top of beeer canOkay, I held off as long as I could, but I caved. (No, I’m not talking about the diet that lasted all of 12 minutes, although that is a totally legitimate guess.)  It’s time to talk about the glorious train wreck that’s better known as The Bachelor/The Bachlorette series.

I could dedicate an entire blog just to musings about this wonderful show, but I try to refrain because I know my readers really want to read about my life, and how I manage to do nearly impossible things, like get myself kicked out of the local library.  (Not so much kicked out, as encouraged to stay away for the next 60 days.)

Every week I desperately want to do a recap of the show, where I point out all the ridiculous things I notice (like last week’s episode with the constant thunder and complete lack of rain drops).  However, instead, I decided to be more creative and combine two of my favorite things:  making fun of The Bachelor/Bachlelorette, and drinking.

I tried to figure out how to add Chipotle and Ryan Gosling in there, but I’m not that big of a genius, so let’s just start with drinking and The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Here are the rules:  Whenever someone says or does one of the following things, you have to take a shot.  Yes, a shot.  Not a drink of beer.  This game isn’t for pussies, and neither is The Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Go big or go home.  Actually, you probably are at home watching the show, but whatever.  Get out your finest liquor (or liqueur if you are a total douche), and take a shot every time the following happens:

1.  Someone says “I think I’m really falling for her/her.”  —-2 shots

Who actually says this? No self respecting guy would ever say these exact words.  Ever.  In real life, a guy would get punched in the dick for saying something like this…probably by me.  Hey douche bag, return your man card and grab some Tampax because you clearly have a vagina.

2.  The Bachelor/Bachelorette says “I’ve got some fun dates planned this week.”  —3 shots

Really?  You planned the dates?  It wasn’t some ABC intern making $2 an hour being forced to purchase hookers for Chris Harrison while staving off his sexual harassment and ass grabs?  Yeah, we all believe it’s you that’s the mastermind behind these dates.

You thought Bermuda was a made up island invented by The Beach Boys for their catchy “Kokomo” tune, but we are supposed to believe you were able to secure the helicopter and $5 million yacht for the afternoon. Sure… (“Way down in Kokomo…”)

3.  Someone is able to identify the quiet unknown girl/guy by name before his/her name flashes on the screen.  —pass out a shot to everyone else in the room

Every season there’s a candidate that no one knows exists.  He’s that random creepy guy in the corner braiding his ponytail and writing in his journal.  He’s the guy that never gets a one-on-one date, and the guy I’m pretty certain is just one of the extra camera guys who is off duty but wanted to get in a shot or two.

 

If you can identify that guy’s name, you deserve to pass around shots to everyone else in the room.  You also deserve to get a hobby because that’s seriously pathetic.  Come to think of it, you should drink too.

4.  Whenever someone says “I really like it best when it’s just the two of us.”  —2 drinks

Yeah, it’s just the two of you…and the camera men…and the lighting guys…and the producer…and America.  Yeah, it’s a real quaint date.  Maybe you guys should go to the Olympics…you know…for some alone time.

5.  Someone says “He’s/She’s not there for the right reasons.”  —slam a beer

Yeah, cuz the rest of you are all there for the right reasons…definitely not for the free tripp and the 8 week long kegger.  Yep.  You’re there for love.  The way you shed your shirt and flex your pecs every time the camera is on you definitely makes that clear.

6.  Someone says “I really want to find love.”  —punch your neighbor in the face.  (Passing out shots got kind of boring and this will switch it up a bit.  I told you this game wasn’t for pussies.)

Of course…you’re there for love.  And by love, you mean the cover of “Us Weekly” and by “lasting relationship” you mean you want to get an agent and do Dancing with the Stars.

7.  Someone says “This is really hard.” —1 drink

drinking glasses

Oh yes, it’s a rough road being on the show.  Lounging around all day in 5 star hotels and pools in exotic locations always stresses me out.  The free food and alcohol makes it positively excruciating.  Shut up, quit your bitchin’, and ask the production assistant to get you another session of spray tanning.

You don’t look quite orange enough for the camera yet.  And stop shaving your chest.  You’re a tool.

8.  The Bachelor/Bachelorette says “Will you accept this rose?”  — punch yourself in the face.  (You might as well, because hearing these lines is already killing brain cells, so why not top it off with a blow to the face?)

roseRight…like a girl/guy isn’t going to accept the lame ass rose that some 16 year old picked up from Walmart approximately five minutes before the show began taping.  Why do they even ask this question?  It’s not like someone is going to turn down the opportunity to enjoy another week of slamming beers and doing push ups by the pool.  Puh-lease.   

I would accept a rose from The Bachelor/Bachelorette if it meant I got to lounge around for another week and boss around Chris Harrison.

There you have it for now.  I’m considering adding more rules as the season goes on, but I wanted to get you all started with this game, as I know you were desperately looking for something to make that show even more enjoyable than it already is.

If you are planning on playing this game, may I also suggest that before you start, you get a note from your doctor keeping you off work for the next day?  I guarantee your hangover will thank you.