weights

I hate working out.  Yes, I realize that’s shocking considering my svelte body and my biceps made of steel (really, they’re composed of a combination of rice from Chipotle and anything fried and dipped in ranch dressing).

Even though I hate going to the gym, if I have any hope of continuing to occupy only one seat on an airplane, I know I must work out.  Since I’m not “that girl” at the gym, and I’m also not a masochist, I hate going to the gym.

So if I have to go sweat it out, I prefer to go with one of my best friends.  Enter Downtown Christy Brown.  (Not her real name).

DTCB and I joined a gym together and go there in an effort to lose weight.  We hoped that just going to the gym would allow us to lose weight without actually engaging in physical activity, but we discovered that wasn’t the case.

The gym doesn’t make you lose weight just by stepping inside its doors.

If it did, I would take up residency there with a jar of Nutella and an endless supply of carbs.

However, a workout is required at the gym if you want to lose weight, and although we get our heart rates pumping at the gym, we have some concerns that each visit  may be our last.  We’re pretty sure we’re on borrowed time at the gym, and sometime soon we are going to be permanently kicked out.

Here’s a list of a few reasons why.

1.  We talk about ridiculous things while working out

dog in glassesFrom body odor to the genital herpes we’re sure the skinny girl on the treadmill has, our discussions at the gym have no restrictions (and no filter).

For some reason, with the noise of the elliptical machines pounding in our ears (and the feel of oxygen escaping our lungs at a rapid rate of speed), we figure we can talk about whatever we want while we’re at the gym.

No subject matter is off limits, regardless of who is on the machine next to us.

If the 55 year old male doesn’t want to hear about the annual trip to the lady doctor, he should either switch machines or turn up the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond he’s pretending to watch, because we will be discussing every last detail, from the snotty receptionist to the overly chilly medical equipment.

And who watches that show anyway?  Here’s the synopsis of every single episode:  Raymond does something stupid, Debra forgives him, and Lisa Newlin bangs her head against the wall at the lack of creative writing.

2.  DTCB yells ridiculous things when she thinks no one can hear

yellingNews flash to DTCB:  Just because you can’t hear anything because the blood is rushing to your head and you’re feeling faint, doesn’t mean others can’t either.  They can hear everything just fine.

So yelling “running really loosens up my bowels” at the top of your lungs while running on the treadmill isn’t the smartest decision to make…although it gives me an excuse to fart freely, as everyone will assume you’re the culprit with your loose bowels and noxious gas.

So I guess I should say thank you for that.  But other than that, please remember that although I enjoy your random announcements about the status of your bowels, other gym-goers might not be that interested.

3.  We provide encouragement to people who probably don’t want it

I like to think we are being helpful, but I’m pretty sure the elderly Asian man we encourage to “punch it” on the treadmill disagrees. Seriously though, that guy is a machine!

Since DTCB and I find we need motivation to work out, we assume others do too, and take it upon ourselves to provide that service to other gym-goers free of charge.  (We’re so charitable.)

We seem to believe our motivational shouts will encourage others to work that much harder.  What would probably work better as a motivational tool, would be if I stood in front of each patron’s workout machine wearing nothing but a tankini and board shorts.

The sight of my chunky thighs and “fluffy” gut would encourage them to run that extra mile on the treadmill, and to remember to pick up cottage cheese on the way home.

4.  DTCB runs on the treadmill with jazz hands

Hamster Getting a Workout on Spinning Wheel --- Image by © Royalty-Free/CorbisI wish this one wasn’t true, but it is.  The worst part is that she truly doesn’t realize she does it.  As if yelling about the status of her bowels isn’t enough, she finds it necessary to run with her hands flexed and open, as if she’s ready to karate chop anyone who comes near her machine.

Sometimes she looks like she’s in the middle of a show choir routine, and I find her shaking her jazz hands and doing the ever-so-popular sweep of the open hand across the body.

At times, she looks like she’s having a seizure.

I then have to decide if I’m going to push her off the machine to hold her down and keep her from swallowing her tongue, or if I will leave her alone and let her finish her rendition of Don’t Stop Believin‘.

Since I’m a Journey fan, I usually let her finish.  Either way, she looks ridiculous.

and the final reason we will probably get kicked out of the gym…

5.  I fart into the fan

fanIt’s true…like you’re shocked.  I prefer to pick the machine closest to the fan so I can sweat as little as possible while pumping my legs.

And since I’m one gassy chick, part of exercising (for this girl), includes being gassy.

To me, working out and farting go together like chocolate milk and Oreos…chips and salsa…Kathy Lee Gifford and copious amounts of prescription drugs and alcohol.

The two go hand in hand. And passing gas in front of a large fan does nothing but disperse the odor throughout the room at a high rate of speed.

It’s not ideal.  But since I don’t look good when I sweat, I figure I’d rather look cute and workout by the fan, than worry if my bodily functions cause a few people to flee the gym for fresh air.

It usually results in the availability of a machine I want, so I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

So until we get the proverbial running shoe from the gym, we will continue to do our workouts, most likely annoying everyone in the vicinity.

So if you go to our gym, bring your headphones, stay away from the treadmills, and stay at least 20 feet away from the fan.