SPANXFor any woman who is larger than a size 6, there is most likely an outfit or dress that doesn’t display her figure as flattering as she would like.

For any woman who is smaller than a size 6…you can suck it, and I’m pretty sure we aren’t friends.

Fortunately, for those of us in the former category, the geniuses at Spanx created a product that allows women to put on undergarments of wonder, and give the illusion they are thinner than they actually are.

Normally, I’m not a fan of Spanx for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I am a fan of breathing and prefer to do it on a regular basis.

However, every now and again, a situation comes along that calls for Spanx.

Recently I had such an occasion.  I presented at a seminar and wanted to wear a sassy dress to deter the attendees from what was most likely going to be extremely boring presentation.

Tragically, the sassy dress I wanted to wear didn’t flatter my stomach the way I would have liked.

You see, I have a bit of a food obsession, and my love of food extends to all things fried and anything made by Hostess.  Please also see my other posts about my love affair with Chipotle.

I knew if I didn’t want to gross out my audience with fat rolls made of beans and rice, I needed to purchase a new pair of Spanx.

I headed to Target to make the purchase.  Normally, I buy Spanx at Saks, but the uptight saleswomen there tend to judge me and my $10 purse from Charming Charlies. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with those women and their plastic faces.

Although most of them lack the ability to make any facial expressions because of their Botox injections, I can still feel them judging me with their eyes…that, and the fact I was once mistaken for the cleaning lady.

I was asked to only enter the store from the rear to avoid detection from the other patrons.  Now it’s the only entrance I use.

I went into Target, avoiding the strong urge to grab a pretzel and some nachos from the snack shop, and headed straight for the lingerie section where I saw several packages that looked like this:

Spanx

What the hell kind of marketing ploy was this?  Was Spanx serious? What amazing marketing mind brought this photo to the packaging designers and said “This drawing by my third grader of some naked chicks is really going to sell this product“?

I mean, I know me and my best black friend and Asian friend like to hang out wearing only Spanx and high heels, all the while throwing our hands in the air like we don’t care, smiling like idiots; but that’s only for the lucky people who answer our Craigslist “massage” ads.

What was this design?  Were these women wearing shirts or bras or were they just naked on top?  If so, where were their nipples?

What are the chances of three women being friends that don’t have nipples?  Maybe they met at a support group called Nipple-less ‘nonymous.  (I’m not aware of such a group, but I suspect at the meetings they drink out of bottles with huge nipples.)

Okay, back to the packaging.  You need to focus.

skinny woman in whiteWhat exactly was this drawing on the package supposed to suggest?  As much as I would have liked to analyze this further, I couldn’t as I was on a time crunch.

I hastily purchased the Spanx, along with a choice Hostess snack, and headed home to get ready.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I would spend the next 10 minutes engaged in a ferocious battle. I definitely didn’t realize who the battle would be with.

When I arrived home, I opened the package and pulled out the coveted product.  It looked like nude biker shorts for a very disproportionate person with tiny legs and a midsection the approximate length of a serpent.

I didn’t have time to waste so I immediately began putting them on…or trying to.

For those of you familiar with Spanx, you know that once the Spanx go on, they suck in your fat with such force that you feel like the top of your body is going to be propelled into space like a rocket ship. 

These undergarments are a launching pad for your midsection and believe it or not, that doesn’t make for a comfortable fit.I spent the next 10 minutes engaged in near deadly combat with nylon and lycra.  They were formidable opponents.

battleI literally fought the battle of the bulge as I grunted, cussed and tried to pull the material up.

After several f-bombs, I was ultimately successful in getting the Spanx into place, and breathed a sigh of relief…or tried to, but the constriction of my rib cage by this devil-product made that impossible.

Despite these new NASA qualifications, I was upset because I didn’t look nearly as good as the sketches on the package.

I had the biker-type shorts pulled up to my bra just as instructed.  I suspected it was my stance, so I tried out the rocking poses as advertised on the package.  However, I struggled to get my hands up over my head, so I decided to move on.

I put on my dress and surveyed the results.  Not too bad.  I really did look 10 pounds thinner, although my face aged 10 years from the battle.

I headed to work, but was incredibly uncomfortable the entire morning.  Normally, I drink a bottle of water and a caffeinated beverage of choice in the morning, but I didn’t drink either because I was petrified of going to the bathroom and removing the Spanx.

I knew I would never get them back on without a bite stick and a vat of Crisco.

little girl with arms upBy mid-afternoon I was so dehydrated I was beginning to get dizzy, which didn’t make for a good mood.  As I attempted to prepare for my presentation, I realized not one person commented that I looked thinner.

Was I really so big that the apparent loss of 10 pounds was just a drop in the bucket?

Was the restriction of my rib cage and the crushing of my thighs worth the misery I was experiencing?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t like what Spanx were doing to me.

True, I may have looked thinner (although if I did, no one noticed), but I didn’t like the way they adversely affected my mood.

So, just before going on for my presentation, I went to the bathroom and peeled the torture chamber off my body.

Words cannot describe the sweet relief I felt as my fat rolls dropped a foot and a half down to their normal location.  I felt like myself…fat rolls and all…and that was just fine with me.

I then celebrated my victory over the Spanx with a deep breath (my first one of the day), and a chocolate chip cookie…or two…

Not me, although this guy could use some Spanx.

54 Thoughts on “Spanx, but no Spanx

  1. omg – are their boobs out? What the heck? I bought spanx once – they did make me look hot, but had the quite opposite/bridget jones effect when the guy I brought home (because of spanx effect) saw them (because I was just tipsy enough to forget that i was wearing them under my outfit). I feel much better without them as well. And, I will report, am less slutty! (haha)

  2. Lisa Newlin on June 30, 2011 at 8:48 pm said:

    I’m glad to hear your slutty days are behind you Ellen. Wait, no I’m not. That’s not as much fun for this old married woman. I need you slutting it up around town to keep me entertained.

  3. OMG – That is the funniest one yet! I was seriously LOL (even though I hate that abbreviation). Keep them coming! :)~

  4. Anonymous on June 30, 2011 at 9:40 pm said:

    Another post that caused me to laugh until I broke into a coughing fit!!! Thanks, Lis 😀 Glad you were comfortable during your presentation 🙂 Your post reminded me of the single time I wore spanx: a wedding at which i was a guest. Such a miserable experience that we skipped the reception–I would not have been able to partake in the cake munching and was too uncomfortable to dance, so there was very little point in staying! Anyhow, I swore to myself that I would never again wear shaping undergarments. I would just by outfits that offered better camouflage. We really should band together for a spanx burning day!

  5. You tried them on in the store? You are my hero lol!

  6. OMG! This is too funny! I have read many horror stories about spanx, but have never tried them. I am bigger than a size 6, and look like I have a little inner tube around my middle. Not cute at all!

    I lost it at the picture on the package. It really is scary how much we think alike. Almost identical thoughts were running through my head as you wrote.

    I probably will never wear spanx, because I have pee issues. I’m afraid they will squeeze it all out of me…

    • I’m confident that if you have pee issues, you should NEVER wear Spanx. Also, if you enjoy breathing, feeling normal and not being miserable, you should also never wear Spanx.

      And who designed that package? They were obviously drunk.

  7. I must admit, the idea of you now always using the service entrance at Saks is bringing me and my Charming Charlies purse unending joy. And here’s a tip: whatever you do, do NOT buy the Target Spanx (“Assets”) thong. Ouch ouch ouch! Holy poor design. Unless I put it on backwards, which is very possible.

    • If you put that thong on backwards, you would know because you would either (1) injure yourself, ensuring you won’t have more children (or coitus) or (2) enjoy the experience a little too much, if you know what I mean.

      I’m hoping the answer is #2, so I can go buy a pair. But not the actual #2, because that’s gross and I think that would constitute a fetish.

  8. Thanks for the Monday morning laughs. I have to admit you got further than I did, tried once and couldn’t even get the thing on. Now I’m glad I didn’t.

    • Karen,

      I’m not kidding when I say they took several minutes of legitimate combat to get those suckers over my thighs! Sure, I could eat less cookies, but why? Why, Karen?

      Don’t bother with these things? They’re the devil and I’m not completely convinced the don’t have hidden cameras in the packaging so the inventors can sit back and laugh at our struggles in putting them on.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it!

  9. This is hilarious! I’ve had my occasions to wear Spanx. Did you know that you don’t have to take them off to go pee? Check out the fabric down there…

    • Oh April, you sweet, sweet girl! You obviously don’t know me well enough through my antics on this blog to know that I would completely screw up that pee hole.

      Correction. I HAVE completely screwed that up. Come to think of it, that’s a blog post I need to write. I must have aim of a 5 year old boy, because all I ever did when I tried to pee with those on is effectively pee all over my Spanx.

      Or, as my husband always says when he discovers these stories about me “Of course you did. Of course you did.”

      I admire your aim!

  10. Thanks for expanding my horizons on spandex. This was Seriously funny.

    • Sue, that’s an excellent title for a blog post! “Expanding my horizons on Spandex, so you don’t have to.”

      That’s pure gold.

      Thanks for reading and for commenting. Those Spanx are pure torture and were obviously created by a man. Steer clear!

  11. Freakin hilarious! And I agree, girls smaller than a size 6 can suck it! Great description of the packaging too, I mean, wtf do they think we are blind as well as chunky? Maybe the designers wear spanx and they have so much pressure built up behind their eyeballs from the elevation of their flubber that they see something totally different??

    • Do you think they figure “ah, these girls are fat, so what do they care if the packaging has chicks with no nipples on them? These fatties won’t see anything if it isn’t in a Hostess wrapper.”

      I think that might be a direct quote from their packaging design meeting. Why not just draw a picture of an enormous pig with a big rubber band around his waist? It’s the same thing.

      And you’re right about the pressure behind the eyeballs! I swear that’s what it feels like! How do people wear these?

      And they shouldn’t even be made for people that are a size 6. That’s just offensive.

  12. praise the lord for giving man the spark to invent this kinda linen.
    Usually wear it off with pride when dining out…lol

    Funny post, Lisa 🙂

    • You hit it dead on Ruchira when you said “for giving MAN the spark to invent this kinda linen.” It was clearly a man who invented this torture chamber. You know a guy would never wear something so constricting. That’s why their underwear are actually just shorts!

      We need to come up with a painful trend for men to wear so they can feel our pain. I don’t see why we have to look at their fat guts and they don’t have to look at ours. We should start a male Spanx revolution!

  13. Thank you- I am a whining mess today from the weather and this was my first good laugh of the day. I am tweeting this link for all the other people who are whiny today and I hope you are fine with that. 🙂

    • Aw, thanks Jean for the tweet out! (Is that a phrase? I went with a cross between tweet and shout out. I just think it’s funny to say “thanks for the tweet.” See? It makes me laugh.)

      Either way, thanks for the blog love. I appreciate it and I’m glad my crushed rib cage could brighten your day. Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing! 🙂

  14. Anonymous on March 19, 2013 at 12:28 pm said:

    I’m not sure how I stumbled onto your blog..but you are flipping hilarious! I giggled through this whole post…because I too had a spanx (from hell) experience. I was in my cousin’s wedding..and you better believe that thing got ripped off during the reception. It was the greatest feeling.
    After having a baby I pull them out every once and a while..but I haven’t made it out of the house with them on (I’ve traumatized my hubby when he watched me try and get them on)…I’d rather look chubby and enjoy a cupcake (or three)
    Keep up the posts…:)

    • Yay! However, you stumbled upon my blog, I’m glad you’re here and that you stayed and commented. I know it sounds strange but the random posts are always the best because I know it’s not my mom with 5 different avatars trying to make me feel good about a blog post. (My mom doesn’t know what an avatar is, so we’re good.)

      And I also traumatize my husband when he sees me in them! They really are creepy looking. I look like a summer sausage, and the nude color doesn’t help. It makes it worse. That is really one of those “You don’t want to know how the sausage is made” kind of moments.

      And I don’t. I don’t want to know how the sausage is made.

      Good for you for embracing life (and the cupcake). You’re my kind of gal, except that I don’t usually say gal.

  15. I must agree, that packaging for spanx is completely ridiculous.
    I have tried spanx once, and they didn’t make it out of the bedroom. They didn’t make me look anywhere near good enough to go through that torture.
    If you’ve never seen it, you must look for the interview that Melissa Macarthy did on Ellen about her first time wearing Spanx. You will feel better about your experiences.

    • I will definitely have to look up this interview. I love Melissa McCarthy and I love Ellen, yet for as much as I love them, that’s how much I hate Spanx. It sounds like that interview is right up my alley.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  16. Crying with laughter!! Seriously, this is hilarious! And thanks to in the coop I am totally off to google Melissa McCarthy’s interview! 🙂

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed it, although I apologize if you were wearing mascara and the crying made it run. Embrace the Alice Cooper look, and whatever you do, steer clear of Spanx!

  17. I have a pair of Spanx I reserve for two pair of pants, because my husband says my panty lines are showing, and for some reason he seems to think it’s not sexy! I laughed out loud… I know the dance you had to do to get in them. And breathing is so NOT an option!

    I followed you here from SITS linky.

    • PANTS?! You wear them with pants? DO. NOT. COMPUTE. I say you forego the Spanx and just go commando in the pants. Or, tell your husband to suck it, which is what I do most of the time when he tells me something I don’t want to hear like “Turn down the TV” or “You have to wear a bra when you go to the store.”

      I’m goad you found me on SITS! I’m trying to go through those links but there are a ton! I love the supports of the SITS girls though. Thanks for the love.

      Now go burn your underwear and embrace freedom.

  18. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I bought a pair of Spanx once too when they first came out. I fell for the advertisements that made them sound like the best thing since sliced bread. Putting them on was pretty much exactly like you describe…a battle…and I didn’t notice a different at all. I wore them under a tight dress and went to a party. Halfway through the party the top part kept rolling down and the thigh legs rolling up. I kept fighting this thing all night and my friends kept asking what are you wearing. So, finally I just went to the bathroom, took them off and tossed them in the garbage. I came out and no one but me noticed the difference.

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, although I’m sorry you were familiar enough with the topic to relate to my plight. Aren’t they the worst things ever? If they want to give an accurate depiction, they should show the dance that has to be done to actual get those things on.

      Maybe they assume since we are large enough to need Spanx, we probably already have Crisco available to help us put these on.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  19. This post had me cracking up…I can totally relate!

  20. I bought the ones that ride up to the bra by accident (need to start wearing my glasses!), I prefer the one the goes to the waist. They were the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever worn. I ripped them off in ten seconds. I think I’m going to solve the problem and just buy dresses a size larger.
    Carpool Goddess just rambled about…College Moms Share Their Stories – Part 1: The Good, The Bad, And The LaundryMy Profile

    • i would rather buy a dress 2 sizes to big, or even 2 sizes too small. Either one would be more comfortable than wearing Spanx!

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂

  21. lmao! the propeller effect-let the fat rolls fly!
    I have a quick 2cents on the models used for such devices!
    Love it! Thanks for the chuckle!
    LM @motherchuckler just rambled about…blogosphere bounceMy Profile

  22. I despise Spanx. The idea is fantastic, but the product is a nightmare! I foolishly decided to wear a pair to school on Monday. I made it to period 8, had the worst hot flash and left my class in the middle of my lesson to rip them off in the restroom. Never again!
    Monica just rambled about…She Looks Like Me!My Profile

    • It sounds like your experience was just like mine! I want to look thinner, but not at the risk of not being able to breathe or starting a fire in my crotch.

  23. SO FUNNY! Thanks for commenting on my blog, I’m very pleased to have found you 🙂
    BTW – you can buy crotchless Spanx, which eliminates the getting them on & off issue… Too much information?!
    Gude @HodgePodgeCraft just rambled about…BRB (I’m taking a few days off)…My Profile

  24. This was the most laughing I have done in ages! My thoughts exactly! I feel spanx are basically false advertising. Somewhat similar to wearing ‘falsies’ (fake boobs). Lol. But honestly I do wear them at times, and yes I am miserable in them! I remember once going to an interview for a sales director position and not only being uncomfortable – like I was ready to erupt fat over the sides if I moved in my chair suddenly, but getting soooo darn hot in them. I actually started sweating bullets, and attribute my uncomfortableness to losing the job. The pants spanx are so tight that fat rolls over the top. The slip one is OK, but scrunched up from bottom so you need to keep pulling it down. And yes, if you are in a romantic situation, hopefully lights are off when you pull those suckers off. Trust me, I have been there 🙂

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! I’m sad to say how true it is, but glad to know I’m not alone in my Spanx struggles. Those things ARE super hot. They need a fricking ventilation system. I’m also not a fan of how they cut off your leg fat so it looks like you have a huge lump on your thighs when it’s really just where your Spanx stopped. Who came up with these things?!

  25. Pingback: Spanx, But No Spanx. - What The Flicka?

  26. WowSpanxHorror on July 6, 2015 at 4:30 pm said:

    Spanx can be terrible. I have a spanx that is one size smaller than me. Meaning it doesn’t hold in the flabbiness of me. However it is great for hiding a pad under clothes. Let’s be real, it feels like someone shoved a large print bible in your pants.

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