As you know, I recently did a scathing letter to the forty-something mom at the pool. You’re welcome. But since I’m an equal opportunity hater, I’ve decided the forty-something dad at the pool also needs a letter…just to keep things fair. Okay, it’s not that I’m necessarily a hater. I’m not. I’m just an easily annoyed person who pents up all her rage and irritation and then takes it out on this blog that a total of five people read. Here it goes.
Dear forty something dad at the pool,
Yeah, I’m looking at you. But not because of your sexy body and No Fear swimming trunks. I’m looking at you because you’re a disaster. And you’re not a disaster the way I am…where I play it off cute and make people laugh (hopefully). You’re a disaster that makes me both happy and sad at the same time…kind of like eating all the guacamole. So here are a few things you should know.
1. You don’t have a six pack.
At least not on your body you don’t. Although you may be sucking in your gut, you will need a lot more than a simple inhalation of breath to make that thing look attractive. Here’s a hint: when people talk about “six pack abs,” they aren’t talking about downing a six pack in 30 minutes. Yes, that six pack technically goes to the area covered by your abs, but that’s not what they’re referring to. They’re talking about crunches. Do some. But not now. I don’t want to see your butt crack while you attempt to work out. Save that shit for your mirror at home.
2. You need a trim.
I’m not talking about your rapidly receding hair line; I’m talking about your chest hair. You could french braid it, slap a bow on it and send it off to first grade. No one wants to see that. I’m not saying you should get your entire chest waxed. I’m pretty sure you don’t have enough money to pay for that much time with a salon technician (or that many days off work). I’m just saying perhaps you should run a pair of scissors over your chest every now and again. If I can see your chest hair floating in the pool around you like a life vest, it’s too long. And if you aren’t going to heed my advice, shampoo that shit every now and again. It’s getting dandruff.
3. Your butt crack isn’t attractive.
You may like to see a hint of a woman’s crack while she’s wearing a string bikini. Maybe you think that’s sexy, I don’t know. However, I assure you women don’t feel the same way about your crack. The last thing we want to see when we go to the pool is your crusty crack and the hair peeking out from it. (Take my advice on #2 above and apply it to this as well.) No one cares about your junk in the trunk. Hike up those shorts and get a wash rag in there every now and again. You’re stinking up the pool and making us all sick, and we still want to get snow cones later.
4. Stop pretending you’re super cool.
Seriously. We all saw you pull up in the parking lot in your 1999 Dodge minivan. Not only did we see it, we heard it because you seem to be missing a muffler (and any understanding of what women find attractive). So put away your fancy keys with what you call a “clicker thing” that unlocks the doors. We’ve all got one of those. It isn’t super cool technology that just came out. We are also no longer taping television shows on VHS, so don’t invite the poor lifeguard over to watch “taped” episodes of Dallas. She doesn’t know what that means and I’m pretty sure she’s calling the authorities on you right now. You better get to that van and skedaddle before the cops arrive.
5. Jumping off the high dive isn’t going to impress anyone other than your five-year old.
Yes, we can all see that you’re capable of climbing the ladder to the high dive. That’s probably because you climb ladders everyday as part of your regular job. We’re not impressed. We also don’t care that you can make “a big ole’ splash” and yell “cannonball” when you jump off the board. You aren’t the first person to do that and you won’t be the last. The seventh grader behind you is getting ready to do the same thing, and he’s cuter than you and has less credit card debt.
Do you know what’s impressive to a woman? A 401k and a dental plan. You clearly don’t know about the latter as you have sunflower seeds in your teeth from about a week ago. Grab some floss and get off the high dive. And seriously, pull up your trunks. You could smuggle a small child inside that deep crack of yours.
So there you go. I’m equally offensive to both men and women. I just hope none of them read this blog, as there are a few weeks left of summer and I still want to be let back into the pool. I’ve got several more cannonballs to do!