I’m pretty sure I didn’t have to write a blog post about this, as it’s a no brainer (as evidenced by this post’s title). Any holiday with the word “fat” right in the title is obviously going to be observed by this girl. It’s pretty much a celebration of me and my fellow chub club peeps, and what we stand for…which is butter on everything and a side of Ranch dressing.
OMG! I just made up that chub club thing just now and it’s completely brilliant! I’m going to run with it. Okay, I won’t really physically run with it. I will walk slowly with it or take a cab. I think I’m going to start a Chub Club for real.
I will be the “Big Cheese” in charge of the outfit, and the members will be named after different variations of my favorite dairy products. This is genius! I predict t-shirts will be made soon with the smallest size being an XL (for the tiny people in the group). This is gold!
Sorry about hijacking my own post there, but when amazing ideas come to me, which is pretty much every hour, I need to write them down so I don’t forget them.
I’ve got so many irons in the fire right now that it’s hard to keep them all straight. And by “irons in the fire” I mean “items in the microwave.”
Anyway, I feel like this post is a pretty obvious one and probably doesn’t need to be written, but then again, I thought Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a love to last a lifetime, and look how that turned out.
You guys need guidance, and fortunately I’m here to serve. However, I’m not here to serve you food; only wisdom. Scoop your own gravy, free loaders.
Perhaps the best part about Fat Tuesday is that it’s an actual holiday encouraging indulgence and gluttony. Any other day of the year, society quietly judges you for overindulging.
Except in my case, society takes the form of my great aunt who doesn’t judge me quietly, but does so quite loudly from the seat next to me at dinner. “Wow, Lisa, you sure can eat an entire ham. Maybe you should grab some broccoli to round out your meal.”
What other day of the year encourages engaging in a full day of complete gluttony? Thanksgiving is usually restricted to one meal of gorging, and the focus of the holiday isn’t simply stuffing one’s face with carbs (there’s desserts too!).
Apparently we are also supposed to remember the Indians on that day and how we killed them all with cholera blankets and STDs. Not the happiest of holidays, although pie definitely makes it better. (Pie makes everything better. I think I should make that into a bumper sticker. It could be the slogan for my Chub Club. I’M ON A ROLL TONIGHT!)
Unlike the short lived Thanksgiving with one big meal, Fat Tuesday encourages gluttony all day long! It’s the perfect day and it should be a national holiday. How can I be expected to work when I have a full cookie cake to eat? And that plate of nachos isn’t going to eat itself.
I can’t be expected to go to work on a day when the world is my oyster of food, and the oyster is on a cracker with Tabasco sauce. Does my boss not want me to properly honor the holiday? To basically flip off Fat Tuesday and all that it represents? Apparently so. My boss is obviously unpatriotic.
Fat Tuesday is also a great holiday because it actually celebrates being fat! All year long I’m made to feel embarrassed by my love handles and meaty thighs.
(I don’t feel bad about them, but it’s not for a lack of society’s attempts. They are relentless!) But just this one day a year, society embraces fatness, one love handle at a time.
Wait, my husband just told me that Fat Tuesday isn’t a celebration of fat people at all. Apparently, he seems to think its a last hurrah of sorts before Lent starts and people give up stuff. What does he know? He’s skinny and clearly wants to bring me down on the best holiday of the year.
And if he doesn’t watch himself, he’s going to learn about giving up stuff…in this case, it will be the comfort of our memory foam mattress, as we don’t have one of those in the guest bedroom.
I’m not letting my husband’s nay saying bring me down on the best day of the year. I will relegate him to the guest bedroom so he can think about what he’s done, and so I can enjoy my last stash of Twinkies in peace without judgment. I will also be launching a Chub Club, as this is clearly one of my better ideas. It’s right up there with the Snuggie dress, which is a genius idea if I could just get some funding.
So enjoy Fat Tuesday, my friends. Celebrate your inner and outer fat kid, and if you come across nay sayers like my husband, feel free to throw a pie in their face and tell them they need to get in the holiday spirit. But don’t waste a good pie. That would be a tragedy.