Deck the ballsMy husband and I are spending the holidays on a beach, avoiding the annoyances that come with the holidays, like Christmas cards bragging about the lives of people we barely know, obligatory parties where the liquor isn’t top shelf, and endless viewings of Elf.

Instead, we have discovered an entire new set of annoyances in Mexico, the worst of which is the Speedo.  These things must be considered festive wear because it seems that every overweight grandpa on the beach is rocking this look for the holidays.

I’ve never been a fan of Speedos.  I’m not talking about the brand of swimwear that makes bathing suits for Olympic swimmers. which also makes the females who wear them look like they have the breasts of eight-year-old boys.

I’m talking about the small piece of Lycra that houses a man’s junk and accentuates it like a push up bra…only it doesn’t push anything up.

If anything, it assists everything in hanging down.

These banana hammocks are disgusting, and I’m not exactly sure who finds this look appealing.  Definitely not this girl.

Normally, you can expect to see a Speedo or two on the beach while on vacation.  It’s one of the “cons” of enjoying a beach vacation.  (A “pro” is definitely the endless fruity drinks filled with liquor and the sassy men who deliver them).

But this vacation seems especially Speedo-filled, and it’s not making for a happy holiday.  Matt and I wondered why there is an abundance of Speedos on the beach this Christmas and we can only conclude that these men feel it’s the best way to celebrate the holiday while on the beach.

man divingPerhaps the Speedo for men is like the tacky Christmas sweater for women.Whatever the reason, these tiny trunks are taking the beach by storm.

Perhaps these men feel like it’s festive to show off their Yule logs in a sea of red and green.

However, the men who seem to fancy these penis pinchers are those that shouldn’t go near them at all.

It’s always the old men with flabby butt cheeks and saggy balls that seem to think this look is in style.  It’s never the hot 25 year old soccer player with the rocking abs and the tribal tattoo.

Yes, your tattoo is misspelled and it means “boring” in Spanish, but flex those biceps again and no one will care.

These old-timers stuff their crotch into these Speedos so tightly that it looks like they shoved two turtle doves into a small amount of Spandex and Lycra, and then suffocated them to death.

I look for the partridge in a pear tree whenever I see one of these geriatrics emphasizing his genitals, as I’m sure it isn’t far behind; Neither is their oxygen on wheels and the stench of old man farts and Stetson.

paradiseIf that were my husband, there is no way I would let him wear a Speedo on the beach…or anywhere for that matter.

That’s one package I definitely don’t want to see under the tree…or on my couch…or in my bathroom…or anywhere near my body or anything I own.

And yet, these men continue to jingle their bells at us all in the name of the holiday spirit.

I’m pretty sure baby Jesus didn’t envision celebrating his birthday with Spandex, elastic, and a large amount of back hair.

I just don’t see how these things are festive.  And maybe they’re not.  Maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself so I won’t be scarred forever from returning to the beach.

All I know is there better not be this many men in Speedos the next time I come to the beach.

If so, maybe I will give them a taste of their own medicine and show up wearing a string bikini and let them see how they like looking at fat rolls hanging over Lycra.

I’m serious.  I’ll do it.  But until then, I’ll just have to slam a few more drinks and numb myself from the pain of seeing a Vietnam War Vet’s scrotum wrapped around a small piece of Spandex.

Merry Speedo to you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

Post Navigation