I might actually ignore the call from me just so I could receive a voicemail and save it…so I could hear my voice whenever I needed comfort; like whenever Taylor Swift comes out with a new album. (We get it. You were dumped and can’t ever find love. It’s probably because you make a pouty face in photos and you’ve never been introduced to a straightening iron.)
Excuse me a moment while I leave myself a voicemail.
Okay, I’m back. I left an inspirational voicemail to myself questioning why Luv’s doesn’t make tampons. It seems like such a no-brainer and a great cross-marketing idea.
As you can see, my voicemails are brilliant, which is all the more reason my husband should listen to them. So every now and then, I like to leave him voicemail with interesting (and hilarious) content, just to see if he listens. Here are a few examples of my recent attempts:
- “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”
- “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”
- “On a totally unrelated note, we need more pineapple. And Neosporin.”
- “I know you’ve been trying to get into that zumba class at the gym, and today they told me there was an opening for you. I told them you didn’t look good in neon, and declined the invitation. You don’t look good in neon.”
- “I spiked your lunch with a diuretic because you look a little bloated. You’re welcome.”
- “When you come home today, whatever you do, don’t look in the hall closet. I rescued a feral cat today and he doesn’t like men, or the smell of cheap cologne. You lose on both counts.”
I’ve never received a response.
If you’d like me to leave you inspirational voicemail like this, just let me know. I won’t charge anything more than the long distance charge I get when I use my rotary phone from my land line.