Don’t judge. Liquor keeps me warm. I hate winter. Although my body is anything but swimsuit ready, my favorite place to go is the beach, and any bar on the beach.
Since I live in the Midwest and there are no beaches, unless you count the bank of the Mississippi where dead bodies and used prophylactics wash up, I have to take trips to get my precious beach time.
With the holidays, I thought it would be the perfect time to get some sun and sand. So my husband and I are headed to Mexico next week. I just realized that we leave soon and I have so many things to do before we go.
As I’m a huge procrastinator, I usually wait until the last minute to pack. This inevitably leads to my discovery at the resort that I only packed 2 bottoms of a swimsuit, no tops, and 3 deodorants but no underwear.
This combo makes for interesting…and smelly…sexy time.
Every time I tell myself I will pack earlier next time, and every time I don’t. So this time I decided to make myself a list to ensure I’m prepared for this trip, or maybe it’s just another way to procrastinate. You decide.
Here it is.
This might sound like an easy task, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I absolutely love going tanning, as it’s an excuse to lay in a warm bed and take a nap. However, it’s a bit time consuming, and I have to strategically go when I’m not gassy
Those farts really echo in the tanning bed.
Since I’m always gassy, it’s difficult to go tanning not only because of the loud sounds, but also because the noxious gas stays locked in the tanning bed with me, and I fear suffocation might occur.
Because I don’t want my obituary to read that I died from smelling my own farts, I refrain from hitting up the tanning bed. However, tanned fat looks better than white fat, so I know I need to go.
2. Lose 100 pounds
I’m pretty sure half of my body weight is composed of carbohydrates and melted cheese, so this might be a difficult task.
Losing weight also requires me to (1) exercise and (2) eat healthy, and I think we all know how I feel about those two things.
What if I just cut out carbs? (GASP!) Nah. I’d rather be fat on the beach with a belly full of carbs than thin and wishing for some chips.
3. Find some good books to read
But when I go on vacation, I like to read mindless novels. It’s the only time I find it acceptable to read anything by John Grisham. I still won’t touch a Nicholas Sparks book. I have standards.
The problem with finding some good books to read is that I don’t want to spend money on these books, and I definitely don’t want to go to the library.
After my recent smackdown with the horse-loving librarian, I try to avoid that place at all costs (plus, I suspect I may be served with a restraining order the next time I go).
4. Find a bathing suit that hides my problem areas
I realize this is more impossible than #2 on this list, but it’s still a goal I have.
I would probably have more luck getting world peace to happen (or even convincing those beauty pageant contestants that people don’t care about world peace as much as they care about getting free cable).
I understand a bathing suit that hides my problem areas would also cover my entire body, so maybe what I’m really looking for is a stylish body bag.
5. Get a manicure
Of course, I have no problem doing my daily activities with chipped Tinkerbell nail polish and an excessively long pinky nail that my husband calls a “coke nail.”
But how can I be expected to lay on the beach and be pampered if my nails aren’t completely flawless? Plus, the rest of my body is a complete disaster.
From my white, razor-burned legs to my frizzy hair and bad bathing suit, I need at least one part of my body to look good on the beach. I wish it was my actual body that looked good, but I will settle for some nicely manicured nails and a margarita.
What am I doing writing a list of things that need to be done? I need to get up and make this happen.
Maybe if I complete all the items on this checklist, I will make a new checklist for the things I want my husband to complete around the house. Wait a minute…maybe I shouldn’t push for a complete miracle.