woman with phoneHello?! This is what I’ve been saying for two days and it’s been super frustrating.

For some reason, my phone didn’t want to listen to what I had to say.   Clearly it was taking cues from my husband.  Not good.

If that was the case, the next thing I knew it would be leaving wet towels on the floor and watching several episodes of Fringe wearing nothing more than boxers and a pair of black socks.

I knew I needed to get this issue resolved quickly, as I couldn’t take another season of that show.

Whenever my phone rang, which was a lot…because I’m awesome, I would answer only to be met with complete silence on the other end.  Nothing.  No response.

dog with ear outI finally know how Kathy Griffin felt when she did stand up.  The silence on the other end was deafening.

At first I thought it was the other caller’s phone, as clearly I’m awesome and it couldn’t be my phone.  Not my precious iPhone that I’ve had forever, but alas, it was.

I knew I had to get it fixed, and quickly.  So this morning I got up and headed straight to the Apple store to get this issue resolved.

And by “straight” I mean I stopped by Starbucks first and got a pumpkin spice latte.  Um, I have priorities.

I arrived at the location and walked in to a booming store filled with people.  The store was practically bursting at the seams.  As I walked in the door I was immediately stopped by an Apple employee holding an iPad.

open storeAt first I thought he was going to ask me if I had a VIP pass, but then I realized he wanted to know what I needed, and wouldn’t let me enter until I told him.

It was like he was a bouncer for the Apple store, and he was weeding out the ugly people and those who couldn’t dance.  I wondered which one he thought I was.

I told him my phone wasn’t working and I needed a new phone.  He asked me if I made an appointment.

What?!  I wasn’t trying to get a cut and color, I was trying to get my phone fixed.  I told him I didn’t have an appointment, and reminded him I couldn’t have made one if I wanted to, as my phone didn’t work….hence….why I was there.

He looked at me with condescending eyes and told me I must have an appointment to get assistance.  Seriously?!

appointment in calendarI’ve dealt with the Apple store before and always find it’s filled with pretentious douche bag employees who look down on me for being a customer, despite the fact they’re rocking a minimum wage job in a place that houses a food court and eyebrow threading.

I still don’t know how that makes them better than me, but judging by the way they treat me whenever I enter the store, it apparently does.

I asked when the next available appointment was and he told me it wasn’t until the afternoon.  Was this guy kidding me?

How could they have that many appointments already?  Were their products that horrible that such a large number of people had issues with them?

Judging by the line, apparently so. And was this guy really such a tool that he was really telling me I would have to come back?  Judging by his soul patch, apparently so.

I made the appointment with the douche at the front, which reminded me I needed to buy vinegar at the store.

old school phoneHe asked if I needed them to call me with additional information about my appointment.

Again, I reminded him my phone didn’t work so that would be impossible, and again, he looked at me as if I wasn’t worthy of his time. And again, I wondered if he had ever been with a woman.

I was completely out of touch with the world until the afternoon, when I arrived back at the Apple store.  A new hipster was standing at the entrance.

Come to think of it, it could have been the same hipster.  I can’t seem to tell them apart as they seem to be interchangeable to me.  Like tennis shoes…or presidential candidates.

Again, I was refused entry into the super hip club that was the Apple store until I confirmed that I was on the VIP list appointment list.

Once my identity and status were confirmed, I was allowed to enter.  I expected to be patted down and fingerprinted, but I managed to get through the security check.

I think it was my “I will cut you” face that let me through.

finger print scanThe hipster told me to head to the back of the store to the Genius Bar and someone would be with me shortly.  A bar?!  Don’t mind if I do.  I mean, hey, it was afternoon and this girl could use a cocktail.

I wondered if the bar would include a special on apple flavored drinks, as it was the Apple store.  I began immediately craving an appletini, and headed to the back of the store.  I love a store that has liquor while you wait!

I arrived at the back of the store to find a bunch of hipsters behind a desk.  They were multiplying!!!

Clearly someone had gotten them wet and they were multiplying like gremlins.  I looked around for a sweet little Gizmo to try to combat the rapidly multiplying hipsters, but found only more hipsters.

5 finger scanI was surrounded.  And where was the bar?  Seriously?!

Telling a girl there’s a bar when there isn’t one should be considered a form of torture…..it’s worse than listening to Tyra Banks try to talk about anything other than herself.

I was approached by yet another hipster before I could reach “the bar” which was really just a counter with a bunch of douche bags behind it.

If that was their idea of a bar, I’d hate to see what their idea of a party was.  Although judging by the employees, I have a feeling their parties include wizard costumes and Dungeons and Dragons lingo.

The new hipster asked me if I had an appointment.  I told her I did and she confirmed with her high tech iPad 2 and found my name.

She gave me the nod to advise that I was allowed to move on to the next phase of the process.  Access granted!

girl and chalk boardShe told me to have a seat and one of the geniuses would be along to help me shortly.  Geniuses?!  Really?  Yeah, let’s call them that, because those employees definitely don’t already have an ego.  Frickety frick.

Why don’t we just call them “Masters of the universe?”  Maybe “The chosen ones?”

I headed to one of the stools and sat down.  Seriously Apple?!  You couldn’t just do regular chairs with a back on them?

I have to have an ab workout while I wait to be scolded by a pretentious employee who will undoubtedly accuse me of breaking my device?  Really?!

I sat down and waited for one of the geniuses, all the while wondering how none of these geniuses were smart enough to figure out that people prefer actual chairs over wooden stools.

My appointment time came and went, and I continued to flex my abs while sitting on the hard stool, all the while growing more irritated with the entire place.  I looked around to see Apple employees everywhere.

man thinking on stoolThey were swarming.  And all of them had on ear pieces like they were in the Secret Service.

I half expected to see Obama himself walk out of the back room, although I’m sure even the president of the free world wouldn’t have been granted access to the back half of the store without an appointment.

And why did these idiots need the headgear?  I was sure it was just a way for them to play Halo easier when they went on break.

Finally, my very own hipster walked over to me and asked if I was Lisa.  I had never been so excited to have my name called.

Well, except for in the third grade when the teacher called the names of those students that didn’t have head lice and I was among them.  Yeah, I take great care of my scalp.

He asked me what the problem was and I told him no one could hear me on my phone.  Considering the fact that I’m loud and my neighbors down the street can hear me talk, I told him I knew it was the phone.

download updateImmediately, he looked at me with judgement in his eyes and asked if I had done something to the phone to make it not work.  I told him that I didn’t know what happened, but it just stopped working.

He then told me it was probably because I didn’t update my iPhone regularly, sighed, and began the update.

I waited for him to send me to the principal’s office, but the hipster clearly wasn’t a fan of order (or a razor), so he allowed me to stay on the uncomfortable stool.

He ran the updates along with a few other tests and then told me my phone was broken.  Ah ha!  That’s why they called them geniuses!

He said I needed a new phone.  Um, wasn’t that what I told Douche #1 that morning when the store opened?  Obviously I was genius enough to work there, although I didn’t have the condescending attitude or the skinny leg jeans.

Because nothing in my life can be easy, I told him my phone was a work phone so I needed to talk to my tech people.

phone key padHe told me to call them, and once again I reminded him I couldn’t call them because my phone didn’t work.

Was this a difficult concept to grasp?  I asked to use a phone, and he looked at me as if I had shattered his universe (or his record at Mario Cart).

It took him about 5 minutes to locate a phone I could use, and then I spent the next 20 minutes on the phone with my work.

Halfway through the phone call, the “genius” came back and said he didn’t want to be rude, but he needed to go on break.  Even though he clearly thought he was better than me, apparently he was on a very strict break schedule with his manager.

So he left me sitting on the wooden stool, uncomfortable, and wondering which replacement douche I would get.  Then I realized that he didn’t even get me a replacement douche…much like he didn’t get me a replacement phone.

Some genius!  I asked several hipsters who were far too important to help me, but eventually I got a girl to help me.

woman frustrated on phoneShe appeared to be about 15 and I felt sure she was skipping her spelling test to work at the store.  She may not know proper grammar, but she was able to help me with my new phone.

As soon as it was set up, I practically ran out of the store as fast as I could.  And since you know I don’t run, I really just walked.

I got to the car and was completely irritated that it took all afternoon to address this issue, and I was even more irritated that I was treated so poorly.

I may not be a hipster, but I’m someone who has several Apple products and I thought maybe that would give me some street cred at the store.  Obviously not.

Next time I will put in my spacer earrings, tight jeggings and Converse shoes.  Maybe then I would get better service…or at least a partner to play Words With Friends.