|Having a fabulous time on Oscar
night. Please disregard the purple
sock monkey dressed like Dracula
that’s on the floor. He was NOT
The Oscars were last week, and I’m sure you all watched, hoping for a glimpse at this year’s new fashion trends (and maybe a nip slip or two). I also watched the Oscars, but mostly because we hosted an Oscar party and the only way it was socially acceptable to continually eat buffalo cheese dip was to sit in front of the TV and act interested. I survived by making fun of celebrities and their outfits, all the while hoping someone would embarrass themselves.
The night was a success as Meryl Streep picked her butt in front of millions of people and I swear she sniffed her hand afterward, although this assertion can’t be confirmed on the playback. Kristin Stewart looked irritable and stoned, which was expected but totally fun to watch. Jennifer Lawrence also bit it while walking up the steps to accept her award, which made me feel bad for her until I realized it gave me Oscar bingo.
Sorry Jennifer Lawrence. I didn’t want to point out your fall in this post, but my win entitled me to a coupon for a free taco from Hardee’s, so I was happy you skinned your knee. And don’t worry about it. No one saw you fall. TRUST me.
It’s been a week and because I’m super busy and important, I’m just now getting around to writing my blog post about what was worn on Oscar night. Get off my back. You know you loved letting the suspense build. Wait no more!
By now you’ve realized photos of what I wore on Oscar night are missing from all the paparazzi shots in the tabloids. I know you’ve been dying to know what I wore on Oscar night, and since I don’t want you to stop breathing, I will reveal that information now. (Seriously. I need all four of you to stay alive so someone actually reads this blog.)
1. Pants = Jeans. Designer = Dressbarn
Yeah, that’s right. Those jeans are legit and from Dressbarn circa 2009. You’re probably asking yourself “Dressbarn? Where’s that? I bet it’s a totally exclusive shop that’s ridiculously expensive and only celebrities have access to it.”
I can see where you would get that impression, but I’m happy to say it isn’t the case. Dressbarns are located all over the United States, typically in run down strip malls in dangerous parts of town right next to either a closed Old Country Buffet or a partially burned down Ryan’s Steakhouse. It’s also the same place you take your grandma to buy her support hose and girdle. It smells like moth balls and Altoids. Ringing a bell? Check out their jeans next time granny needs a support bra.
2. Top = striped sweater. Designer = JC Penny
|This is because I knew you would
demand an over-the-shoulder shot.
Please note my bodyguard is not amused.
Yes, I sprung big for a name-brand department store for my top. I knew I would be photographed from head to toe, but I really wanted my sweater to to pop for the cameras. I think we can agree it did. We can also agree that I should never wear horizontal stripes again, as it makes my stomach look like it’s filled with a pound of buffalo chicken dip. Wait…I think it was.
3. Under the sweater = black tank top. Designer = Casual Corner
“But Lisa, Casual Corner went out of business in 2003. How could you possibly wear a Casual Corner piece?” Um, it’s vintage. Be jealous. It looks amazing and you know it.
4. Hair piece = black piece of elastic. Designer = Goody
I might be lying about the designer, but it isn’t intentional. I know Goody is a brand of hair products, but I’m not sure if that’s the designer who made my sweet headband. What I know for sure is that I found this headband about five minutes before our guests arrived. It was shoved in the bottom of a basket in our hall closet waiting for a special occasion like the Oscars. I’m pretty sure I used it to keep the chips bag closed before it landed in the closet.
5. Jewelry = Pearl Necklace. Designer = K’s Jewelry
For all you perverts out there, this is an actual pearl necklace. It was given to me by a high school boyfriend. I would like to say it’s real, but I suspect it’s fake and the money intended for the purchase of jewelry was squandered away on cheap whiskey and soft core porn. Either way, I still like the necklace and if I sniff closely, I can smell the faint aroma of Swisher Sweets.
So there you have it! Wonder no more about what designer clothes I sported on Oscar night. I suspect there will be a run on all of these items now that I’ve spilled the beans on my outfit selection. Interestingly, I also literally spilled the beans at our party…which is why that sweet plastic tablecloth is on the serving table in the background. Hey, at least it’s better than cutting the cheese.
I totally did that too.