I had a bad day today. Not like one of those days where you spill something on your shirt and then miss the Metro. That’s just a normal Monday for this girl. I’m talking about a horrible day. A “kick you in the balls and then punch you in the stomach so you throw up and then are forced to eat your throw up” kind of day. (Too graphic?)
I feel like my day had nothing on Daniel’s Powter’s little diddy about having a bad day. (Seriously, that guy made a ridiculous amount of cash on an annoying song that says what everyone thinks about Mondays.)
Instead of boring you with the details of my horrific day, I’ve decided to focus on why things are better than they used to be. Yes, I’m trying to brighten my mood by pointing out how our society has changed for the better.
(And if you think I’m going to talk about recycling and humanitarian efforts, you clearly have the wrong blog. I’m going to discuss things like 10 ply toilet paper. Thank you Charmin!)
1. We no longer use handkerchiefs
…Or at least normal people don’t use them. Who wants a wadded up snot rag in their pocket taking up space? Not this girl. My pockets are reserved for hand fulls of peppermints I casually snagged from the restaurant at lunch, a miniature golf pencil and different colors of lint. (I have no idea how the second and third items get in there, but they always do.)
What kind of hygienic person blows their nose into a flimsy piece of cotton and instead of throwing it away, simply folds it and says “I’m gonna hang on to this for later.”? Obviously a crazy person, and this is one of those few times I’m not in that crazy person category. Ah-chew!
2. Woman don’t have to wear pantyhose
Wait, do they? Maybe they do still have to wear them, but I’m telling myself that women don’t have to wear pantyhose, so don’t burst my bubble if that isn’t true. I figure people are lucky that I even bother to change out of lounge pants and throw on a dress or skirt, so no one should expect anything more from me than that.
If I don’t throw on makeup or deodorant, I’m certainly not going to throw on nylon stockings that scratch my legs and bring the heat index in my crotch up to 100 degrees (just like Ryan Gosling does). No thanks. You can look at my ashy legs and deal with it.
3. The DVR was invented
I realize people think the wheel and fire were important inventions, but neither of these allow me to watch Project Runway while taping Big Brother at the same time. Obviously the wheel and fire aren’t that important; and just like Journey sings, “The wheel in the sky keeps on burnin,'” it totally does.
So I’m thinking those inventions are going to be around for a while and are old hat (just like Journey, even though their music still totally rocks).
I’m so thankful for DVR because I’m too important to be bothered with commercials about erectile dysfunction. Although I’d love to sit and figure out how a guy with ED is able to fill two bathtubs with water in the middle of the wilderness overlooking a mountain with no running water in sight, I have better things to do with my time.
But seriously, a guy who is that inventive could certainly figure out how to get it up every now and again without a pill, right? Fast forward!!!
And DVR is conducive to my super important super busy schedule. (I’m a big deal.) I used to have to wait until 7:00 to get my fix of Alf, but now I never have to wait to see that furry creature from Melmac. I can watch him anytime thanks to my DVR (and to TV Land).
4. The drive thru was invented
You knew there was going to be something on here about food. Come on. Although I pretend like the drive thru is such a demonstration of how lazy our society has become, I’m the first to use it if I can. Why would I want to park and walk the 10 feet inside the store to get my 5,000 calorie meal when I could stay in my car and rock out to Tupac?
Who needs exercise when you’re getting ready to inhale that many calories? Yeah, like the 10 calories I burn walking into the store is really going to make a difference. I don’t think so. Ooohhh….is that a special on McDonald’s apple pies?
Okay, that’s all I could think of for now. I wanted to come up with five things, but since my day was so crappy, I’m impressed I was able to come up with four positive things in this world. I’m considering going into my bedroom, blowing my nose with a disposable tissue, laying bare legged and watching DVR while eating food obtained through the drive thru. God bless America!