But there are some things about me that I wish were different. Surprisingly, being gassy isn’t one of them. I love having the ability to clear a room with my bodily functions…and then blame it on the dorky 10 year old in the corner playing on his Nintendo Gameboy.
They still make those right?)
So I decided to expose some of my deepest, darkest confessions to the three of you who read this blog.
Since I know it’s no one I know who checks in regularly to this site, I won’t hold anything back in my confessions.
Here they are:
1. I love eating at Chili’s
Their chips and salsa are amazing and don’t even get me started on their chocolate lava cake. You know how I feel about it, and if you don’t, the 10 extra pounds I carry around should make it clear I love their dessert menu.
I pride myself on going to locally owned restaurants and supporting local businesses, but every now and then I want a buffalo chicken sandwich with a side of loaded mashed potatoes, and Chili’s knows how to rock my world.
The fact that Chili’s has a mini computer at each table is an added bonus, as it allows me to go to dinner with someone and then not engage in any human contact with that person. It’s a win-win.
You can play games, play trivia and even pay your server without having to make eye contact, which I would encourage you to avoid, as our regular server is most likely a lord of some sort in the Dungeons and Dragons world.
So as much as I hate to admit that I love a chain restaurant, I do. I really really do. More chips and salsa please!
2. I love boy bands
The boy bands bring a special element to the music industry, aside from child predators of course.
One of the best things about a boy band, aside from their amazing ability to harmonize and make up words, is the fact that unless you know it’s a boy band you’re listening to, you might suspect it’s a band of girls, or a band of farm animals that know how to keep a beat.
It’s always a pleasant surprise to discover that your favorite catchy tune about the playground isn’t sung by a group of girls in skirts and pigtails, it’s sung by a group of men…in skirts and pigtails.
Give me a sonnet sung by Joey McIntyre any day of the week. I’ll take that over Mariah Carey’s fake tan and even more fake concern for anyone other than herself. Backstreet’s back…all right!
3. I secretly find Leland from Dog the Bounty Hunter very attractive
This is one secret that puzzles my husband thoroughly. I normally like a clean cut guy who is book smart and knows how to invest properly in a 401k.
But then there’s Leland. Something about that long haired Hawaiian bounty hunter gets my juices flowing, and by “juices” I mean private parts.
I realize it may seem ridiculous to swoon over a reality TV star, but that guy knows his way around a stun gun, and at least one point during every episode I make an inappropriate comment about how he could take me under arrest…or how I’d show him my Miranda warning.
Okay, so some of my comments during the show aren’t my best work. What can I say? I’m mesmerized by his flowing locks and tribal tattoos.
So even though I normally like a pocket-protector wearing guy who can tell me the best tax shelter to maximize my investments, there’s something about Leland and his knowledge of industrial flashlights that really turns me on.
(Get it? Flashlight…turn me on? My love of Leland really does make me dumber.)
4. I secretly like cats
I realize I’m known as a dog person, but I secretly love cats too, although my allergies won’t let me have one. Suck on that Zyrtec. “Helps with indoor allergies” my a$$. Tell that to my stuffy nose and weepy eye.
Don’t get me wrong, I walk a fine line with my cat loving antics. I won’t wear cat sweaters or cat turtlenecks, although the combination suggests coziness and warmth, and I secretly think I could get on board with that.
I also don’t keep photos of cats at my desk, although I probably would if I wasn’t violently allergic. Once again, suck it Zyrtec.
I also feel as if I’m one hairnet and a stained bathrobe away from being the crazy cat lady in the neighborhood, so maybe it’s for the best that I’m allergic to them….especially since I already own the stained bathrobe and I can get a shower cap at any of the fine hotels I frequent when I travel.
5. I think all babies look the same
Come on. You know I’m right on this. I have many friends who are populating the earth and having babies. Each time I see their newborn child, my response is the same: that kid looks like every other kid I’ve ever seen.
Of course, that’s my inner response. My outer response is “oh, he’s so cute…and he has your eyes” (and your husband’s gas. Seriously. Check that kid’s diaper. I’m pretty sure he just $hit himself).
I think babies look the same for the first 6 months of their lives, and I find them completely interchangeable. I could get 10 Christmas cards with photos of 10 different babies and could easily be convinced it’s the same baby in different costumes (and part of me wonders if it is).
Yes, they’re cute and cuddly, but they don’t have different colors of fur, so I really can’t tell them apart from the kid down the street. They’re all adorable, but I’m not getting attached to any kid until I can pick him out of a line up.
So there you have it; some of my most embarrassing confessions. I feel confident posting these confessions on my blog, as I’m pretty sure no one reads it (aside from my third grade teacher who constantly corrects my punctuation, along with the entire cell block C at the local prison.)
So until next time, I’m going to rock out to 98 Degrees as I drive to Chili’s with my neighbor’s cats and then head to my friend’s house where I will drool over Leland and pretend to recognize her baby.