I recently read an article in a very distinguished periodical that said some celebrities are quite demanding when it comes to what they want in their dressing rooms before a performance. And by “very distinguished periodical” I think we all know I mean Us Weekly.
Don’t be shocked…I read…it just so happens to be when I’m in the restroom. Don’t judge.
So that got me thinking about if I were a celebrity, and I’m practically one already, what would be some of my diva demands? I came up with a list of a few. Here they are, in no particular order.
Okay, so they are in order of preference. Whatever. You knew my first demand would be food…and lots of it. I have an image to uphold and I can’t do it while munching on celery and trail mix.
And seriously, what’s with the trail mix? I’ve been on several trails in my day, and never once did I find a smattering of peanuts, raisins and M&Ms on my trail. Instead, I found rabbit sh$t, mud, and beer cans on my trail. What trail are people on where they find this scrumptious trail mix?
Where is it? And can I just drive there? But seriously, I want good food in my room. Nothing good for me or organic. In fact, I would demand nothing but processed food and powdered cheese.
I would probably also have to have a cardiologist on staff, but if I was famous, I could totally swing that.
2. Pants with an elastic waistband
Who am I trying to impress? If I’m in my dressing room, I want to relax and let it all hang out. Literally…I want to let my fat rolls actually hang out.
No Spanx for this girl in my dressing room. Come to think of it, I won’t wear a bra either. Or make up. Or pants.
3. Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits
Duh. Do I really need to say more? “Forever in Blue Jeans” will need to be pumping loudly from my room, which will be ironic considering I won’t be wearing jeans at all…or any sort of pants.
4. No mirrors
Considering I will be pant less, eating processed food and rocking out to Neil Diamond, I’m thinking mirrors aren’t something I want in my room. I would ban them from my dressing room entirely. I definitely don’t need to watch myself eat.
I don’t know how my husband does it every night (or really every 2 hours). And since I would be famous, I would have a team of professionals to make me look 100 pounds thinner and 100 times happier.
From make up to hair to wardrobe, I would have a team of people transforming me into something amazing. I know they would be successful too. If they could do it with Kate Gosselin, transforming me would be a piece of cake. (Oh, and cake. I would want cake too).
Everything is better with puppies, right? Those smushy little faces are adorable and they love to snuggle and cuddle. I realize they can be gassy and are usually poop machines, but those smell will mask my various odors, so it’s a win-win for me.
So there you have it; my list of diva demands. I don’t think they’re that difficult. Actually, come to think of it, these are exactly the things one would find in a retirement home.
Hmm…maybe getting old isn’t going to be so bad. I can be a diva without wearing pants (or my teeth).