ring.jpgI’m addicted to watching The Bachelor.  Believe me, that wasn’t an easy thing to admit, but don’t they say admitting something is the first step?

The first step to what, I don’t know.  But if it’s a step toward chocolate or shirtless men, I’ll gladly make it.

For those of you living in a cave, The Bachelor is a delightful show on ABC where a hunky guy with perfect abs and zero personality is chosen to look for the love of his life through a series of unrealistic dates including helicopter rides and skiing down a street in San Francisco.

Apparently the love of his life is one of a slew of amazingly attractive women who are all size 2 or smaller. Who knew love knew a size?  Apparently ABC does, and that size is nowhere near double digits….much like many of these women’s IQs.

Don’t get me wrong, some of the women who go on the show are sweet women looking to find love (or an acting/modeling/singing career).  Twenty five women come on the show mesmerized by the cameras and the newest Bachelor’s clinically whitened teeth.

They go on dates with the lucky guy, and he ultimately decides which one he wants to marry after a few short weeks.  The show is a train wreck and I’m in the first car on the train.  Choo choo!

Although we’re only a few weeks into this season of The Bachelor, I’ve noticed a few things that are typical of the dating show (other than the cheesy roses everywhere and the Bachelor’s incessant need to remove his shirt.  I’m not complaining…I’m just pointing it out).

So I decided to make a list of a few things I’ve noticed women say each season of this show.

“I’m really starting to feel something for him”

amoreYeah, it’s lust.  We all feel it for the tanned, oiled up guy doing push ups and saving kittens from a burning building.

What you are feeling isn’t love…you’re just horny.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly acceptable, but don’t confuse the tingling in your pants with a tingling in your heart.

“We have a real connection”

holding handsYou and the other girls this guy is currently banging.  I’m not sure if you looked around, but this guy is being seduced by 24 other women who collectively weigh the same as my right thigh. 

Of course you have a connection…but the connection isn’t so much with him as it is the shared chlamydia you all now have in common. 

Get some penicillin and you should be fine.

“I didn’t expect to fall in love”

candy heartsReally?  You didn’t expect to fall in love with a guy you’ve spent a total of 5 hours with?

Well you shouldn’t expect it because most normal people wouldn’t fall in love with a complete stranger in such a short amount of time, but since you appear to be 45 and desperate, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that you might fall for the man of the hour.

Come to think of it, I suspect you “fall” for guys fairly easily…or at least that’s what it looks like judging by the number of restraining orders against you.

And the one from the guy at the tanning salon is especially awkward, as I’m sure it makes for an uncomfortable session of spray tanning.

“I didn’t think it would be this hard”

couple in franceI know.  Traveling around the world first class and living in luxury mansions is a really rough road.

The free food and unlimited alcohol just make the whole thing that much harder to take.

I know I wouldn’t be able to put my life on hold for 8 weeks to travel the world for free.

Nope.  That would just be too difficult.  That, and I don’t have that much vacation time.

Apparently The Gap gives these women all the time off they need to find love.

“My walls are really starting to come down”

walls crumblingAnd by “walls” you mean pants.

You will throw yourself at this guy after a few drinks just to get some extra time with him, and a crotch shot or two for the cameramen.

Yes, I know, you’ve had a rough life and your heart has been broken so many times.

How dare your boss stay with his wife when he could have you and your credit card debt?

But it’s good to know you can jump into a completely free experience and feel your boundaries erode away (along with your pride).

“I didn’t know I could feel this way”

doberman with roseIt’s funny, but free stuff and liquor will do that to a gal.

I almost married my 55 year old travel agent when I discovered he could get me a free trip to the beach and comp all my meals and alcohol.  Now that’s true love.

I’m sure it’s no different in this scenario, what with all the time you spend alone with him. It’s so romantic when it’s just you and him in the moonlight…and the cameramen…and the boom mic guy…and the producers…and the director….

I will stop now, not necessarily because I’m out of overused phrases on the show, but because I want to get back to this week’s episode and I can’t spend anymore precious time tearing apart a show that brings me so much joy each week.

So I will sign off for now and return to my DVR, where I hope to find out if the daddy’s girl from North Carolina can finally stop crying long enough to say she loves the Bachelor after 30 minutes of chit chat.

She can do it.  I know she can!