Don't hug me!11

I’m not a super affectionate person.  I like my own space and prefer for you not to be in it.  This is not only because chances are good I’ve farted and at any given time I’m surrounded by a cloud of stench, but also because I don’t like people touching me.  (Unless it’s John Mayer.  Then my body is not only a wonderland for him, it’s an amusement park and there is NO wait.)

I guess I just don’t understand the convention of hugging. It makes no sense to me.  Why is walking up to someone and holding down their arms while holding their body close to yours a sign of affection?  To me, that’s a sign of false imprisonment and I know my rights.

Back off or spend the night in jail.  Seriously.  And I’m not above kneeing someone to get out of an embrace.  In my world, that’s self defense.

photo credit: Viewminder via photopin cc

photo credit: Viewminder via photopin cc

Don’t get me wrong, this dislike of affection has nothing to do with my childhood, although I’m sure Oprah and Dr. Phil would say otherwise.  (Aren’t they the authorities on all emotional issues?)

However, my lack of love of hugging isn’t the result of my younger years.  I had great parents and an awesome brother, so that definitely isn’t the reason I shy away from touching.  (I say that because chances are good they read this blog and I’d still like to get a trip to Europe for Christmas….HINT HINT.)

I’m not sure why I don’t like to hug, but I never have.  My mom used to think there was something wrong with me because I never wanted to hug hello or goodbye.

She also thought there was something wrong with me because I collected dog figurines, read the large print of Reader’s Digest and took a daily dose of Mylanta to keep me regular.

However, I think those are issues to be discussed another day, most likely with a licensed professional.

As long as I can remember, I’ve hated the social custom of hugging.  I’m completely uncomfortable when someone hugs me and I have no idea how to respond.

Those friends that know me well know just to say hello and throw out a fist pump.

What better way to show you care than a head nod and a “Sup?”  I don’t need your body shoved against mine to show me you missed me.  You can demonstrate that sentiment just fine with a note and a Starbucks gift card.

When someone hugs me I usually stand there frozen, unsure of how to react.  Should I hug back?  Should I just stand perfectly still so the hugger knows how awkward it is?  Should I fake a coughing spell and pull away quickly?

I feel like none of these options are correct, and I’m not sure how I handle these situations.  I honestly don’t know what I do, probably because the whole duration of the hug I’m thinking about how much I hate hugging.

Don’t judge me for this clipart. I just
discovered Paint and have no idea
how to use it. I’m a blogger,
not an artist. Deal.

Believe me, I’ve tried to analyze this from every angle, and I’ve pondered many questions about this issue.  Is there a deeper rooted problem?  Do I have walls I need to break down?  Is there a place that still sells Icees?

Seriously, is there?  I have a serious craving and I’m hoping they’re still 79 cents.  I’ve got a coin purse full of pennies and a craving for sugar water.

I realize I’m in the minority, as most people seem to like to embrace.  I know I’m in trouble when someone looks at me, opens their arms and says “Sorry, but I’m a hugger.”  Um, why is this okay?  How is apologizing for something and then immediately doing it completely acceptable?

photo credit: 427 via photopin cc

This picture perfectly encapsulates how I fell when someone hugs me. These dogs get me.
photo credit: 427 via photopin cc

If that was allowed, every time I saw a kid wearing those roller skating shoes I would apologize and then immediately punch them in the face.

Really?  You can’t walk to the restroom?  You have to roll there? You’re an ass.

In some instances, these “huggers” seem to think their need to hug everyone is an adorable attribute that everyone loves…like dimples…or the incontinent neighbor who smells like cat pee.

However, I don’t think it’s cute nor do I think it’s socially acceptable.

The next time someone says “Sorry, I’m a hugger,” I’m going to respond with “I understand.  But sorry, I’m a dick grabber.  Beware.”

So the next time you see me, please resist the urge to run up to me and physically assault me with a hug.

I’m not sure how I will respond, but I can assure you that a genital grab might not be out of the realm of possibilities.

For all you guys out there, I suggest you wear a cup.