How to maximize girl scout cookiesIt’s the most wonderful time of the year! That’s right. I’m talking about Girl Scout Cookie season! Isn’t that what Andy Williams was singing about in his beloved tune? If so, that song just became a whole lot more meaningful.

I realize most people refer to this time of year as “Girl Scout Cookie time” but it’s better than that. It’s bigger than that. It’s a whole season of goodness and should be celebrated as such. Don’t worry. I’m starting this trend and it will totally take off, with your help, of course.

somoa1Let’s start by referring to it as “GSC season,” not so much because I like acronyms, but because I don’t want to keep typing out those three words. You don’t want to give me carpal tunnel, do you? Great, GSC season it is!

The beginning of GSC season begins with anticipation and salivation. That’s how most people gear up for it, but I like to be prepared. I’m a dedicated GSC season supporter, so I start before others do.

Much like football players, I engage in a rigorous pre-season preparation, although mine doesn’t involve physical activity of any kind. That would not make for an enjoyable time and would defeat the happiness of the GSC season. Rather, I begin pre-season by making a list of Girl Scouts I know.

You need to be prepared and I don’t want to go into the GSC season without a game plan (much like I don’t want to go into Target without a list…or a large credit limit).

The pre-season is crucial as it sets the tone for the next few months. Having a list of known Girl Scouts ensures access to the goods. You wouldn’t go on a road trip without your GPS, right? So why would you go into GSC season without a map of potential sellers and locations? You wouldn’t.

The benefit of the pre-season list is you can scope out which Scouts to hit up for cookies, and you can also determine if they are in the same troupe. Most of the time they aren’t, but if they are, you will need to be aware their orders will merge, and at some point they will see you were patronizing other Scouts.

stop for girl scouts

They will also most likely do the math and realize your order of 36 boxes for a single woman is a bit hefty. However, you’re a charitable person and you support the Girls Scouts and what they do, so you’re happy to order large quantities. You’re a giver that way. You also have a sweet tooth, but whatever.

After cross referencing your list of contacts and ensuring minimal scrutiny for your purchases, you must move on to the budgeting phase. I would recommend not writing this down, as you don’t want your husband or significant other to see just how much money you’re budgeting for cookies. Don’t get me wrong; they’re worth it, but seeing the numbers on paper makes it a little more depressing, and you don’t want to be depressed around the Girl Scouts. You can set a better example than that.

*Note: If you can’t do the math in your head (who can?), then you have my permission to jot down potential totals of various orders and plot out your budget. However, immediately after the budget is completed, the paper must be cleansed with truffle oil and thrown into the incinerator to destroy the evidence.

After you’ve secured your budget, you’re ready to proceed full-force into the GSC season. Since you already know your contacts for the goodies, (and you’ve synced your calendar with theirs to ensure availability for sales calls), you can begin the ordering process.

A few words of caution: STAY STRONG. Yes, the Thin Mints melt in your mouth, and yes, the Tagalogs are a burst of goodness with every bite, but you have to exercise restraint. You have several Girl Scouts to patronize, and you don’t want to buy your entire stash from one Scout. That wouldn’t best support the cause. (The cause is cookies, right?)

peanut butter cookieAfter the various orders are placed comes the worst part of the season: the waiting. It’s excruciating, especially since you’ve already been teased by the order form. However, focus on the prize, which is an entire shipment of Girl Scout Cookies. It’s worth the wait.

When the much awaited due date arrives, don’t get too anxious. Must like the due date for pregnant women, it’s a guideline but not a date set in stone (although it should be). It would be ideal for the due date and delivery date to be the same, but rarely does such a phenomenon occur. However, the day after the due date, if you still don’t have your orders, you have my permission to contact each seller and demand tender immediately.

Gently take the boxes from each Scout, using caution not to drop them. A shattered Girl Scout cookie is a travesty and completely avoidable if proper precautions are met. Once you are safely out of viewing of others, feel free to tear into the boxes of cookies, sampling one from each box to ensure quality control. You don’t want the Scouts putting out a bad product, and it’s up to
you to keep up the high standards of the Samoa.

Once you receive the coveted goodies, resist the temptation to tear into the boxes upon receipt. You’re classier than that, and you have to set a good example to the Scouts, who look to you for guidance. They also look to you for payment, so don’t forget your checkbook.

After you’ve gorged yourself and finished off a few boxes, sit back and use your chocolate-stained hand to give yourself a pat on the back. You did a good thing by participating in GSC season and helping charity. You also gave some young girls a chance at a better life, and isn’t that what GSC season is about? (It’s about Thin Mints too, but the point still stands.)

So enjoy this GSC season and do your best to spread the word about this delightful and delicious holiday. However, don’t be compelled to share the cookies. You’re not that charitable.

various cookiesvarious cookies

i love 80s***WARNING:  THERE ARE SEVERAL 80s REFERENCES IN THIS BLOG POST, SO BEWARE OF AN OVERLOAD OF AWESOME.***

Apparently, those in the technology world are saying that Google Reader is going away.  I’m not sure (1) what Google Reader is and (2) why it’s going away, but I know it’s happening.

Here’s what I think happened:  Google Reader is the spoiled teenager of Google Dad (yeah, Google is totally a dude with those manly blue, red and yellow colors).  Google Reader has never known what it’s like to work for anything in his life and he definitely isn’t a big reader…which is the ironic part.  I think Google Reader got in a fight with Google and Google Reader stormed out in a rage.

I can picture Google Reader one day being all “I want to drop out of school” and Google Dad being all “But how are you ever going to learn anything if you drop out?”

Then Google Reader would put the smack down and say “From you, alright!  I learned it by watching you!”

google boy

Google Reader knows this reference to the amazing PSA from the 80s because Google Reader used his dad to search for it…because Google Reader can use his dad to find anything.  (And yet…his dad may not be able to find Google Reader after his departure.  Hmmmm…..something to think about.)

Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly how it went down, but somehow, Google Reader is going away.  He’s put in his 2 weeks notice, only it’s not two weeks, I think it’s like 4 months.  Whatever.  Maybe in Google world, 2 weeks = 4 months and it’s like the metric system that no one understands.

I have no idea where Google Reader is going, but if he’s anything like the guys I knew in high school who “went away,” he is being shipped off to boot camp to be scared straight and get an addiction to chewing tobacco.  Godspeed, Google Reader!

With the impending departure of Google Reader, I’ve taken action, which was easy because I didn’t have to leave the couch, or put on pants.   What I did, was join BlogLovin’. (http://www.bloglovin.com/).

I have a profile there now, but it isn’t like match.com.  I couldn’t just make up random crap about myself in an effort to snag a free skirt steak sandwich and some over-the-sweater action.  Nope. I had to be honest because apparently it’s legit.

Here’s the link to my page. Click on the blinking Eiffel Tower.  DO IT.  You should “follow” me immediately.

 

Follow on Bloglovin
So now that I have a profile on BlogLovin’ you guys, my loyal readers, should follow it.

No, BlogLovin’ is not the same as Summer Lovin’, although with both, I did “have me a blast.”  At least with BlogLovin’ I’m not required to wear black leather pants.  That’s a bonus for everyone!

Fun fact:  Most of the time when I’m on BlogLovin’ I don’t wear pants at all.

BlogLovin’ is a way for you to have an account that keeps track of all of your favorite blogs and websites in one place. (Although we all know my blog is your favorite and the best one ever, so you don’t really need to read other blogs, but humor some of the other bloggers out there and throw them a bone.  If you need suggestions, I have plenty!

So basically, instead of having a million bookmarks of your favorite blogs and websites, you can just go to one place (BlogLovin’) and every blog you like will be right there waiting for you.  Just like Richard Marx and his feathered hair!

“Hey Girl, you know I’ll be
right here waiting for you.  In
the meantime, can you pick up some
AquaNet? I used the last of it.
You’re sexy!”—-Richard Marx
(actual quote from him)

That’s it.  That’s all I’ve got for today.  It’s not like you’re reading anyway.  It’s Monday night and you’re either drinking your work sorrows away, or you’ve gone to sleep in an effort to kick the hangover you’ve had all weekend.

Get some sleep and slam some water.  Then order pizza.  Then get on BlogLovin’ before I start blaring Korn cds to amplify your headache.

Isn't the resemblance uncanny?

Isn’t the resemblance uncanny?

As many of you know, I have the best and most wonderful niece in the entire world.  This is not up for debate and I will kick anyone in the balls/vagina who disagrees or tries to convince me otherwise.

To make the experience more painful for you (and pleasurable for me), I will wear pointy shoes when the kick

I’m not even a kid person, so the fact I realize she’s the most amazing thing to crawl and butt-scoot this earth speaks volumes as to how amazing she truly is.occurs.

Normally, when people show me pictures of their kids I’m all “She’s cute” or “He’s all boy!” but what I’m really thinking about is cheesecake and how I need to remember to pick up my birth control prescription.

Unfortunately for my niece, she’s going to have a complex.  I don’t want to admit it, but I also know there’s no way around it.  The groundwork for the complex has already been laid, and its foundation is building each day.  Much like how Honey Boo Boo is destined for low-grade fetish p0rn, my niece is destined for a life of being the center of attention.  Come to think of it, the constant attention is the only thing she and Honey Boo Boo will ever have in common.

Am I contributing to my niece’s complex?  Every.  Single.  Day.

First of all, I tell her how perfect she is all the time.  Why?  Because she is, and don’t they say you’re supposed to tell people how you feel?  It’s the same reason I profess my love to Ryan Gosling via the twitter account he never uses.  Some day it will pay off and I know the same is true of my niece, who I loving refer to as K-Bear.  (That’s not her real name.  I would remove her from the custody of her parents if they named her such a thing.)

K-Bear is also constantly being dressed up in elaborate outfits and costumes for every holiday imaginable.  Why?  Um, why not?  Would it be Thanksgiving without a 6-month-old dressed like a Pilgrim?  Of course not.  Why would you want it to be?  What do you do to celebrate freedom on that special day?  Our forefathers would beam with pride if they knew K-Bear took the celebration so seriously.  Even at a young age, she’s patriotic. (Que national anthem music and flag blowing in the breeze.)

I guarantee the Pilgrims didn’t wear
arm cuffs made out of a t-shirt from
The Dollar Tree.  But I bet they
wish they could have.

And what would Halloween be without the obligatory photo of her in a blinged out orange and white outfit sitting in a metal pumpkin?  It would be a holiday not worth celebrating, that’s what.

The contents of this pumpkin are worth saving,
but shouldn’t be baked in the oven.

She is also photographed and videoed constantly,which will probably contribute to her complex and her subsequent therapy bills where she discusses her fear of flashing lights. I’m sure K-Bear knows exactly how Kim Kardashian feels with the constant snapshots, only she’s far less annoying than Kim and knows the definition of desperation, so she’s already superior.

K-Bear is photographed so frequently I suspect her first words will be “No photos, please.”  It wouldn’t be an unreasonable request, but one that would be promptly ignored.

As if these reasons aren’t compelling enough for why she will have a complex (or three), the biggest reason, the coup de grâce of reasons?  She’s related to me.  Isn’t that enough to give anyone a complex? 

Voicemails to my hubandMy husband never listens to voicemail from me.  I find this strange because if I got a voicemail from me, I would listen to it immediately.

I might actually ignore the call from me just so I could receive a voicemail and save it…so I could hear my voice whenever I needed comfort; like whenever Taylor Swift comes out with a new album.  (We get it.  You were dumped and can’t ever find love.  It’s probably because you make a pouty face in photos and you’ve never been introduced to a straightening iron.)

Excuse me a moment while I leave myself a voicemail.

Okay, I’m back.  I left an inspirational voicemail to myself questioning why Luv’s doesn’t make tampons.  It seems like such a no-brainer and a great cross-marketing idea.

As you can see, my voicemails are brilliant, which is all the more reason my husband should listen to them.  So every now and then, I like to leave him voicemail with interesting (and hilarious) content, just to see if he listens.  Here are a few examples of my recent attempts:

  • “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”
  • “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”
  • “On a totally unrelated note, we need more pineapple.  And Neosporin.”
  • “I know you’ve been trying to get into that zumba class at the gym, and today they told me there was an opening for you.  I told them you didn’t look good in neon, and declined the invitation. You don’t look good in neon.”
  • “I spiked your lunch with a diuretic because you look a little bloated.  You’re welcome.”
  • “When you come home today, whatever you do, don’t look in the hall closet.  I rescued a feral cat today and he doesn’t like men, or the smell of cheap cologne.  You lose on both counts.”

I’ve never received a response.

If you’d like me to leave you inspirational voicemail like this, just let me know.  I won’t charge anything more than the long distance charge I get when I use my rotary phone from my land line.

The funniest friendship application everI’ve given you guys a few days to think about which member of my entourage you’d like to be.  I hope you’ve taken this seriously and truly thought about each position, as this is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.  It’s up there with other significant choices such as: Democrat or Republican?

Loaded mashed potatoes or french fries? Plate or platter? (Yes, that was a random and obscure Arrested Development reference.  You’re welcome.)

So without further ado, here is the application that must be completed if you want to be in my entourage.  Please note this is but only one step in the process; there are several more.  Subsequent steps will be revealed at a later time, but *may* require such activities as (1) successfully impregnating a horse, (2) retrieving honey from a bee hive, and (3) watching a full episode of Glee without either rolling your eyes or poking them out with a dull object.  (Who said the process would be easy?)

APPLICATION TO BE IN LISA NEWLIN’S ENTOURAGE

*Please include which position you are applying for with the application.
**Smart-ass answers are both expected and encouraged.
1.  Rank each Golden Girl in order of greatness with #1 being the best, and #4 being the worst.  (There is a correct answer). 


2. “Supposubly.”  What feeling does this word evoke?
 
3.  Will you accept payment in any of the following?  Check all that apply.
  Reese’s Pieces                       Friendship bracelets

  VHS tapes                             McDonald’s coupons

  Hugs                                          Dog kisses


4.  Have you ever watched an episode of Hannah Montana without a child present?  Be honest.

5.  What are your feelings on whether Palestine should be recognized as a sovereign state?
 
6.  Do you own a pair of Crocs?  If so, please provide an explanation for your behavior and why you shouldn’t be castrated immediately.
 
7.  Please fill in the blank of what goes in the space between.  (Although I love Dave Matthews, this isn’t the answer I’m looking for here.)   ______________________  
 
8.  If the situation arose, would you literally cut the mustard?
 
9.  What didn’t Bo Jackson know? 
 
10.  Andy Richter.  Love him or hate him?  Show your work to support your answer.
11.  Tang or Fanta?  (Do you want to disagree with NASA?)
 
12.  Draw your happy place here.  (Please put drawing on separate page if needed)
13.  Are you a complete asshole when playing board games?
 
14.   Glitter or sequins?  Which one is more classy and why?  (NOTE:  “Because your mom looks good in them” will NOT be accepted as a valid answer.)
 
15.  If you opened a package of Oreos and one of them had a bug in it, what would you do?
         a.   Continue eating the Oreos. 
         b.  Throw out only the Oreo containing the bug, & those      Oreos immediately around it.
         c.  Brush off the bug and eat the contaminated Oreo.
         d.  Throw away the entire package.
 
16.   If a mermaid and a unicorn got into a fight, who would win?  Support your position with reasoning and drawings if needed. 
 
17.  Who was the better mentor on Facts of Life?  Mrs. Garrett or Beverly Ann?  
    

18.  If you had to choose between licking the bottom of your dirty shoe after walking around all day in NYC, or explaining the Austrian Theory of Economics to Paris Hilton (until she understood it), which would you do?
 
19.  What are the three biggest factors to determine if someone is a douche bag. 

___________________

___________________
___________________

20.  Is this the cutest dog ever?
 
 
21.  If you could kick any celebrity in the crotch, who would it be?  (Aside from the obvious answer, Keanu Reeves)
 
22.  Do you have a flip phone?  If so, do you use it ironically?
 
23.   Can you operate a Segway without assistance?

24.  When was the last time you shit the bed?  BE HONEST.
 
25.  Describe all relevant factors that would affect how many licks it takes to get to the center of a a Tootsie Pop.
 
26.   Finish this drawing. 
 
 
 
27.  Have you ever been a Nielsen rating home?
 
28.  Is there anyone with a better job than Chris Harrison?  If so, who is it?  As part of my entourage, will you try to get me said job?

29.  If there was a poster boy for chronic masturbation who would it be?
 
30.  Did you sit at the cool kids table?
 
31.  If someone gave you a free pair of LA Gear high top tennis shoes, would you wear them in public for a week?
 
32.  If I had a mascot, would you be willing to feed and care for it?
 
33.  Finish this equation:
___________________ +  candle wax     = ___________________
 
34.  Have you ever owned or used a wind sock?


35.  Who was your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and why?
 
36.  Is Beaverton, Oregon a real city?

37.  Is there another position in my entourage you think should be offered?  If so, what is it?  This doesn’t necessarily have to be a position you would want.

cowboy hats,cowboys,hats,jobs,men,mustaches,nature,occupations,outdoors,people at work,persons,photographs
I think I need someone like this
in my entourage.  Maybe I need a
Mustache Guy, or a “Guy that
looks like he could be a sex offender”

38.  Do you believe you would be the perfect candidate for a position that isn’t listed?  Tell me what position should be created and why you should get it.

communicate,expressions,fotolia,friends,gossip,shocked,teenagers,whispers,revealing secrets


39.  Tell me something about yourself that you think I should know.  (This is a great place for embarrassing tidbits or stories.) 

40.  OPTIONAL:  Please write a statement about why you deserve to be a part of my entourage.  This can be as long or as brief as you’d like, but it better be funny or I will punch you in the jeans.

I’ll anxiously await your submissions.  Feel free to post answers to some (or all) of your favorite questions in the comments section of this post.  You can also submit your application via email.

I will display my favorite answers in a subsequent blog post, and give you credit for your ingenuity with either a link to your blog, a photo of you, my own personal drawing of your likeness, or any other way you and your hilarity would prefer to be honored. You can choose!  (And then I’ll decide if I like your decision and whether to do it.)

Now get to answering!

Please don’t let me down.  Do you really want to disappoint me?

I know I know…it looks a little bit bare and naked around here.

Be patient with me. This whole big WordPress website thing is going to take me a bit.

But get excited. It’s going to be super awesome.

I need an entourageAs someone who has a gold card at Starbucks, I’m a pretty big deal and need to be treated accordingly.  I want a group of bad-ass people who are awesome, yet still allow my star to shine the brightest.  (And by star, I mean wit, and by wit, I mean humor, and by humor I mean I have to be the funniest.)

Hey, at least I can admit it.I’ve decided that since I’m a super famous blogger, with over 17 people “liking” my page, it’s time to get serious about having an entourage of people around me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want just any entourage.  I’m better than that.  I’m an overachiever.  Didn’t you read where I had over 17 likes?  WINNING!

Here’s a list of people I think I need for my entourage.  I will be accepting applications for each of the positions, but you will need to submit resumes and every applicant will be forced to submit to a drug test.

Whether I hire based upon a positive or negative drug test, or a combination of both, will remain a mystery, much like how Kathy Lee & Hoda is still on television. (Really, NBC?  Really?)

Here’s a rundown of the available positions:
NOTE:  YOU CAN ONLY HOLD ONE POSITION.  DON’T BE A HERO.  

1.  The fat friend

It sounds bad, but I need a fat friend (other than myself).  Does this make me a horrible person?  Of course, but don’t I get points for openly admitting I need a fat friend?  I should.  The obvious reason for the fat friend is the simple fact that I don’t want to be the fattest one in the entourage.  Duh.  Vinnie Chase had Turtle, which was part of why Vinnie was so successful.

However, Turtle ended up slimming down in later seasons, which is not cool.  Therefore, I will have a strict “no slim down rule” attached to the entourage contract that will require the fat friend (or FF) to remain at least 15% heavier than me.  A special thanks to HBO’s Entourage for teaching us yet another life lesson.

Sorry.  Them’s da breaks.

2.  The annoying girl

This girl is annoying me in this photo.

Everyone needs an annoying girl in the group, not so much because she’s likable, but because she’s a common thread that bonds people together.  If everyone (even Alicia) can agree that Alicia is one annoying S.O.B. then it’s a common ground we can all work from to grow our friendship.

There’s nothing like an unintentional eye roll done in unison when Annoying Girl starts talking in her high pitched voice about how she couldn’t figure out her DVR recordings.  We need her, and she needs us, because she wouldn’t have friends otherwise.

She’s similar to the morale booster.

3. The morale booster

This is the person who always makes me feel better about myself.  Granted, the fat friend and the annoying girl definitely help, but the morale booster keeps tabs on all of this.  This job is an important one because it requires constantly taking the temperature of the group to determine its mood.  (To be clear, temperatures will be taken anally.  No beating around the bush…the actual bush.  Trim your bush if you’re in this entourage.)

4.  The friend with the funny nickname

Every good entourage has a friend with a funny name.  From Boner on Growing Pains to DJ Jazzy Jeff on Fresh Prince to the beloved Turtle on Entourage, every good posse needs a friend with a nickname.  I would prefer the nickname to be uncomfortable for everyone, like Thunder Crotch, but I’m open to ideas.  Honestly though, I’m really leaning towards Thunder Crotch.

See how they’re all connected?  They’re connected by arms
and by their creepy white shirts.  I need better connections
than this.  Come to think of it, I suspect this photo is
of people in a cult just before the suicides.  

5.  The friend with connections

I’m not a connected gal, at least not for things that matter.  Sure, I can get you in for free to see a screening of a new movie before it comes out, but you will have to go with my husband, the movie critic.  Although he’s cute, he gets handsy, especially during cartoons, which is just creepy.  Other than that, I don’t bring much to the table.

Sure, I know a good plumber and I could refer you to a lawyer, but those are two professions that deal with shit, and how often do you need that?  Not often.  How often do you need to score a free bottle of Grey Goose or a 25 pound bag of dog food?  Every-fricking-day.

**NOTE:  You must indicate your connections on the application.  Don’t expect to wing it and gain connections after you get the job.  I too know the manager at Baskin Robbins. We bonded over banana splits years back.  She was in my wedding.  Don’t come with weak sauce.  This is a serious position.

6.  The guilty guy

In a given day, a million things go wrong.  I spill my milk, I fart too loudly, or I insult someone’s grandmother.  It happens, but I can’t be held responsible for these atrocities.  I’m far too important for that.  So I need someone to take the blame every time I do something stupid, which is approximately every 6.82 minutes.  (I have the data to support this.)

The guilty guy doesn’t have to be an actual guy, but it needs to be someone who can convince people that he/she was really the person who ate two plates of ribs in 5 minutes, or that his/her belch stunk up the room. If it’s a chick, then bring it.  And no, it can’t be FF.  I’ve got other plans for him/her.

Aren’t you inspired by this graphic?
Me neither.  It’s lame, but something
that would be in a work presentation
with someone in the background
whispering “Synergy” repeatedly.

That’s all I have for positions for now, mostly because I want to see the caliber of resumes I receive.  I suspect they will be crap, as it’s what I’ve come to know and love about the quality I attract.  (Hello?  Did you see my college boyfriend?)  So I will start with these five positions and see how much you all let me down.  I’m confident you will.

See why I need a morale booster?

Don’t worry, I will post the application on this blog as well.  I know you check it daily because you can’t live without my updates, so check back.  I know you are all chomping at the bit to disappoint me, but I’m not posting the application just yet because I want you to seriously consider which position you want and why.  I also think I’m getting carpal tunnel from all this typing, so I’m stopping for the evening.

Somehow that will be your fault, Guilty Guy
.

To poke or not to pokeWhatever happened to poking on Facebook? Did people forget about it like they “forgot about Dre?”

Come to think of it, I guess Dr. Dre was totally forgotten because he did that Dr. Pepper commercial a few years back. So fortunately, Dr. Dre wasn’t forgotten, but only thanks to Eminem and the refreshingly smooth and refreshing Dr. Pepper.

Will poking be as lucky?

**NOTE:  For those of you not familiar with the Dr. Dre reference, he was a rapper from the 90s and he was awesome. I encourage you to download his music immediately, unless you’re not a fan of profanity and talking about hoes.  But if you aren’t a fan of those things, you wouldn’t be reading my blog.

photo credit: LarimdaME via photopin cc

photo credit: LarimdaME via photopin cc

Okay, back to poking.  I remember when poking was all the rage. (on Facebook! You guys are such pervs). I used to get poked several times a day by all kinds of people. Yeah, I was a huge pokee and was totally popular in all the different poking circuits.

From my high school math teacher to my friends’ kids to my coworkers, I was constantly getting poked by different people all hours of the day and night.

My Facebook page was poke central and I liked it. I called it P.C. for short.  And it was P.C.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a selfish poker. I returned the pokes in kind, like any respectable girl would do. But somewhere along the way, poking fell along the waste side along with slap bracelets and Clearly Canadian flavored water.

**SIDE NOTE: If anyone knows how those Canadian geniuses made such delicious tasting water, please enlighten me. Please also direct me to where I can purchase more of that goodness.  Casey at The General Store swears he can’t get anymore, but that’s what he said about BBQ Pringles and that was clearly a lie.  Not Clearly Canadian, but clearly a lie.

Yes, that was a bad pun, but I feel good about it.

So has poking gone Clearly Canadian? I hope not. I don’t think it’s quite there yet, as the poke button is still present on Facebook. For how long, however, is a different beast entirely.

I’m not sure I’m ready to say goodbye to the poke just yet. I feel like we haven’t had enough time together. Like we’ve only just begun to poke. Isn’t that what The Carpenters sang about in the 70s?

Maybe we should start a “Bring back the poke” campaign. Our mascot could be a giant finger and we could come up with clever slogans like

It’s no joke: bring back the poke!”

or

There’s no denyin’, the poke is a dyin.'”

photo credit: colorblindPICASO via photopin cc

photo credit: colorblindPICASO via photopin cc

That last one was a little morbid but sometimes scare tactics work. I mean, we all get out our checkbooks whenever we hear Sarah McLaughlin’s “In the arms of the angel.”  I know I do.  If you don’t, you’re just an asshole.

Okay, I realize if this campaign is going to go live, I will need a creative team to come up with better slogans than just changing the consonant in front of “oke” and calling people assholes to get them to bring poking back.

I could only hope Justin Timberlake would be on board with “Bringing Poking Back” as he was so successful in his quest to bring sexy back.  Let’s face it:  he succeeded.  He’s the kind of visionary we need on our team.

So are we going to do this?  Are we going to unite in our campaign of pokes?  Well let the campaigning begin!  Let there be no more hokey poke-ing about it.  We need to get to work!

I’ll get the markers and glitter, and you get the poster board and stencils.  We will meet at my parents house to begin making signs after school on Thursday.

Apparently we will be running this campaign like an 8th grade student council election, but since I won that election (I dominated it), I think I know how to run a successful campaign.

The secret is witty posters (and cleavage).

Get to work, people!  No more wasting time poking around in other people’s business. Here, “business” means Facebook pages and not people’s crotches, which is its usual meaning.

So I’ll see you in my parents’ basement for sign-making.  And don’t fricking forget the Clearly Canadian.  I’m sooooo not kidding about that.

Perfect.  Campaign. Merch.

SPANXFor any woman who is larger than a size 6, there is most likely an outfit or dress that doesn’t display her figure as flattering as she would like.

For any woman who is smaller than a size 6…you can suck it, and I’m pretty sure we aren’t friends.

Fortunately, for those of us in the former category, the geniuses at Spanx created a product that allows women to put on undergarments of wonder, and give the illusion they are thinner than they actually are.

Normally, I’m not a fan of Spanx for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I am a fan of breathing and prefer to do it on a regular basis.

However, every now and again, a situation comes along that calls for Spanx.

Recently I had such an occasion.  I presented at a seminar and wanted to wear a sassy dress to deter the attendees from what was most likely going to be extremely boring presentation.

Tragically, the sassy dress I wanted to wear didn’t flatter my stomach the way I would have liked.

You see, I have a bit of a food obsession, and my love of food extends to all things fried and anything made by Hostess.  Please also see my other posts about my love affair with Chipotle.

I knew if I didn’t want to gross out my audience with fat rolls made of beans and rice, I needed to purchase a new pair of Spanx.

I headed to Target to make the purchase.  Normally, I buy Spanx at Saks, but the uptight saleswomen there tend to judge me and my $10 purse from Charming Charlies. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with those women and their plastic faces.

Although most of them lack the ability to make any facial expressions because of their Botox injections, I can still feel them judging me with their eyes…that, and the fact I was once mistaken for the cleaning lady.

I was asked to only enter the store from the rear to avoid detection from the other patrons.  Now it’s the only entrance I use.

I went into Target, avoiding the strong urge to grab a pretzel and some nachos from the snack shop, and headed straight for the lingerie section where I saw several packages that looked like this:

Spanx

What the hell kind of marketing ploy was this?  Was Spanx serious? What amazing marketing mind brought this photo to the packaging designers and said “This drawing by my third grader of some naked chicks is really going to sell this product“?

I mean, I know me and my best black friend and Asian friend like to hang out wearing only Spanx and high heels, all the while throwing our hands in the air like we don’t care, smiling like idiots; but that’s only for the lucky people who answer our Craigslist “massage” ads.

What was this design?  Were these women wearing shirts or bras or were they just naked on top?  If so, where were their nipples?

What are the chances of three women being friends that don’t have nipples?  Maybe they met at a support group called Nipple-less ‘nonymous.  (I’m not aware of such a group, but I suspect at the meetings they drink out of bottles with huge nipples.)

Okay, back to the packaging.  You need to focus.

skinny woman in whiteWhat exactly was this drawing on the package supposed to suggest?  As much as I would have liked to analyze this further, I couldn’t as I was on a time crunch.

I hastily purchased the Spanx, along with a choice Hostess snack, and headed home to get ready.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I would spend the next 10 minutes engaged in a ferocious battle. I definitely didn’t realize who the battle would be with.

When I arrived home, I opened the package and pulled out the coveted product.  It looked like nude biker shorts for a very disproportionate person with tiny legs and a midsection the approximate length of a serpent.

I didn’t have time to waste so I immediately began putting them on…or trying to.

For those of you familiar with Spanx, you know that once the Spanx go on, they suck in your fat with such force that you feel like the top of your body is going to be propelled into space like a rocket ship. 

These undergarments are a launching pad for your midsection and believe it or not, that doesn’t make for a comfortable fit.I spent the next 10 minutes engaged in near deadly combat with nylon and lycra.  They were formidable opponents.

battleI literally fought the battle of the bulge as I grunted, cussed and tried to pull the material up.

After several f-bombs, I was ultimately successful in getting the Spanx into place, and breathed a sigh of relief…or tried to, but the constriction of my rib cage by this devil-product made that impossible.

Despite these new NASA qualifications, I was upset because I didn’t look nearly as good as the sketches on the package.

I had the biker-type shorts pulled up to my bra just as instructed.  I suspected it was my stance, so I tried out the rocking poses as advertised on the package.  However, I struggled to get my hands up over my head, so I decided to move on.

I put on my dress and surveyed the results.  Not too bad.  I really did look 10 pounds thinner, although my face aged 10 years from the battle.

I headed to work, but was incredibly uncomfortable the entire morning.  Normally, I drink a bottle of water and a caffeinated beverage of choice in the morning, but I didn’t drink either because I was petrified of going to the bathroom and removing the Spanx.

I knew I would never get them back on without a bite stick and a vat of Crisco.

little girl with arms upBy mid-afternoon I was so dehydrated I was beginning to get dizzy, which didn’t make for a good mood.  As I attempted to prepare for my presentation, I realized not one person commented that I looked thinner.

Was I really so big that the apparent loss of 10 pounds was just a drop in the bucket?

Was the restriction of my rib cage and the crushing of my thighs worth the misery I was experiencing?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t like what Spanx were doing to me.

True, I may have looked thinner (although if I did, no one noticed), but I didn’t like the way they adversely affected my mood.

So, just before going on for my presentation, I went to the bathroom and peeled the torture chamber off my body.

Words cannot describe the sweet relief I felt as my fat rolls dropped a foot and a half down to their normal location.  I felt like myself…fat rolls and all…and that was just fine with me.

I then celebrated my victory over the Spanx with a deep breath (my first one of the day), and a chocolate chip cookie…or two…

Not me, although this guy could use some Spanx.

Anyone who has ever read children’s books knows the premise of each story isn’t necessarily realistic.  A guy named Jack who finds some magic beans that grow into a stalk that goes high, high into the sky? Really? I have a feeling I know what Jack got into, and although it was something organic, it wasn’t beans. And Jack is stingy and needs a lesson in sharing.

Even if you don’t have kids, I’m sure there’s been sometime in your life that you’ve been forced to babysit someone’s pride and joy.  If not, you’re lucky, and misfortune will surely find you at some point.  For those of you who have withstood such babysitting torture, you know you were forced to spend endless amounts of time reciting nursery rhymes and fairy tales from musty books, all the while wishing kids understood the meaning of “hangover” and “inside voice.”  (Although part of you wanted to know about the places you’ll go.  Just admit it.)

For some random reason, I recently got to thinking about children’s storybooks, and the web of crap we weave every time we present our youth with a Little Golden Book.  No wonder little Johnny thinks he can create a time travel machine and make a million dollars.  It’s because he thinks people will invest in his project instead of stealing the idea and then suing him for damages.  Sorry Johnny.  Welcome to real life.  Grab a beer and join the misery.

So what if there were children’s books that actually told the truth?  What would those books be about?  Well, fortunately for you, I’ve thought about this issue and came up with a few book ideas that I think should be made to give kids a better understanding of real life.  After all, it will just make it easier on them when they realize Santa isn’t real and the nerdy guy never gets the pretty girl…at least not until he’s 35 and owns his own video game company.

Let’s not sugar coat the truth anymore (unless “the truth” is the rim to my strawberry margarita class.  Then please, sugar coat it.)

Below is the list of ideas I’ve come up with for children’s books that will most likely dash the hopes and dreams of children everywhere.  Enjoy!

**WARNING:  Before we go any further, please heed my advice.  Don’t even think about stealing these ideas.  Little Johnny may be naive about intellectual property theft, but I took two IP classes in law school and I will seriously cut you if you even think about stealing.  For reals.**

TitleAll that glitters, gets kicked out
Synopsis:
  Daddy came home covered in glitter and lipstick, so now he lives in an apartment that smells like cat pee.

TitleThe Farm that never was
Synopsis:  Your dog Buddy isn’t at a farm, mommy ran over him with the car and he will never come back. He’s buried in the backyard and daddy runs over his grave with the lawnmower each week.

Title: Cops and Robbers
Synopsis: What those handcuffs in mommy’s nightstand are really for.

TitleLies Pinocchio told me
Synopsis:  What happens when Pinocchio discovers his parents were the real liars.  He discovers that lying doesn’t make your nose grow.  Rather, size doesn’t matter at all.  (Okay, maybe this is perpetuating another lie and will start a whole new set of issues, but that’s for another publisher to address.)  This book will be followed up by the sequel, Pinocchio goes to Washington

TitleSwimming and eating: The real story
Synopsis:  Contrary to popular belief, you can swim immediately after eating. The pool has no idea whether you ate or not, so as long as you don’t pee in the pool, no one will ever know if you go swimming immediately after eating. Do it. This is a prequel to the book No one knows if you pee in the pool.

TitleGrown ups Throw up too
Synopsis:  Grown ups puke, but it isn’t for the same reasons you do. When mommy drinks too much vodka and daddy drinks too much bourbon, they end up with upset tummies. You will notice this trend occur on Friday and Saturday nights. It may also be a reason you and your brother get to watch whatever you want the morning after New Years Eve.

TitleTurn that frown upside down
Synopsis:  How frowning all your life really won’t make your face get stuck that way.

I’m such an artist.

TitleThe lamest game
Synopsis:  There is no such thing as the quiet game. It’s just a way to get you to be quiet. The only winner is the adult who convinces you there’s a prize. Demand something fun for a prize or refuse to play.

TitleNighttime is the right time
Synopsis:  What really happens after you go to sleep. Yes, it’s fun and yes, you would like it.

That’s all I have for now.  I’m sure you all can think of other titles for children’s storybooks that will never make it to publication.  Feel free to share those with me, but please know I may steal them and make my fortune off your idea.  At least I’m honest (about telling you I will steal.  Not about stealing.  I will totally steal your idea).

And now I’m going to go find some kid’s dreams to crush and then steal candy from a baby, mostly because WHO GIVES CANDY TO A BABY?!  Probably someone who would read these books to their kids.

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