I’ve given you guys a few days to think about which member of my entourage you’d like to be. I hope you’ve taken this seriously and truly thought about each position, as this is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. It’s up there with other significant choices such as: Democrat or Republican?
Loaded mashed potatoes or french fries? Plate or platter? (Yes, that was a random and obscure Arrested Development reference. You’re welcome.)
So without further ado, here is the application that must be completed if you want to be in my entourage. Please note this is but only one step in the process; there are several more. Subsequent steps will be revealed at a later time, but *may* require such activities as (1) successfully impregnating a horse, (2) retrieving honey from a bee hive, and (3) watching a full episode of Glee without either rolling your eyes or poking them out with a dull object. (Who said the process would be easy?)
APPLICATION TO BE IN LISA NEWLIN’S ENTOURAGE
*Please include which position you are applying for with the application.
**Smart-ass answers are both expected and encouraged.
1. Rank each Golden Girl in order of greatness with #1 being the best, and #4 being the worst. (There is a correct answer).
2. “Supposubly.” What feeling does this word evoke?
3. Will you accept payment in any of the following? Check all that apply.
Reese’s Pieces Friendship bracelets
VHS tapes McDonald’s coupons
Hugs Dog kisses
4. Have you ever watched an episode of Hannah Montana without a child present? Be honest.
5. What are your feelings on whether Palestine should be recognized as a sovereign state?
6. Do you own a pair of Crocs? If so, please provide an explanation for your behavior and why you shouldn’t be castrated immediately.
7. Please fill in the blank of what goes in the space between. (Although I love Dave Matthews, this isn’t the answer I’m looking for here.) ______________________
8. If the situation arose, would you literally cut the mustard?
9. What didn’t Bo Jackson know?
10. Andy Richter. Love him or hate him? Show your work to support your answer.
11. Tang or Fanta? (Do you want to disagree with NASA?)
12. Draw your happy place here. (Please put drawing on separate page if needed)
13. Are you a complete asshole when playing board games?
14. Glitter or sequins? Which one is more classy and why? (NOTE: “Because your mom looks good in them” will NOT be accepted as a valid answer.)
15. If you opened a package of Oreos and one of them had a bug in it, what would you do?
a. Continue eating the Oreos.
b. Throw out only the Oreo containing the bug, & those Oreos immediately around it.
c. Brush off the bug and eat the contaminated Oreo.
d. Throw away the entire package.
16. If a mermaid and a unicorn got into a fight, who would win? Support your position with reasoning and drawings if needed.
17. Who was the better mentor on Facts of Life? Mrs. Garrett or Beverly Ann?
18. If you had to choose between licking the bottom of your dirty shoe after walking around all day in NYC, or explaining the Austrian Theory of Economics to Paris Hilton (until she understood it), which would you do?
19. What are the three biggest factors to determine if someone is a douche bag.
20. Is this the cutest dog ever?
21. If you could kick any celebrity in the crotch, who would it be? (Aside from the obvious answer, Keanu Reeves)
22. Do you have a flip phone? If so, do you use it ironically?
23. Can you operate a Segway without assistance?
24. When was the last time you shit the bed? BE HONEST.
25. Describe all relevant factors that would affect how many licks it takes to get to the center of a a Tootsie Pop.
26. Finish this drawing.
27. Have you ever been a Nielsen rating home?
28. Is there anyone with a better job than Chris Harrison? If so, who is it? As part of my entourage, will you try to get me said job?
29. If there was a poster boy for chronic masturbation who would it be?
30. Did you sit at the cool kids table?
31. If someone gave you a free pair of LA Gear high top tennis shoes, would you wear them in public for a week?
32. If I had a mascot, would you be willing to feed and care for it?
33. Finish this equation:
___________________ + candle wax = ___________________
34. Have you ever owned or used a wind sock?
35. Who was your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and why?
36. Is Beaverton, Oregon a real city?
37. Is there another position in my entourage you think should be offered? If so, what is it? This doesn’t necessarily have to be a position you would want.
|I think I need someone like this
in my entourage. Maybe I need a
Mustache Guy, or a “Guy that
looks like he could be a sex offender”
38. Do you believe you would be the perfect candidate for a position that isn’t listed? Tell me what position should be created and why you should get it.
39. Tell me something about yourself that you think I should know. (This is a great place for embarrassing tidbits or stories.)
40. OPTIONAL: Please write a statement about why you deserve to be a part of my entourage. This can be as long or as brief as you’d like, but it better be funny or I will punch you in the jeans.
I’ll anxiously await your submissions. Feel free to post answers to some (or all) of your favorite questions in the comments section of this post. You can also submit your application via email.
I will display my favorite answers in a subsequent blog post, and give you credit for your ingenuity with either a link to your blog, a photo of you, my own personal drawing of your likeness, or any other way you and your hilarity would prefer to be honored. You can choose! (And then I’ll decide if I like your decision and whether to do it.)
Now get to answering!
Please don’t let me down. Do you really want to disappoint me?