Better job options-Recently I’ve started considering alternate jobs and careers where I would excel.  Do I currently have a job and career?  Yes, but there are certainly other things I could do that would bring me joy and happiness (and that wouldn’t require me to wear suits….or depending on the career….bras).

So I’ve decided to make a list of possible career moves and why I would or wouldn’t be a good match for each.  Feel free to suggest other options, but just know I refuse to work anywhere that requires me to wear a visor.

This is non-negotiable.

1.  Snake charmer

I frequently hear people describe me as charming, which may be a backhanded compliment.  I’m not sure, but since I think I’m delightfully charming, I go with it.  Naturally, I thought perhaps a job with the word “charm” in it would be a great option, since I already possess the requisite skill.

However, the only job I could think of with that word is a snake charmer, and since snakes are one of the few things in life that leave me speechless, I don’t think this is a good career move.  I suspect my haters would disagree.

2.  Professional wake-up-caller

Now here’s a job where I wouldn’t have to wear pants.  Score!  I could work from the comfort of my home, making calls to people to wake them up.  This would be a great job because I love yelling “Wake up, people, the light is green!” or “Wake up people, hipsters really do want to take over the world!”  (They really do.)

Wait.  I would have to make calls to literally wake people up from sleep?  I couldn’t just wake them up from their delusions?  Um, this suddenly doesn’t sound so appealing.  I’ll hit the snooze button on this one.

3.  Mime

Perhaps I could become a mime.  I have a pale face and I look awesome in black. This is right up my alley…unless I would have to perform in an alley, which wouldn’t be cool.  I would have to be a professional mime for this to work.

You know what?  This won’t work for me because it requires me to stay silent, and I have far too many brilliant things to say to do this job.  The world needs to benefit from my comments, so I will pass on this one.  You’re welcome for that.

4.  Haberdasher

I don’t have any desire to do this job, but I do have a desire to say this word repeatedly, so that’s why it’s number four.  Haberdasher.

5.  Mortician

Since people often annoy me, perhaps this would be a great job for me.  It’s perfect because it combines my irritation with people and my love of applying makeup.  Maybe we have a winner here.

One teeny weeny little problem.  (Hee hee. Weeny).  I am horrible with makeup.  Seriously.  I can’t apply eyeliner and I’ve injured myself with an eyelash curler one too many times.  Assuming people want to remember their Aunt Sally as she was, this might not be a great career move.  But, if people want to remember Aunt Sally as a member of Kiss, then I’ve got them covered.  (I will literally cover her in makeup).

I’m sure you’re sick of reading this, and I’m sick of typing, so I will stop for now.  I guess I will continue in my current profession; that is, until I come up with something completely brilliant to do.

8 Thoughts on “Time for a career change? Some of my best options

  1. You are my hero. That is all.

  2. Am I your hero because I decided not to be a professional haberdasher? Maybe I will get some business cards that just say:

    Lisa Newlin

    Worth. The. Money.

  3. You’re just me hero. Period. Although, I think your business cards should say, “Haberdasher of Hoozits, Thingamajigs, and Doo-hickey’s.” It almost sounds like something from Willy Wonka. Just don’t go painting your skin orange and dying your hair green. If you do, I’ll have to draw the line on you being my hero. But, you can be my favorite Oompa Loompa.

    • Don’t worry. Now that I’ve switched my hair from blonde to reddish brown, I can’t pull of wearing orange anymore…whether on my face or otherwise.

      We’re good.

  4. No poop detective? Oh my…

    You named your gallbladder Stan? Do you have a pimple named Doug?

    OMG! I am reading this to my husband and he is very entertained. And not many people entertain him. Most people annoy him. Hey waaaaaait a minute-maybe you should become morticians together!

    Have I told you I love your blog???? LOVE LOVE LOVE… and that’s not just the wine talking…

    • I could TOTALLY be a poop detective! I didn’t know about your blog post until you posted the link, but I’m thinking that job is right up my alley too. I’m actually quite involved with animal rescue and volunteer with a no-kill shelter. There are some dogs I can identify based upon smell and/or appearance of poop alone. It’s a skill I’ve not yet found helpful in my working life; perhaps until now.

      And yes, I named my gallbladder Stan, mostly because he’s an evil being and he needed a name with a face. Not sure if you saw the links on here, but here is the first one about the gallbladder attack on my life, and then you can go from there for the follow up posts.

      We really need to take a stronger stance on crime. Then the Stans of the world wouldn’t get away with what he did.

      And of course I don’t have a pimple named Doug! I don’t get pimples! (I call them blemishes. It sounds fancier).

      I’m glad your husband enjoys my blog and my humor. He sounds like a brilliant and hilarious guy! I have a magnet on my car that says “I love dogs. It’s people who annoy me.” It’s pretty much my mantra. He can share it with me.

  5. I too have been thinking I may need a career change. There isn’t much a retiree market for worn out, fed up IT people. Here were a couple of my ideas. Professional Jedi, A Genie, Professional Coffee Drinker/Barnes and Noble chair warmer, Dog Walker – I really think I could actually do this one….

    • Based upon your insight on your entourage application, I’d say you’re a shoe-in for the Professional Jedi position. You should start your own business with a catchy and totally creative title like “Jedis R Us.” But make the R backwards to make it original.

      And as a regular volunteer at a rescue shelter, I can assure you the dog walker thing is fun and rewarding…as long as you don’t mind getting some dog poo on you. But who would mind such a thing?

      I think I’m already a professional Barnes & Noble chair warmer, so you’ll have to find something else.

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