As someone who has a gold card at Starbucks, I’m a pretty big deal and need to be treated accordingly. I want a group of bad-ass people who are awesome, yet still allow my star to shine the brightest. (And by star, I mean wit, and by wit, I mean humor, and by humor I mean I have to be the funniest.)
Hey, at least I can admit it.I’ve decided that since I’m a super famous blogger, with over 17 people “liking” my page, it’s time to get serious about having an entourage of people around me.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want just any entourage. I’m better than that. I’m an overachiever. Didn’t you read where I had over 17 likes? WINNING!
Here’s a list of people I think I need for my entourage. I will be accepting applications for each of the positions, but you will need to submit resumes and every applicant will be forced to submit to a drug test.
Whether I hire based upon a positive or negative drug test, or a combination of both, will remain a mystery, much like how Kathy Lee & Hoda is still on television. (Really, NBC? Really?)
Here’s a rundown of the available positions:
NOTE: YOU CAN ONLY HOLD ONE POSITION. DON’T BE A HERO.
1. The fat friend
It sounds bad, but I need a fat friend (other than myself). Does this make me a horrible person? Of course, but don’t I get points for openly admitting I need a fat friend? I should. The obvious reason for the fat friend is the simple fact that I don’t want to be the fattest one in the entourage. Duh. Vinnie Chase had Turtle, which was part of why Vinnie was so successful.
However, Turtle ended up slimming down in later seasons, which is not cool. Therefore, I will have a strict “no slim down rule” attached to the entourage contract that will require the fat friend (or FF) to remain at least 15% heavier than me. A special thanks to HBO’s Entourage for teaching us yet another life lesson.
Sorry. Them’s da breaks.
2. The annoying girl
|This girl is annoying me in this photo.|
Everyone needs an annoying girl in the group, not so much because she’s likable, but because she’s a common thread that bonds people together. If everyone (even Alicia) can agree that Alicia is one annoying S.O.B. then it’s a common ground we can all work from to grow our friendship.
There’s nothing like an unintentional eye roll done in unison when Annoying Girl starts talking in her high pitched voice about how she couldn’t figure out her DVR recordings. We need her, and she needs us, because she wouldn’t have friends otherwise.
She’s similar to the morale booster.
3. The morale booster
This is the person who always makes me feel better about myself. Granted, the fat friend and the annoying girl definitely help, but the morale booster keeps tabs on all of this. This job is an important one because it requires constantly taking the temperature of the group to determine its mood. (To be clear, temperatures will be taken anally. No beating around the bush…the actual bush. Trim your bush if you’re in this entourage.)
4. The friend with the funny nickname
Every good entourage has a friend with a funny name. From Boner on Growing Pains to DJ Jazzy Jeff on Fresh Prince to the beloved Turtle on Entourage, every good posse needs a friend with a nickname. I would prefer the nickname to be uncomfortable for everyone, like Thunder Crotch, but I’m open to ideas. Honestly though, I’m really leaning towards Thunder Crotch.
|See how they’re all connected? They’re connected by arms
and by their creepy white shirts. I need better connections
than this. Come to think of it, I suspect this photo is
of people in a cult just before the suicides.
5. The friend with connections
I’m not a connected gal, at least not for things that matter. Sure, I can get you in for free to see a screening of a new movie before it comes out, but you will have to go with my husband, the movie critic. Although he’s cute, he gets handsy, especially during cartoons, which is just creepy. Other than that, I don’t bring much to the table.
Sure, I know a good plumber and I could refer you to a lawyer, but those are two professions that deal with shit, and how often do you need that? Not often. How often do you need to score a free bottle of Grey Goose or a 25 pound bag of dog food? Every-fricking-day.
**NOTE: You must indicate your connections on the application. Don’t expect to wing it and gain connections after you get the job. I too know the manager at Baskin Robbins. We bonded over banana splits years back. She was in my wedding. Don’t come with weak sauce. This is a serious position.
6. The guilty guy
In a given day, a million things go wrong. I spill my milk, I fart too loudly, or I insult someone’s grandmother. It happens, but I can’t be held responsible for these atrocities. I’m far too important for that. So I need someone to take the blame every time I do something stupid, which is approximately every 6.82 minutes. (I have the data to support this.)
The guilty guy doesn’t have to be an actual guy, but it needs to be someone who can convince people that he/she was really the person who ate two plates of ribs in 5 minutes, or that his/her belch stunk up the room. If it’s a chick, then bring it. And no, it can’t be FF. I’ve got other plans for him/her.
|Aren’t you inspired by this graphic?
Me neither. It’s lame, but something
that would be in a work presentation
with someone in the background
whispering “Synergy” repeatedly.
That’s all I have for positions for now, mostly because I want to see the caliber of resumes I receive. I suspect they will be crap, as it’s what I’ve come to know and love about the quality I attract. (Hello? Did you see my college boyfriend?) So I will start with these five positions and see how much you all let me down. I’m confident you will.
See why I need a morale booster?
Don’t worry, I will post the application on this blog as well. I know you check it daily because you can’t live without my updates, so check back. I know you are all chomping at the bit to disappoint me, but I’m not posting the application just yet because I want you to seriously consider which position you want and why. I also think I’m getting carpal tunnel from all this typing, so I’m stopping for the evening.
Somehow that will be your fault, Guilty Guy