kids yellingI feel like complaining.  Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the protesting going on across the nation, or maybe it’s because I know the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks will be going away soon.  So long my dear, sweet friend.

Whatever the reason, I’ve decided to pick up where I left off with my last set of grievances and do a second round of Occupy My Couch.  So let the airing of grievances commence!  (To be yelled in Frank Costanza’s voice)

Why is it that fat men on TV are always with smoking hot women?

woman in dot patternThis always seems to blow my mind, and when I was single, it certainly didn’t give me hope for the future.

Fortunately, I managed to snag a hot thin guy, which I suppose makes me the fat, gross one in the relationship….wait…I don’t like that.  Would an example better demonstrate my point?  I thought so.

Although I loved King of Queens, I had difficulty believing the relationship between husband and wife.

Are the American viewers really supposed to believe that a 90 pound, adorable Carrie Heffernon would really go out with a 300 pound delivery driver who eats constantly and sweats in places I didn’t know existed?

How dumb do they think we are? Considering the fact that 2 Broke Girls is still on the air, it’s clear we actually are fairly dumb.

However, I’m pretty sure if this was a real life scenario, Doug would approach Carrie at a bar and offer her a PBR and a plate of wings.

holding hands2That’s certainly the way to this girl’s heart, but most likely not hers.  She would reject him in a second, and if he didn’t leave immediately, she would have him kicked out of the bar.

I just don’t believe she’s madly in love with him. Why don’t TV shows tell it like it really is?

Two semi-attractive people get drunk in a bar, make some bad decisions, and a miserable marriage is born, complete with a Hydrocodone addiction and an active subscription to Playboy.

Now that’s an American marriage!  I would watch that show, most likely while noshing on wings and PBR).

Why must they call these new phones “smart phones?”

I know I sound like an old woman, and maybe I am, but I don’t like the description of “smart phone” for a phone that does several things.

Not so much that I don’t agree that the phone is smart, but because I feel bad for the other phones. Does that mean the other phones are dumb?

blackberryIf someone is rocking a Nokia flip phone circa 2006, does that mean their phone is stupid?  Was there an IQ test given to determine which phones are smart and which ones aren’t?  What did that test entail?

And why is it deemed a smart phone simply because it has the ability to email,call, text, and save Jimmy from the well? Does that really make it smart, or just a good mulit tasker?

My shift manager at my high school job was a great multi tasker, but I’m pretty sure she couldn’t figure out how to open a box of condoms, which is why she was constantly knocked up, and unpleasant.

two girls on phonesSo the ability to multi task doesn’t automatically make someone smart.  It just makes them efficient.

Hence, I refuse to refer to them as “smart phones.”

Rather, I shall call them efficiency phones, because that’s what they are.

I realize this suggests they come with a toilet in the kitchen and a landlord whose done prison time for cat porn, but I still think the moniker is better than “smart phone.”

Why do only a few types of restaurants deliver food?

You knew at least one of these complaints would be about food.  Come on.  I will never understand why only a limited type of food establishments deliver food to my door.

Granted, Domino’s has removed me from their delivery schedule because of a recent incident involving profanity and a threat of “cutting” the supervisor, but who could blame me?  They forgot my chocolate lava cakes.  Totally justified.

delivery guy1 I can’t tell you how many nights a week I’m lazy and wish someone would deliver me some enchiladas and cheese with a side of lasagna.

Why is it that only pizza, Chinese food and Jimmy John’s deliver?  Okay, I get it with Jimmy John’s.  They are “freaky fast.”

But I don’t want a Turkey Tom every day of my life…just on Thursdays.  And is it that hard to believe that someone who is too lazy to leave their house to get dinner would want a different type of fatty food other than straight carbs?

Wait…I don’t really want anything but carbs…I just want carbs smothered in melted cheese.  Whatever.

I realize it doesn’t make sense to have salads delivered to your door.  I mean, what idiot would order a salad for dinner?!  An asshole, that’s who.

I just can’t believe that in a country where we can program our DVR from the toilet to record Gossip Girl.  Don’t judge. XOXO.

A girl can’t get some chips and salsa delivered to her doorstep for a reasonable charge.  How un-American!

Until I get the answers to some of these very important questions (and a comfortable bra), I will continue to occupy my couch (bra less), and I will do so with pride…and with pizza and Jimmy John’s in my hand.  Together we stand…..er….sit!

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