I’m currently out of town for work, and am staying in yet another hotel. Lately I feel like I’m always in and out of hotels, and am beginning to know how a prostitute feels with all these room keys, although I’m not getting screwed for money, and I wear sensible shoes.
Since I’ve been in and out of hotel rooms, I’ve noticed there are several things the hotel doesn’t provide that I think they should (for starters, a cabana boy would be great). Here’s a list of some of the things I think hotels should provide in their rooms to make a guest’s stay more pleasant.
Do hotels across America believe that people who care enough about their hair to go through a two step cleansing process wouldn’t care at all about whether their teeth are clean?
What does this say about the state of oral hygiene in this country? Do hotels believe that when we take a vacation from our lives, we also take a vacation from our dental responsibilities? I think not!
Quite honestly, I would prefer to sit next to someone on an airplane that went a day without washing their hair rather than someone who didn’t brush their teeth, especially if that person had braunschweiger for a snack.
If most people are like me, in the morning my mouth tastes like some sort of mammal took a shit in it, rolled around in it, and then doused it with urine.
I need my precious Colgate to make that taste go away. But then again, I live in the Midwest, where meth is king, teeth are scarce, and people have an entire collection of Star Wars on VHS but don’t have any of their molars…or incisors.
Towels that are larger than a cocktail napkin
There’s nothing like drying off from a sup-par shower with minimal water pressure only to discover the towel is the approximate thickness of the 2 ply toilet paper they provide.
I’d have more success drying myself off using the 5 watt hair dryer they provide for my use than I would actually using a towel to dry myself.
I’ve never been to a hotel where I’ve felt like the towels were new. Do they ever have new towels or are they just perpetually old and crusty?
If hotel towels were people, they would be the 87 year olds in the nursing home with see-through skin and bald spots.
Chapstick for the dry air
I’m pretty sure I’m not a moron and know how to take a shower without getting my hair wet, if need be.
Who actually uses those shower caps at a hotel? (Aside from your crazy uncle who steals them from the room and uses them to make his spaceship).
How about instead of worthless shower caps that look like the user is going to perform an appendectomy, you provide some Chapstick for your guests?
The stale air in the rooms is enough to suck the moisture out of just about anything, including my drink…which explains why so much liquor is used on my trips. It’s definitely the evaporation.
When I leave from a hotel stay and forget my tube of Chapstick, I look like every woman in Hollywood, with my red swollen lips.
Ear plugs to ignore the neighbors
Depending on where I have to go for work, some of the hotels where I stay are old and the walls are thin.
Although I love to eavesdrop on conversations in everyday life, I don’t want to listen to the pay per view going on in the room next door with the salesman who is comprised of 2 parts whiskey, one part desperation and one part Stetson. No thank you.
I especially don’t want to hear his reaction when he discovers that Missy has been a naughty school girl.
Turn down the volume on that TV and call an escort…or maybe your mom, as clearly she didn’t give you enough attention as a child.
Cleaning supplies to sanitize the room
I never feel like the rooms are clean, and I treat each room like a haz-mat sight. If I had a full haz-mat suit I would wear it around the room, as I’m sure the germs in a hotel room could wipe out a small nation if used properly.
At least if cleaning supplies were left in the room I could do some of my own cleaning and feel like I wasn’t walking around on years of dead skin cells and hooker DNA.
I’m pretty sure the inside of a hotel shower has never met Mr. Clean.
Scented room spray
A few pumps of room spray might actually make me believe I’m in a tropical location instead of a dive hotel in Des Moines where the desk clerk is 27 and working to put her kid through college.
Although it wouldn’t completely make me believe I was somewhere else, as the domestic abuse going on next door would remind me of my location, at least it would cover up the pungent smell in the room.
that may or may not be a product of some of my own gas…
These are just a few suggestions I have for hotels for freebies, although this list is certainly not complete.
It’s a good start, and it might make the room feel a bit more homey and comfortable. But seriously, if they can’t do this, I would be fine with a cabana boy…it would be a good start.