enough to give anyone a complex?