Voicemails to my hubandMy husband never listens to voicemail from me.  I find this strange because if I got a voicemail from me, I would listen to it immediately.

I might actually ignore the call from me just so I could receive a voicemail and save it…so I could hear my voice whenever I needed comfort; like whenever Taylor Swift comes out with a new album.  (We get it.  You were dumped and can’t ever find love.  It’s probably because you make a pouty face in photos and you’ve never been introduced to a straightening iron.)

Excuse me a moment while I leave myself a voicemail.

Okay, I’m back.  I left an inspirational voicemail to myself questioning why Luv’s doesn’t make tampons.  It seems like such a no-brainer and a great cross-marketing idea.

As you can see, my voicemails are brilliant, which is all the more reason my husband should listen to them.  So every now and then, I like to leave him voicemail with interesting (and hilarious) content, just to see if he listens.  Here are a few examples of my recent attempts:

  • “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”
  • “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”
  • “On a totally unrelated note, we need more pineapple.  And Neosporin.”
  • “I know you’ve been trying to get into that zumba class at the gym, and today they told me there was an opening for you.  I told them you didn’t look good in neon, and declined the invitation. You don’t look good in neon.”
  • “I spiked your lunch with a diuretic because you look a little bloated.  You’re welcome.”
  • “When you come home today, whatever you do, don’t look in the hall closet.  I rescued a feral cat today and he doesn’t like men, or the smell of cheap cologne.  You lose on both counts.”

I’ve never received a response.

If you’d like me to leave you inspirational voicemail like this, just let me know.  I won’t charge anything more than the long distance charge I get when I use my rotary phone from my land line.

26 Thoughts on “Voicemails to my husband: A love story

  1. This is a great idea- I need to modify this and then start doing this to my sister. She doesn’t believe in voice mail either.

  2. HA HA HA! LOVE IT! I once wrote a post based upon our text messages. Yours is way better than mine!

    • Oh, I’m not so sure about that. I’ve often thought that if we both perished tomorrow and someone looked at our text messages, they would think we hated each other and were headed straight for divorce.

  3. Cannot understand why he doesn’t listen to your voicemails, because they are hilarious!! Seriously, thank you for the bit of laughter today!! 🙂

    • But don’t you see, Janine? He doesn’t listen because he doesn’t know they’re hilarious. I swear, sometimes that guy just doesn’t get it. He probably ignores me as his way of coping with the fact he married me and is stuck with me forever, or until I fall apart and he upgrades to a new model.

      I’m glad I could give you a chuckle. 🙂

  4. J doesn’t listen to mine either. Which makes me sad. I leave him totally awesome voicemails like my awesome Darth Vader impression, the entire Brady theme song sang operatically. Nothing. Just wrong. Lori and I always leave each other epic voicemails so that almost makes up for it.

  5. You are hilarious. My husband doesn’t listen to mine either, nor does he reply to my texts or my emails. Then when I confront (read, psychotic hissy fit) him he says he didn’t see them. I’ve put up with this for many years until I spat the dummy and told him I will buy a pair of shoes for every email/sms/voicemail he ignores.

    I’d like to say it works but really I just have a shitload of shoes.

    • This is not only hilarious, but brilliant! Also, if your hubby has an iPhone, change his settings to give a read receipt so you can see if he actually read it or not. Obviously don’t tell him you’re engaging in such espionage.

  6. These are awesome! My husband and I text goofy things back and forth all the time. Keeps things fun! : ) Great post, Lisa! (**,)

    • Matt and I text all the time and part of me wonders what would happen if someone got a hold of our phones and saw what we text. We probably look like we hate each other!

      I’m glad I’m not the only one with a marriage like that. It’s so much more fun when you laugh. 🙂

  7. Please, at the most random time possible, leave me a voicemail. This is 100% a serious request. Seriously.

  8. If you decided to go all lesbiany since he doesn’t appreciate your awesome voicemails, and also, if I decided to go all lesbiany, we could leave each other voicemails all day long and then get home at the end of the day and spoon.

    Just something to keep in mind.

  9. hahahahaha!!!!! This is HILARIOUS!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing this at the Show Off Blog Party!!!! I am literally in tears right now from laughing right now while my hubby is napping next to me. I should do it to see if he will listen to voicemail too. I usually am a texter. Thanks again and I hope to see you next week at the Blog Party!!

    The Wondering Brain
    Jessica just rambled about…My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party #1My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I also urge you to do the voicemail thing! I can’t tell you how much fun it is to leave those messages knowing he won’t listen to them. Part of you wants him to, but then part of you doesn’t because it’s a secret you can keep to yourself. It’s ridiculously entertaining, which probably just means I’m a simple person who is easily entertained.

      You really should try it! I’m such a peer pressurer. (Is that a word?)

      Thanks for letting me know about the blog hop. I would have had no idea otherwise! I know nothing about all this blog stuff so hand holding is always good (as long as it doesn’t lead to crotch holding.)

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I would love to participate next week. 🙂

  10. omg. this is so funny!

  11. Hey Lisa,

    How’s my blog stalker doing? Good News!!! You’ve been featured at the SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party! CONGRATULATIONS!! Go check it out :))

    The Wondering Brain
    Jessica just rambled about…My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party #2My Profile

  12. Dude…Luv’s tampons…why hasn’t this happened!?
    Megly Mc just rambled about…Guess I Better Stop Talking About Robbing Those Banks In the 80s, Too, Huh?My Profile

    • I KNOW! They could even put them in the same aisle as the diapers, so you could pick up both when you needed them.

      I need to send them an email with my brilliant marketing idea. I would be totally fine getting rich on tampon money.

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