My husband can be a funny guy at times. Granted, most of the time he doesn’t realize he’s being funny, but those are the times he’s at his best. It’s not that he’s funny because of the jokes he tells. I assure you, he is not. Actually, if my husband asks to tell you a joke, punch him in the jeans and run away immediately. Seriously. It’s for your own good.
Despite his inability to master the “knock knock” joke, he has an ability to make me laugh at the most random times. It’s one of the things I love most about him. So because I love you guys so much (and because I don’t have time to write a full blog post tonight because I’m super busy and important), I’ve decided to let you in on some of my husband’s recent statements that made me laugh.
*Please note that none of these statements are ones that made me want to run to the divorce lawyer and take him for his entire collection of old and stained movie posters. (They are stained from water basement from the damage, you perverts!) A blog post about those statements will be saved for another day. Somehow, those statements also manage to make me laugh, which is probably just pathetic.
**Please also note that all of these statements were said innocently by him, and not a single one of them were said ironically or with the intent of getting a laugh from me. I’m sad about that part, but it’s the truth. He was completely genuine in each one of these examples. Every. Single. One.
1. Mr. Obvious
Matt: “I hit my elbow!”
Matt: “On the pointy part!”
Yeah, because I definitely want to know where exactly on your elbowyou hit your elbow. The very use of the word “elbow” tells me exactly where you hurt yourself. I want to know what object caused you pain, mostly so I can ensure that object is in the way the next time you tell me my purse should go “in the purse spot.”
Me (while standing in the pool on vacation): “How much of this pool is pure urine?”
Matt (while also standing in the pool): “I don’t know, but I’ve contributed to it.”
At least he’s honest. And who am I kidding? I contributed to it too.
3. Ghetto Superstar
Matt: “Soledad O’Brien is my home girl.”
I feel like I don’t even need to explain this one. She clearly is his home girl, and I’m totally cool with that. Of course, it would have been more appropriate if he was watching her on TV at the time, or if there was some reference to her anywhere at the time he made this declaration. Yes, that would have been appropriate, yet that wasn’t the case.
Me (standing in the ocean hugging him): “I love you.”
Matt: “I’m peeing right now.”
See, people?! This is another reason I don’t fricking hug people! The one time I venture out and try to hug someone, they pee on me and an hour of disinfecting my body begins.
5. Motivational Speaker
Matt: “Do you want to go on a walk?”
Me: “Yeah, let’s go.”
Matt: “I don’t want to.”
Wow. This guy really knows how to make a girl happy. I’m thinking I will use this tactic the next time he wants to engage in sexy time.
Matt: “I’m a funny guy, you dick!”
The word “dick” was strongly emphasized. When he strongly belted out this statement, I can assure you, I thought it was hilarious. So maybe that makes him the dick.
7. Food extraordinaire
Matt: “That thing I order here is awesome!”
Me: “What is it?”
Matt: “I don’t remember.”
Well, I guess we will just order two of those.
Matt: “Did I ever tell you my elementary school principal looked like Kurt Russell in a wig?”
Perhaps this is true. I’m not sure, but for the sake of his principal, I hope it isn’t, as Kurt Russell does not-a-pretty-girl-make. But what was most humorous (and disturbing) about this statement, was that he made it as he was drifting off to sleep. After this observation, I immediately threw away our copy of Overboard, which sucks, because that movie rocks. (It was her money all along people!!!!! Who saw that coming?)
9. Judge and Jury
Matt (while laying on the beach in Mexico): “Not to be a snob, but is that woman using a god….damned….flip phone?”
Me: “You look creepy in that skull cap.”
Matt: “It’s not a skull cap, it’s a knit cap.”
Me: “What’s the difference?”
Matt: “I don’t know.”
And there you have it; a list of unintentionally funny things my husband said recently. I could go on and on and post several more quotes from him, but it’s getting late and I need to use my flip phone to order something amazing for him for dinner.