My brother and his wife are expecting their first baby, and naturally, I’ve decided to make their pregnancy all about me. Isn’t it?
Since I’m not planning on having children, I’m excited at the prospect of being an aunt and spoiling the child, and then returning him or her to my brother when the smell of poo permeates the air.
That that smell may or may not be from the baby.
Since I’ve never been an aunt before, I need to figure out what kind of aunt I want to be before the baby comes.
This isn’t something I want to play by ear, as my role will clearly have a large impact on this child’s life. Duh. I’m such a big deal.
I began thinking about what kind of aunt I want to be and determined the best way to decide would be to look to other aunts I’m familiar with and see if I can mold my behavior after them.
Here are a few of the aunts I looked to for guidance.
1. Aunt Jemima
One look at her smiling face and I can almost taste the delicious syrup that will send me into a food coma for the rest of the afternoon and begin my early onset of diabetes.
Although I would love to model my aunting style after Aunt Jemima, all I know about her is that she makes a mean syrup and she looks great in plaid.
But since I can’t so much rock the headscarf the way she can in her photo, I think I may have to pass on modeling myself after her. However, I will continue to purchase copious amounts of her syrup and pour it on everything from toast to stir fry.
2. The aunts from Sabrina the Teenage Witch
These crazy aunts lived together and performed magic, all the while raising their niece. Although I’ve been known to be a bit of a witch at times (just ask my college roommates, or anyone who wears Teva sandals in my presence), I don’t think I’m this kind of witch.
Plus, these aunts always had a black cat hanging around and since I’m allergic to cats, I won’t be able to follow in their footsteps in that regard either.
The only magic I’m familiar with is Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser. However, I truly believe that eraser is pure voodoo, as my refrigerator handle has never looked so clean.
Maybe instead of actual magic, I could just learn card tricks instead. But then I’d probably be that creepy aunt who finds quarters behind people’s ears and has a purse with an endless supply of scarves tied together.
Nope. I don’t think I can follow in the footsteps of these magical shoes.
3. Aunt Fran from Mama’s Family
Mama’s Family is by far one of my favorite shows, and I still curse TBS for taking the reruns off the air and replacing it with approximately 100 episodes a day of Saved By The Bell. I’m not sure I am capable of modeling myself after Aunt Fran for a few reasons.
First, she was Mama’s younger sister, and I’m certainly not the younger sister in my scenario, although my youthful skin makes me look 5 years younger, thanks to Walgreen’s generic Oil of Olay cream.
I also can’t be Fran because she is uptight and a spinster, and I’m neither of those things. The only thing I’m uptight about is when the waiter fails to refill my drink, or when the waitress at Red Lobster skimps me on the butter rolls.
Do I look like someone who only wants 3 rolls? Pu-lease.
Perhaps what’s most disturbing about Aunt Fran is that she choked on a toothpick and died at The Bigger Jigger bar. Although I love the name of the establishment where she spent her last moments, I don’t want my life to end choking on an item that isn’t food.
If I must go choking on something, I want it to be a cheesecake covered in chocolate, not a piece of pointy wood. Sorry Fran, but I’m moving on. May you rest in peace.
4. Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show
I could take after Aunt Bee in the pie category, but would prefer to purchase them in the frozen food section and claim the large purchase is for the party I’m hosting.
In reality, of course, it would be for my night at home alone watching reruns of The Biggest Loser.
However, there is no way I will regularly wear a dress the way Aunt Bee did, unless my new niece or nephew wants to refer to my stained bathrobe as my “fancy dress” that falls open from time to time.
Aunt Bee was also known as “Aunt” throughout Mayberry, and I’m not sure I will take this title to that extreme, as I don’t think my disheveled appearance and vodka breath scream “loving parental figure.”
And that’s another thing; Aunt Bee didn’t drink liquor. Well that most certainly won’t be me.
Rather, my niece or nephew will probably refer to my glass of clear liquid as “Auntie’s medicine” and will know that after a few doses, she passes out and farts uncontrollably.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I can model myself after Aunt Bee at all. I’m way too mouthy, and entirely too gassy.
5. Auntie Anne
Nothing says “I love you” quite like carbs covered in butter and topped with cinnamon and sugar.
Come to think of it, that might be the photo greeting on my Christmas cards this year, as it encapsulates everything I represent. I’ve not met Auntie Anne personally, but I frequent her store quite regularly, and if I had to guess, she is quite sassy and smells like buttermilk.
I could be this type of aunt, only instead of smelling like buttermilk, I would smell like cashews and dog hair.
We definitely have the love of carbs in common, which is a good thing, and how I usually determine who my friends will be.
I just don’t trust someone who doesn’t love carbs.
After looking to these inspirational aunts, I’ve decided that although I love syrup and carbs, and I prefer to steer clear of toothpicks after Aunt Fran’s demise, I am going to be the only aunt I know how to be…which is to just be myself.
I realize this is probably scary to my brother and his wife, as I’m sure they don’t want their child’s role model to be a dog lover who considers the buffet at Ponderosa to be her happy place.
But I can only be myself, and I hope my niece or nephew will love me for it no matter what. They better….or they won’t make it into my will, and I know there will be a fight over my collection of cups with naughty photos on them.