Shame On you. What did you think this title meant?!  Puh-lease!  After all, I’m a happily married woman. Geez! How about this? I will make you a deal, kind of like The Price Is Right only I don’t have a plastic face and a creepy skinny microphone (although I do suggest you control the pet population and spay/neuter).

Get your mind out of the gutter and I will get my hands out of the bag of chips and we will both continue.

My husband and I need a new mattress.  No, that’s not right.  We needed a new mattress about a year ago.  We are past that stage now.  Our spines are begging us for relief and the nightly poking of springs in our back is no longer something we can deal with.

So we decided to bite the bullet (and the pillow, as our backs were killing us).  We then started the hated task of shopping for a new bed.  We did this on a Saturday night because we are total losers and didn’t have anything else planned.

We headed to the first store and began trying out mattresses (by laying on them jackasses.)  You should know that I planned ahead and wore comfy clothes. How do you know how the bed will feel unless you try it out in the clothes you would normally be wearing?

Of course, I wanted to ask if I could remove my bra and underwear, bring in a couple hundred pounds of dogs and get to business. I decided against asking and settled for the dog hair I inadvertently transferred from my t-shirt (that black dog hair really pops atop a white mattress).

One thing we noticed throughout our excursion was there was a common denominator in mattress shopping, and it wasn’t the constant urge to grab a blanket and take a nap (although that urge became quite strong).  Rather, it was the creepy disheveled salesmen.  Was that a requirement for mattress salesmen?

Come to think of it, it probably is a requirement as it’s probably a good thing. Doesn’t that suggest that they have comfy beds at home that they don’t want to leave? I pictured these guys with one hand in their pants and another in a bag of chips, lounging in bed watching Nick at Nite and infomercials  (there I go talking about chips again).

The more I think about it, I couldn’t buy a mattress from a skinny guy. It wouldn’t make sense. It would be like getting a gym membership from a fat person, or advice on love from Jessica Simpson.

The first guy we met was Clark. Yes. That was actually his name. Clark had the body of a guy who never stepped foot into a gym, yet something told me he knew how to please a woman…by giving a great foot massage.

What did you think I meant?  Pervert. What did I tell you about our deal?  Okay. I totally slacked on my end of the bargain too. I’m still eating Sun Chips.  Who wouldn’t be?

Clark was awkward and seemed to physically be in pain when he talked to us. Based upon the smells emanating from him, I suspect he had a mean case of diarrhea.   Poor Clark.   We tried a few beds and decided to leave poor Clark to the sweet sanctity of the restroom, where he would probably read the Play Station manual and wonder what boobs feel like. (I’m referring to female boobs. It was clear Clark knew what men’s boobs feel like, as he appeared to be rocking an A-cup.)

unmade bedAt the next store we met was Sal. Seriously. That was his name. I wish I was making this up. When we arrived, Sal had his shirt untucked, his tie loosened and the smell of cheap whiskey on his breath.  Seriously.  This happened.

Sal clearly had a rough night and was still feeling the side effects of it at 6:00 p.m. the next evening.  The funniest part was that once he saw us, he tucked in his shirt and attempted to button his top button.  I encouraged him not to, as there was no point.  He shattered our illusions of what a mattress salesman could be.  After all, Clark set the bar high.

He took us from bed to bed, talking in cliches and telling us he was letting us in on industry secrets and he was willing to give us a special deal.  He told us he would give us his friends and family discount as long as we didn’t tell anyone.

Yeah, like I believe this guy is willing to risk his job and the five child support liens he’s behind on just so he can give us a deal.  Right….

We went from mattress to mattress trying to decide which one was just right.  Some were too soft, some were too hard, and one had a bear in the bed, which was just awkward for everyone.

Ultimately, I think we settled on a mattress that was in the price range of what we wanted to spend (after Sal’s sweet discount).

Of course, we didn’t stop there.  Nope.  We felt like throwing a little more money Sal’s way.  After all, those garnished wages for his illegitimate kids weren’t going to pay themselves.

So we decided to do something amazingly awesome.  We decided to buy an adjustable base to the bed.  Yes, that’s right.  We decided to jump to the end of our lifetime and purchase a bed that allows us to move it to a sitting position without doing anything more than pushing a button.  We’ve come to a whole new stage of lazy.  A bed that allows you to sit up without effort.  It’s amazing.

What was that Sal?  It’s ridiculously expensive and if we knew anything about hydraulics or mechanical engineering, we could make this base ourselves for $19.99?  Well that’s okay.  We’d prefer to pay the equivalent of a mortgage payment instead…after all…you’ve got kids to feed (or at least the state does).

nightBecause we didn’t want to appear too eager, we said we would sleep on it (pun intended).  We left the store and went home and did some Internet research on the mattress and the adjustable base. (I admit it…I was looking for a coupon.)  Sal actually wasn’t feeding us a line…he really was giving us a deal.

Considering we made him throw in free Memory foam pillows and a free bed frame for our guest bedroom, Sal might not have been sober enough to do the math and realize the deal he was offering.  We didn’t want to lose it.

So first thing this morning, we returned to Sal’s place of business and bought the mattress and base, dropping far more money than I care to disclose.  But it’s totally worth it, right?  It will be delivered tomorrow and we can’t wait.  So just know that from here on out, I will be writing blog posts from the comfort of my new mattress and adjustable base.

I predict I will also be sipping Ovaltine and my orthopedic shoes will be right by the night stand, in case I have to walk anywhere.  Sweet dreams!