hotel bed

I’m currently out of town for work, and am staying in yet another hotel.  Lately I feel like I’m always in and out of hotels, and am beginning to know how a prostitute feels with all these room keys, although I’m not getting screwed for money, and I wear sensible shoes.

Since I’ve been in and out of hotel rooms, I’ve noticed there are several things the hotel doesn’t provide that I think they should (for starters, a cabana boy would be great).  Here’s a list of some of the things I think hotels should provide in their rooms to make a guest’s stay more pleasant.

Toothpaste

toothbrush with pasteThis seems like a no-brainer, but apparently it’s not.  Every hotel I go to has complimentary shampoo and conditioner, but no toothpaste.

Do hotels across America believe that people who care enough about their hair to go through a two step cleansing process wouldn’t care at all about whether their teeth are clean?

What does this say about the state of oral hygiene in this country?  Do hotels believe that when we take a vacation from our lives, we also take a vacation from our dental responsibilities?  I think not!

Quite honestly, I would prefer to sit next to someone on an airplane that went a day without washing their hair rather than someone who didn’t brush their teeth, especially if that person had braunschweiger for a snack.

If most people are like me, in the morning my mouth tastes like some sort of mammal took a shit in it, rolled around in it, and then doused it with urine.

I need my precious Colgate to make that taste go away.  But then again, I live in the Midwest, where meth is king, teeth are scarce, and people have an entire collection of Star Wars on VHS but don’t have any of their molars…or incisors.

Towels that are larger than a cocktail napkin

towelsI’m definitely a larger gal, but is it too much to ask for a towel that wraps at least half way around my body?  Or maybe a towel that isn’t see-through?

There’s nothing like drying off from a sup-par shower with minimal water pressure only to discover the towel is the approximate thickness of the 2 ply toilet paper they provide.

I’d have more success drying myself off using the 5 watt hair dryer they provide for my use than I would actually using a towel to dry myself.

I’ve never been to a hotel where I’ve felt like the towels were new. Do they ever have new towels or are they just perpetually old and crusty?

If hotel towels were people, they would be the 87 year olds in the nursing home with see-through skin and bald spots.

Chapstick for the dry air

putting on lipstickThis would be a nice complimentary item that would actually get good use, as opposed to the shower cap that’s provided instead.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a moron and know how to take a shower without getting my hair wet, if need be.

Who actually uses those shower caps at a hotel? (Aside from your crazy uncle who steals them from the room and uses them to make his spaceship).

How about instead of worthless shower caps that look like the user is going to perform an appendectomy, you provide some Chapstick for your guests?

The stale air in the rooms is enough to suck the moisture out of just about anything, including my drink…which explains why so much liquor is used on my trips.  It’s definitely the evaporation.

When I leave from a hotel stay and forget my tube of Chapstick, I look like every woman in Hollywood, with my red swollen lips.

Ear plugs to ignore the neighbors

quietThis is something I would greatly appreciate, although please note my request is for disposable ear plugs.  I don’t need someone else’s ear jam crammed in my ears.

Depending on where I have to go for work, some of the hotels where I stay are old and the walls are thin.

Although I love to eavesdrop on conversations in everyday life, I don’t want to listen to the pay per view going on in the room next door with the salesman who is comprised of 2 parts whiskey, one part desperation and one part Stetson.  No thank you.

I especially don’t want to hear his reaction when he discovers that Missy has been a naughty school girl.

Turn down the volume on that TV and call an escort…or maybe your mom, as clearly she didn’t give you enough attention as a child.

Cleaning supplies to sanitize the room

cleaning stuffYou know the cleaning women didn’t do it, as I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pubic hair on the floor of the restroom that has been there since the 1990s.

I never feel like the rooms are clean, and I treat each room like a haz-mat sight.  If I had a full haz-mat suit I would wear it around the room, as I’m sure the germs in a hotel room could wipe out a small nation if used properly.

At least if cleaning supplies were left in the room I could do some of my own cleaning and feel like I wasn’t walking around on years of dead skin cells and hooker DNA.

I’m pretty sure the inside of a hotel shower has never met Mr. Clean.

Scented room spray

maid sprayingThis would really help make the room feel more homey, and it would also cover up the smell of coitus and old man farts and subtle desperation.

A few pumps of room spray might actually make me believe I’m in a tropical location instead of a dive hotel in Des Moines where the desk clerk is 27 and working to put her kid through college.

Although it wouldn’t completely make me believe I was somewhere else, as the domestic abuse going on next door would remind me of my location, at least it would cover up the pungent smell in the room.

that may or may not be a product of some of my own gas…

These are just a few suggestions I have for hotels for freebies, although this list is certainly not complete.

It’s a good start, and it might make the room feel a bit more homey and comfortable.  But seriously, if they can’t do this, I would be fine with a cabana boy…it would be a good start.

Today was the day.  Picture day.  Since I’m going to be a totally famous columnist.  Okay, maybe not totally famous…more like “Don’t you know who I am?” kind of famous.

I had to get my picture taken.  My photo will run in newspapers across the country alongside what we can only assume will be an amazingly hilarious column, assuming I don’t fail miserably at this task.

I tried to convince the powers that be that I didn’t need to have my photo taken, as readers across America don’t know what I look like, nor do they need to.

I suggested simply substituting a photo of a very attractive woman with great hair and only one chin.  Sure, it would be a fleecing of America to some extent, but no more than Milli Vanilli did when they alleged they sang those catchy tunes.

Bah bah bah bah, Baby….don’t forget my numba…

girl taking pictureMy request to use a body double, or really just a head shot double, was denied.  Frickety Frick.  We scheduled the photo shoot for the morning, as I’m very important and had places to be, like the Starbucks down the street for my latte.

I didn’t know what to expect for this photo shoot.  Would it be like my third grade pictures where I got to choose the background?

The shooting laser background was bad ass and really showed off my mall bangs.  Or maybe it would be in front of a green screen and I could decide what my background would be.  Polar bears.  Duh.

Would there be props?  Would I be required to hold a writing utensil to show people I’m a writer?  Maybe hold a scribe?

Okay, I’ll admit that I have no idea what a scribe is.  I also wondered if the creepy photographer would be there handing out free combs and asking how many wallet sized photos I wanted.

Thinking about all these possibilities made me nervous, especially since I hadn’t picked out what package I wanted.

picture framesHow many pictures did I want to order?  I mean, I would need at least 20 wallet sized photos to pass out to my friends so I could write “LYLAS” on the back along with my super sassy signature.  (It means love you like a sis.  Try to keep up).

And did I want to order an 8×10 for my office?  I had so many questions and I only hoped the photographer would have package options available.

I also hoped he had a stuffed animal he could use to make me laugh.  Only the best photographers do.

When I arrived at the photo shoot, I headed to the lobby of the building and looked around for the hair and make up station.

I’ve watched enough episodes of America’s Next Top Model to know that before the shoot you must first go to hair and make up where 15 fabulous men (all named Jay), primp and prod and work on your every flaw.

After a few hours with them, I knew I would emerge as a beautiful goddess.  I also knew this was true, because I’ve seen Kim Kardashian before she has her hair and make up done, and she looks like a methed-up hooker who’s been on a serious bender.

hair style productsObviously the hair and make up was in a different room.

I walked around trying to find where I was supposed to be, and was greeted by the photographer.

Immediately I noticed she didn’t have a toy monkey, nor did she have a stuffed animal of any kind.  Obviously this photographer wasn’t legit.

Her wind up camera from Walgreens also suggested she wasn’t the expert she asserted she was.  Clearly this woman was the assistant, and the ridiculously famous photographer would be along shortly.

I asked where the hair and make up station was located and the imitation photographer looked at me as if I was crazy.  She said there was no hair and make up station.

Um, what?!  How can that be?  How can we have a photo shoot without hair and make up?  I then asked where the wardrobe department was, as I wanted to put on something a bit more comfortable as the skirt I was wearing was digging into my gut.

Maybe I should have laid off the cake pops.  I didn’t want to appear uncomfortable in the picture, as I feared it would read as constipated.

little girl taking pictureThe constipated look wouldn’t be wrong, as I had a banana earlier that morning, but I wasn’t yet ready to announce to the world that I had stomach issues.

However,  I’m pretty sure any person whose been around me more than 10 minutes discovers that fact the hard way…assuming they have a sense of smell.

She shattered my dream of a comfortable skirt when she told me there was no wardrobe department as well.  What kind of photo shoot was this?

Hadn’t she watched TV to know that photo shoots require approximately 100 assistants doting over the star (me)?  This lady had a lot to learn about being a photographer’s assistant.

Surely they would have craft services even if they didn’t have hair and makeup or wardrobe.

This girl loves to eat, and the thought of free food laid out for me for consumption on the photo shoot made me very excited.  If I’m being perfectly honest, the craft services table is what motivated me to go to the photo shoot that morning…I wanted some peanut M&Ms.

And then the photographer not only crushed my dreams, she stomped all over them and spit on their remains, much like what Hollywood did to Kristin Cavallari’s career.

kid taking picture of daadShe told me there was no craft services, and we were just snapping a few pictures for the newspapers.

WHAT?!  “Snapping a few pictures?”  Wasn’t this a professional shoot for my coming out as a major celebrity?

Charlize Theron wouldn’t be treated this way and neither would I.  I think Charlize Theron would have better treatment because not only is she beautiful, but I’m still a little afraid of her after seeing Monster and I think everyone else is too.

I sighed and decided that I just wanted to get these pictures over as soon as possible so I could get on with my super fabulous life, and make sweet love to a blueberry scone from Starbucks.

The assistant photographer turned out to be the actual photographer which was disappointing because when I arrived I handed her my coat and asked her to be a lamb and grab me a latte.  It made for a very awkward transition into working together.

After she got me my latte and hung up my coat, we proceeded with the photo shoot, if you could call it that.

photo albumShe stood on top of a chair and told me to face the window and turn my head sideways.  I did as she instructed, knowing I looked ridiculous, and probably a little demented.

She then told me to look serious so she could get a few of those shots.  Considering the photographer was wearing a hair scrunchie from the 1990s, I found it quite difficult to keep a serious face, but I managed to do it…you know…for my fans.

After she took a few shots she told me we were done.  I asked where the next spot for the photo shoot would be, and she advised the photo shoot was over and I was free to go.

At first I was a little disappointed, as I was hoping for some outdoor shots, preferably under a waterfall.  However, then I realized that we didn’t need to take anymore pictures because clearly she got the perfect shot because I’m an amazing model.  Yeah, that must be it.

So now I wait for the photos to come back.  I’m sure she will print them out at Walgreens using a coupon from the internet.  Once she does that, I hope to be able to pick out which one I like the best.

Naturally, I will request she crop the photo to make me look 100 pounds thinner.  She can do that, right?  (Isn’t that what they do to Kirstie Alley?)

I don’t normally send out holiday cards because I’m lazy and hate buying stamps.  However, if these head shots turn out okay, you should be on the lookout for a wallet sized photo of this girl’s face coming to a mailbox near you.

I just hope they managed to Photoshop out the scone crumbs on my face…and the scowl I wore when I realized there were no M&Ms or other snack foods.