I need an entourageAs someone who has a gold card at Starbucks, I’m a pretty big deal and need to be treated accordingly.  I want a group of bad-ass people who are awesome, yet still allow my star to shine the brightest.  (And by star, I mean wit, and by wit, I mean humor, and by humor I mean I have to be the funniest.)

Hey, at least I can admit it.I’ve decided that since I’m a super famous blogger, with over 17 people “liking” my page, it’s time to get serious about having an entourage of people around me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want just any entourage.  I’m better than that.  I’m an overachiever.  Didn’t you read where I had over 17 likes?  WINNING!

Here’s a list of people I think I need for my entourage.  I will be accepting applications for each of the positions, but you will need to submit resumes and every applicant will be forced to submit to a drug test.

Whether I hire based upon a positive or negative drug test, or a combination of both, will remain a mystery, much like how Kathy Lee & Hoda is still on television. (Really, NBC?  Really?)

Here’s a rundown of the available positions:
NOTE:  YOU CAN ONLY HOLD ONE POSITION.  DON’T BE A HERO.  

1.  The fat friend

It sounds bad, but I need a fat friend (other than myself).  Does this make me a horrible person?  Of course, but don’t I get points for openly admitting I need a fat friend?  I should.  The obvious reason for the fat friend is the simple fact that I don’t want to be the fattest one in the entourage.  Duh.  Vinnie Chase had Turtle, which was part of why Vinnie was so successful.

However, Turtle ended up slimming down in later seasons, which is not cool.  Therefore, I will have a strict “no slim down rule” attached to the entourage contract that will require the fat friend (or FF) to remain at least 15% heavier than me.  A special thanks to HBO’s Entourage for teaching us yet another life lesson.

Sorry.  Them’s da breaks.

2.  The annoying girl

This girl is annoying me in this photo.

Everyone needs an annoying girl in the group, not so much because she’s likable, but because she’s a common thread that bonds people together.  If everyone (even Alicia) can agree that Alicia is one annoying S.O.B. then it’s a common ground we can all work from to grow our friendship.

There’s nothing like an unintentional eye roll done in unison when Annoying Girl starts talking in her high pitched voice about how she couldn’t figure out her DVR recordings.  We need her, and she needs us, because she wouldn’t have friends otherwise.

She’s similar to the morale booster.

3. The morale booster

This is the person who always makes me feel better about myself.  Granted, the fat friend and the annoying girl definitely help, but the morale booster keeps tabs on all of this.  This job is an important one because it requires constantly taking the temperature of the group to determine its mood.  (To be clear, temperatures will be taken anally.  No beating around the bush…the actual bush.  Trim your bush if you’re in this entourage.)

4.  The friend with the funny nickname

Every good entourage has a friend with a funny name.  From Boner on Growing Pains to DJ Jazzy Jeff on Fresh Prince to the beloved Turtle on Entourage, every good posse needs a friend with a nickname.  I would prefer the nickname to be uncomfortable for everyone, like Thunder Crotch, but I’m open to ideas.  Honestly though, I’m really leaning towards Thunder Crotch.

See how they’re all connected?  They’re connected by arms
and by their creepy white shirts.  I need better connections
than this.  Come to think of it, I suspect this photo is
of people in a cult just before the suicides.  

5.  The friend with connections

I’m not a connected gal, at least not for things that matter.  Sure, I can get you in for free to see a screening of a new movie before it comes out, but you will have to go with my husband, the movie critic.  Although he’s cute, he gets handsy, especially during cartoons, which is just creepy.  Other than that, I don’t bring much to the table.

Sure, I know a good plumber and I could refer you to a lawyer, but those are two professions that deal with shit, and how often do you need that?  Not often.  How often do you need to score a free bottle of Grey Goose or a 25 pound bag of dog food?  Every-fricking-day.

**NOTE:  You must indicate your connections on the application.  Don’t expect to wing it and gain connections after you get the job.  I too know the manager at Baskin Robbins. We bonded over banana splits years back.  She was in my wedding.  Don’t come with weak sauce.  This is a serious position.

6.  The guilty guy

In a given day, a million things go wrong.  I spill my milk, I fart too loudly, or I insult someone’s grandmother.  It happens, but I can’t be held responsible for these atrocities.  I’m far too important for that.  So I need someone to take the blame every time I do something stupid, which is approximately every 6.82 minutes.  (I have the data to support this.)

The guilty guy doesn’t have to be an actual guy, but it needs to be someone who can convince people that he/she was really the person who ate two plates of ribs in 5 minutes, or that his/her belch stunk up the room. If it’s a chick, then bring it.  And no, it can’t be FF.  I’ve got other plans for him/her.

Aren’t you inspired by this graphic?
Me neither.  It’s lame, but something
that would be in a work presentation
with someone in the background
whispering “Synergy” repeatedly.

That’s all I have for positions for now, mostly because I want to see the caliber of resumes I receive.  I suspect they will be crap, as it’s what I’ve come to know and love about the quality I attract.  (Hello?  Did you see my college boyfriend?)  So I will start with these five positions and see how much you all let me down.  I’m confident you will.

See why I need a morale booster?

Don’t worry, I will post the application on this blog as well.  I know you check it daily because you can’t live without my updates, so check back.  I know you are all chomping at the bit to disappoint me, but I’m not posting the application just yet because I want you to seriously consider which position you want and why.  I also think I’m getting carpal tunnel from all this typing, so I’m stopping for the evening.

Somehow that will be your fault, Guilty Guy
.

28 Thoughts on “I need an entourage

  1. Let’s see, I could qualify for the fat friend or the guilty guy. Perhaps, you need to conserve your resources and simply make me the fat guilty guy! I’m the wrong gender for the annoying girl, but, it would be easy to be a morale booster for such a talented and unique individual such as yourself, that exudes only quality beyond comprehension! I await your decision! lol Great post!

    • Rich! I explicitly stated you can’t be 2 people! It’s far too much responsibility to take on, and I wouldn’t do that to you. Honestly, I think the fat friend is the best job. All you have to do is eat a whole bunch and that’s it. That’s your job. I want that job for someone else. I would gladly take it. I wonder if it has health insurance?

      And you’re so sweet to say I’m talented and unique! I’m thinking you are a shoe-in for the morale booster. You’ve already boosted morale without having to take anyone’s temperature!

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate some Bloppy love!

  2. Hmmmm… oh boy, don’t you need a funny chick? Oh wait, you’re the funny chick. Guess I’ll apply for the Thunder Crotch position. Tell me, is there an online application for this?

    • Please see my March 22, 2013 blog post for the application. It’s going to be a stiff competition for the Thunder Crotch position. It’s not an easy one to fill. Good luck!

  3. I’ll be a moral booster. =) You are SO AWESOME! AND FUNNY! You look like a million bucks! Congrats on 17 followers! But it says over the 37, so congrats you’re even more awesome than you thought. =)

    • Jacki,

      So far, based upon this comment, I’d say you’re in the lead for the morale booster. Please also remember that bribery works as well. 🙂

      Please see the March 22, 2013 blog post, where I post the application for my entourage. I think you have an edge for sure. The million bucks comment served you well. 🙂

  4. Do I get to pick the funny nickname or is it assigned?

    • Kerri,

      If you have a nickname funnier than Thunder Crotch, then you can totally pick it. I don’t know why, but that nickname is hysterical to me. I said it randomly the other day to my husband and I can’t stop saying it!

      So be creative. You aren’t pinned down to Thunder Crotch. Don’t let Thunder Crotch define you.

      Also, please check out my March 22, 2013 blog post, as it will have the application for the entourage.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂

  5. Totally gonna apply for Annoying Friend or Funny Nickname. Totally.

    • You should totally apply! I can assure you that based upon the witty name of your own blog, I think you have a great shot at the funny nickname position.

      I am posting the application on my March 22, 2013 blog post. You can either post your answers in the comment section of that blog post or email them. I will pick some of my favorite answers on a subsequent post and give the authors a shout out to their blogs!

      Hopefully you will enjoy the application and feel free to be both sarcastic and creative. That’s what’s near and dear to my heart.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂

  6. I need an entourage like this! Especially the Fat Friend. I don’t want to be the biggest gal in the room but lately that seems to be happening more and more! I’d also need “The Drinking Buddy” in my entourage–someone who likes margaritas as much as I do —but I’d rather let them be one to do something publicly embarrassing from the tequila (rather than me) to fill up the gossip rags.

    • Um, Marcia,

      You are totally onto something with the Drinking Buddy friend! Why didn’t I think of this? Maybe I just assumed it was implied, but it shouldn’t be. I think I’m going to add that to the list!

      And you aren’t the biggest gal in the room…not by a long shot. And if you ever are, just call me and I will come over and take that burden off your shoulders.

      I’m posting the application for my entourage on my March 22, 2013 blog post. You can either post some or all of your answers in the comment section of that blog post, or you can email them to me. I will pick some of my favorite answers and feature them on a subsequent blog post, giving the authors of those answers a shout out and a link to their blog. I will also include a sentence or two about the authors and the blogs I’m linking to.

      So feel fry to suggest the Drinking Buddy position. Honestly, I’m disappointed that I didn’t think of it myself. What was I thinking?

  7. Gotta tell you, none of the positions are appealing to me. You sure you don’t need the Short Sarcastic Friend? If not, I don’t think Annoying Friend would be that much of a leap for me.

    • I could totally use a Short Sarcastic Friend! This list of needs is not at all exclusive and I’m open to other positions. The more people in my entourage, the better it makes me look, right? And isn’t that really what it’s all about? Making me look good?

      I’m posting the application for my entourage on my March 22, 2013 blog post. You can either post some or all of your answers in the comment section of that blog post, or you can email them to me. I will pick some of my favorite answers and feature them on a subsequent blog post, giving the authors of those answers a shout out and a link to their blog. I will also include a sentence or two about the authors and the blogs I’m linking to.

      I can’t wait to read the answers to the application. There are so many of you funny women out there and I can’t wait to see how you guys respond to my application!

      Thanks for reading and for commenting. 🙂

  8. haha…I loved this.

    Lisa, I could be your morale booster. Although, there are times I need one too. Maybe could work in shifts over each other 🙂

    • Ruchira,

      I wouldn’t expect anyone to be my morale booster 24/7. It’s a big job and should probably be performed by a whole separate entourage. However, I will allow job sharing with that position, as it’s only fair.

      I’m posting the application for my entourage on my March 22, 2013 blog post. You can either post some or all of your answers in the comment section of that blog post, or you can email them to me. I will pick some of my favorite answers and feature them on a subsequent blog post, giving the authors of those answers a shout out and a link to their blog. I will also include a sentence or two about the authors and the blogs I’m linking to.

      I must say you’re pretty much already my morale booster with your blog. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy your refreshing outlook on things and your daily mantras. I truly think we all need to take a moment or two and stop and focus on our lives and each other and on making the world a better place. Your blog really does that for me and I’m so grateful for that. I really should be commenting on your blog and telling you that instead of doing it here. But I really do enjoy your blog posts.

      Thanks for reading and for commenting! 🙂

  9. You are hysterical! I love this post. First thing in the morning with a cup of coffee, I almost had to do a Danny Thomas spit-take (you are SO young, so you’ll have to look him up!). Great post. Hmm. Which one should I sign up for?

    • Thanks Cathy! I’m so glad you enjoyed this post. I’ve been meaning to write it for several months and finally bit the bullet and sat down and did it. I actually really enjoyed writing this one, and I’m going to do something fun with with application, too.

      I’m posting the application for my entourage on my March 22, 2013 blog post. You can either post some or all of your answers in the comment section of that blog post, or you can email them to me. I will pick some of my favorite answers and feature them on a subsequent blog post, giving the authors of those answers a shout out and a link to their blog. I will also include a sentence or two about the authors and the blogs I’m linking to.

      I’m not sure who Danny Thomas is, but I know what you’re talking about when you say a spit-take, so I shall take that as a compliment!

      And feel free to add another position for the entourage if you think I need one. I’m sure I’m missing out on other people and the bigger the entourage, the more important I look, so I’m all about that. 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  10. I think you may have forgotten one…Everyone needs a hetero-life mate in their entourage…Which is what Lori and I joke about all the time. Our husbands, have just grown accustomed to it…Which amazingly enough, is how our misadventures usually start out. …This one time…

    • You’re totally right! I kind of already have one of those but if she’s not going to step it up, the position may be available!

      I just posted te application for my entourage, which includes a space to suggest other ideas for members. I think you’re on to something though!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  11. Okay, I am applying to be the friend with the funny nickname…My first name is Emily as you know. However, in college — someone, somewhere along the way decided to nickname me Flemily (or Phlegmily) and we shortened it to Flem, or Flembucket, or Flemball. See, it’s not only a funny nickname, but versatile too! So, do I get the job???

    • Flemily,

      Your entry has been noted, but I cannot comment onto who gets what jobs until all of the entries have been submitted. However, there is a certain appeal to knowing I could have a friend named Flembucket. The fact that it’s versatile is especially appealing.

      In the interim, I am mailing you a box of Kleenex to use to dispose of any additional phlem, as it’s flu season. I’m so caring. 🙂

      Lisa

  12. Slap a funny nickname on me and I’m all yours, lol!! Seriously hadn’t Thought of Boner from Growing Pains in years!! 🙂

    • Isn’t it ridiculous that Growing Pains was a “family show” but the best friend’s name was Boner? Um, yeah. I believe his last name was St’bone or something like that, but we all know the writers just wanted “boner” to be said on national television. I want that too. 🙂

  13. Too funny. Maybe one day I’ll get 17 likes and be famous and get my own entourage. *sigh* a girl can dream.

    • Alison,

      Stay focused! You too can achieve a total of 37 “likes” as well. (Yeah, I got 20 more, but whatever). Don’t be discouraged by my wild success and all the fame and glamour you see here on this page. It tooks hours of work and endless amounts of snacks.

      YOU CAN DO IT!

  14. I love you Lisa! I am already preparing my application to be a member of your entourage. Please do not come to a final decision until you receive my application. I know I qualify for multiple positions and that you already know me so that gives me a leg up, so to speak. I am not sure that you mentioned a deadline for the application. I have already reviewed it and have read some of the responses to the qualifications of members of your entourage. I would like to mention that spelling should count. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for this opportunity. Best wishes,Cathie

    • Cathie,

      I wouldn’t dream of coming to a decision until I received your application. That would be nonsense!

      I am laughing so hard about your comment “I would like to mention that spelling should count.” This is cracking me up and I can’t handle it, probably because I can hear your voice saying it!

      I shall anxiously await your application. (NOTE: Starting out your comment with “I love you Lisa!” is always a good choice. Well done.

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