The funniest friendship application everI’ve given you guys a few days to think about which member of my entourage you’d like to be.  I hope you’ve taken this seriously and truly thought about each position, as this is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.  It’s up there with other significant choices such as: Democrat or Republican?

Loaded mashed potatoes or french fries? Plate or platter? (Yes, that was a random and obscure Arrested Development reference.  You’re welcome.)

So without further ado, here is the application that must be completed if you want to be in my entourage.  Please note this is but only one step in the process; there are several more.  Subsequent steps will be revealed at a later time, but *may* require such activities as (1) successfully impregnating a horse, (2) retrieving honey from a bee hive, and (3) watching a full episode of Glee without either rolling your eyes or poking them out with a dull object.  (Who said the process would be easy?)

APPLICATION TO BE IN LISA NEWLIN’S ENTOURAGE

*Please include which position you are applying for with the application.
**Smart-ass answers are both expected and encouraged.
1.  Rank each Golden Girl in order of greatness with #1 being the best, and #4 being the worst.  (There is a correct answer). 


2. “Supposubly.”  What feeling does this word evoke?
 
3.  Will you accept payment in any of the following?  Check all that apply.
  Reese’s Pieces                       Friendship bracelets

  VHS tapes                             McDonald’s coupons

  Hugs                                          Dog kisses


4.  Have you ever watched an episode of Hannah Montana without a child present?  Be honest.

5.  What are your feelings on whether Palestine should be recognized as a sovereign state?
 
6.  Do you own a pair of Crocs?  If so, please provide an explanation for your behavior and why you shouldn’t be castrated immediately.
 
7.  Please fill in the blank of what goes in the space between.  (Although I love Dave Matthews, this isn’t the answer I’m looking for here.)   ______________________  
 
8.  If the situation arose, would you literally cut the mustard?
 
9.  What didn’t Bo Jackson know? 
 
10.  Andy Richter.  Love him or hate him?  Show your work to support your answer.
11.  Tang or Fanta?  (Do you want to disagree with NASA?)
 
12.  Draw your happy place here.  (Please put drawing on separate page if needed)
13.  Are you a complete asshole when playing board games?
 
14.   Glitter or sequins?  Which one is more classy and why?  (NOTE:  “Because your mom looks good in them” will NOT be accepted as a valid answer.)
 
15.  If you opened a package of Oreos and one of them had a bug in it, what would you do?
         a.   Continue eating the Oreos. 
         b.  Throw out only the Oreo containing the bug, & those      Oreos immediately around it.
         c.  Brush off the bug and eat the contaminated Oreo.
         d.  Throw away the entire package.
 
16.   If a mermaid and a unicorn got into a fight, who would win?  Support your position with reasoning and drawings if needed. 
 
17.  Who was the better mentor on Facts of Life?  Mrs. Garrett or Beverly Ann?  
    

18.  If you had to choose between licking the bottom of your dirty shoe after walking around all day in NYC, or explaining the Austrian Theory of Economics to Paris Hilton (until she understood it), which would you do?
 
19.  What are the three biggest factors to determine if someone is a douche bag. 

___________________

___________________
___________________

20.  Is this the cutest dog ever?
 
 
21.  If you could kick any celebrity in the crotch, who would it be?  (Aside from the obvious answer, Keanu Reeves)
 
22.  Do you have a flip phone?  If so, do you use it ironically?
 
23.   Can you operate a Segway without assistance?

24.  When was the last time you shit the bed?  BE HONEST.
 
25.  Describe all relevant factors that would affect how many licks it takes to get to the center of a a Tootsie Pop.
 
26.   Finish this drawing. 
 
 
 
27.  Have you ever been a Nielsen rating home?
 
28.  Is there anyone with a better job than Chris Harrison?  If so, who is it?  As part of my entourage, will you try to get me said job?

29.  If there was a poster boy for chronic masturbation who would it be?
 
30.  Did you sit at the cool kids table?
 
31.  If someone gave you a free pair of LA Gear high top tennis shoes, would you wear them in public for a week?
 
32.  If I had a mascot, would you be willing to feed and care for it?
 
33.  Finish this equation:
___________________ +  candle wax     = ___________________
 
34.  Have you ever owned or used a wind sock?


35.  Who was your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and why?
 
36.  Is Beaverton, Oregon a real city?

37.  Is there another position in my entourage you think should be offered?  If so, what is it?  This doesn’t necessarily have to be a position you would want.

cowboy hats,cowboys,hats,jobs,men,mustaches,nature,occupations,outdoors,people at work,persons,photographs
I think I need someone like this
in my entourage.  Maybe I need a
Mustache Guy, or a “Guy that
looks like he could be a sex offender”

38.  Do you believe you would be the perfect candidate for a position that isn’t listed?  Tell me what position should be created and why you should get it.

communicate,expressions,fotolia,friends,gossip,shocked,teenagers,whispers,revealing secrets


39.  Tell me something about yourself that you think I should know.  (This is a great place for embarrassing tidbits or stories.) 

40.  OPTIONAL:  Please write a statement about why you deserve to be a part of my entourage.  This can be as long or as brief as you’d like, but it better be funny or I will punch you in the jeans.

I’ll anxiously await your submissions.  Feel free to post answers to some (or all) of your favorite questions in the comments section of this post.  You can also submit your application via email.

I will display my favorite answers in a subsequent blog post, and give you credit for your ingenuity with either a link to your blog, a photo of you, my own personal drawing of your likeness, or any other way you and your hilarity would prefer to be honored. You can choose!  (And then I’ll decide if I like your decision and whether to do it.)

Now get to answering!

Please don’t let me down.  Do you really want to disappoint me?

17 Thoughts on “Application for my entourage

  1. Ereel on March 22, 2013 at 8:09 am said:

    I would like to apply for the position of your “lazy friend”. Long story short….. 40 questions is about 39 questions too many for me to fill out.

    • Um, Erin, you can fill out as many questions as you would like, and your response and request is noted. Your dedication to the cause of “lazy friend” is also noted, and it’s inspiring.

  2. I agree with Ereel.

  3. Wow, this is a rigorous set of questions for someone with ADD. Geesh. Holy, crap. I so was actually going to try and be productive this afternoon, oh so much for real work.

    • Based upon your application, I would HATE to see what kind of fabulousness you would pull off if you didn’t have ADD! Hi-larious.

      I’m glad you chose my application over productivity at work. You’ve got your priorities lined up correctly, and I both respect, and appreciate your dedication to what’s really important: my entourage.

  4. This is so frickin’ hilarious. The questions just kept getting better and better, but to be honest, I really couldn’t fully concentrate after the first one, because I could not fathom how I could possibly rank the Golden Girls. I felt like I was cheating on someone.

    • You’re not saying you DON’T like one or more of the Golden Girls, you’re saying you love all of them, but you just prefer to see one more than others. It’s a positive thing. Don’t worry. I would never allow anything negative about the Golden Girls to be portrayed on my blog.

      And you should totally fill out the application. It’s kind of fun to do and I’m going to post them on my site in a separate blog post with links to blogs. Just do it. You know you want to.

  5. Sorry, not gonna be in your entourage, but I have some positions open for my entourage. It’s obvious you have energy. What do you think? If you don’t know the answer to the universe and everything–don’t bother. BTW, it’s 42.

    • You should still consider being in my entourage! There are other positions available, and even ones you could make up. Perhaps you could be my spiritual adviser. Since you know the answer to the universe, perhaps you could teach me how to use Tumblr.

  6. As a card carrying member of the Keanu Reeves fan club and a chronic flip phone user, I protest this application. And I refuse to follow anyone that hasn’t turned off their Captcha! 😀

    • My captcha is turned off?! How did that happen? I shall blame Julie for that. I’m sure she didn’t have anything to do with it, but since she’s revamping things and knows my passwords, she’s an easy scape goat.

      And I’m disappointed in your use of a flip phone.

  7. I’m more than happy to be your moral boosting, feel good male friend – the one who tries to sneakily look approvingly at your ass, even when you’re feeling fat.

    But not if I have to fill out a form – even though I have used a wind sock!

  8. by the way – the captcha when I entered that last comment was “308 usedCum” !!

    And I ain’t even lying!

  9. I may be required to re-blog this complete with my answers, link to your blog and let the hilarity ensue.

    I will be applying for either the Funny Friend or the Awkward Friend. Depending on the day.

    PS: Your blog is one of the funniest blogs I have read and I have been stalking your past posts for the better part of the morning and laughing instead of putting together very important legal documents.

  10. 1) This is hilarious

    2) Ain’t nobody got time to answer all those questions, but I’m glad I had time to read them because they were funny as shit.

    3) Yes that dog is the cutest.

    4) Raphael, because he said “DAMNNNNNNNN!!!” in the first TMNT movie and I thought that was super hot and rebellious. This probably explains my “slutty phase” in college.
    Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense just rambled about…Profanity 101: How a sweet Catholic girl convinced her little friend that a barn was called an assholeMy Profile

    • I wrote this application suspecting no one would fill it out. A few people did and I have to tell you their answers were funnier than anything I could write. One of the people who did the “finish this drawing” made me cry I laughed so hard!

      The answer about the dog was one of the most important so I’m glad you passed.

      I also though Raphael was awesome because he said the word damn, but part of the little Lutheran schoolgirl in me felt bad that he was cussing. But then I remembered I was at a theater with popcorn so I stopped caring and got more butter.

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