yell with megaphone

Occupy Wall street has received a lot of attention over the months for its supporters’ protests and signage.  As someone who works downtown in a city where the protesters congregate, I’ve noticed that some of the signs complain of legitimate problems, such as unemployment and health care.

However, some of the signs are random and completely irrelevant, as I’m confident that although some may not like our city’s mayor, he really isn’t a vampire.

suit guy on couchI’ve seen him at night…eating garlic.  Back off.

So in the spirit of Occupy Wall Street, I decided to make a list of some of my issues and problems.  I can’t make a sign and stand in protest all day, as my job actually expects me to work all day (can you believe it?).

That, and I’m lazy and don’t want to stand for hours holding a sign.  That seems too much like work, or exercise, and I’m not a fan of either.  Instead, I will write some of my grievances here.

Hardly anyone will see this post, but at least it doesn’t require me to use poster board and glitter.

Here it goes:

Why don’t shampoo and conditioner bottles have the same amount of product in each of them?

tub with bubblesHow is it that I can purchase 24 ounces of shampoo, but only 16 ounces of conditioner?

Shouldn’t they be the same sized bottles?

I mean, I have the same amount of hair on my head to both wash and condition.  Is Biolage suggesting I could use more shampoo because my hair is in need of more cleaning than conditioning?

This is most likely true, as I often find my hair has a few strands covered in mascara and a few strands covered with some sort of dipping sauce.

And why is this done by all brands, not just Biolage?  Paul Mitchell is in on it too, which I would suspect, as I don’t trust a guy with hair that nice.

This rule also applies to Antonio Banderas.  No one trustworthy has locks like that.

I’m not into doing math, so the different sizes and ounces is frustrating, as I can never properly calculate how many shampoos and conditioners to buy at once.

Instead, I miscalculate, run out of one of them, and improvise by using Noxema as a substitute.

It doesn’t make a great conditioner, but I smell like candy canes all day, so I’m usually happy.

Why do all shows go to commercial at the same time?

girl with tvCan’t a girl flip back and forth between House Hunters and Project Runway without always finding commercials on both channels at the same time?  Is it that much to ask?

Apparently it is, as clearly HGTV and USA Network are out to get me.

I refuse to watch commercials, as the ads will simply remind me that I need to do laundry, clean my house, or go for my yearly prostate exam.

Wait..that last one might not be right…

Instead, I will head to the refrigerator for ice cream on these commercial breaks and boycott the advertising entirely.  Ha!  Joke’s on them.

However, if I keep heading to the fridge for ice cream, I may need to watch some commercials about laxatives and weight loss pills.

Either way, this conspiracy just makes me use my DVR more, which allows me to leave the house for a trip to Dairy Queen, so I guess everyone wins.

Why is The George Lopez show on nearly 24 hours a day?

Photo credit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:GeorgeLopezsitcomcast.jpg

Photo credit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki
/File:GeorgeLopezsitcomcast.jpg

I like a good sit com about an alcoholic mom who likes to hoe it up with the men, but how is this show syndicated?  Was there a buy one episode get the rest of them free special?

If there was, that’s obviously why Nick at Nite plays these shows constantly; although I can’t imagine it generates a lot of revenue.  I suspect the only people who watch this show are immigrants and drunk people, or sometimes a combination of the two.

And yet, I find myself getting sucked in every time I hear the theme song.  And why is the theme song “Low Rider?”  Couldn’t they come up with a less offensive stereotypical song?

And the characters are jumping on a trampoline?  Really?  That’s all you could come up with for the opening credits?

Someone was clearly stoned when that concept was created, most likely over a bag of Doritos and a pound of M&Ms.

Why must Facebook constantly confuse me with their format changes?

I’m a simple girl.  I need something that’s easy on the eyes and easy to use (like Jake Gyllenhaal).

Photo credit: http://www.jakegyllenhaal.com/

Photo credit:
http://www.jakegyllenhaal.com/

For instance, if I’m in a meeting or don’t want to talk to someone, I will look at Facebook on my phone, furrow my brow and shake my head. 

I like to think this makes people think I’m reading an important email, but I may just look like I’m constipated and in denial about my bowel issues. 

So thanks to Facebook and my confusion over where my status updates are located, the community as a whole thinks I constantly have to use the restroom and that I’m always irritated.  

Wait, that might not be too far off. 

Whenever anything gets complicated and requires me to think, I lose interest.  That’s why I have yet to update my iPhone despite having it for several years.

It may run at a snail’s pace, (which is faster than I can physically run), but I know where everything is and how to use it (as does my 5 year old neighbor, as that b#@$# always changes my password).

But Facebook seems to change their format every time I log on.  Okay, maybe not every time I log on, as I seem to use it fairly regularly as a decoy for my importance.

Why does “top shelf” liquor literally have to be on the top shelf?

shelfYou knew at least one of my complaints would involve liquor didn’t you?  It’s no surprise that I like my vodka.

If you haven’t figured that out by now, you are either an idiot, or drunk on whiskey, and I don’t know which one is worse.  How can people drink that stuff?

I’m also a vodka snob, and like the expensive stuff.  Of course, I have no problem buying a purse, underwear and salad dressing from the same clearance bin at Walmart, but I like my vodka to be of the highest quality.  I mean, I have standards after all.

My beef (mmmm…..) isn’t with the high price of the delicious goodness, it’s with the location of the product.

I realize they call it “top shelf” liquor, but must they really put it on the top shelf?  (My parents put it on all their shelves.  I have photos.)

I mean, we have a Chinese restaurant down the street and I’m pretty sure no one from China would come near that cuisine, nor would they claim it.

Don’t liquor stores know they don’t have to be literal about the location?  It can be “top shelf” and be located on the middle shelf, strategically between the Hershey’s Kisses and the Tylenol P.M.

Doesn’t everyone buy those three things together?

guy with signNow  I’m not one to overexert myself when reaching, unless I’m reaching for ice cream…or Joel McHale, so I don’t want to have to utilize any energy reaching for my beloved liquor.  I want it to be in an easily accessible location.

Come to think of it, I would prefer to just drive through and pick it up…or have it delivered to me at home, and then served chilled with water and a lime, and a new episode of Project Runway.

No one should have to work to get good liquor.  Put it on the middle shelf.  I may be working class, but not when it comes to my drinks.

Okay, I guess I will stop my complaining for now, but I have a feeling I will complain more later, so stand by.  At least this way I don’t have to stand in the rain with a sign.

Rather, I can do my complaining sans bra and contacts…the way our forefathers intended it.

3 Thoughts on “Occupy my couch…a list of grievances

  1. Freekin’ cracks me up! Love the idea…I was wondering about Facebook too! The conditioner, yeah, I’ll never understand that, thanks for shedding light on these 🙂

  2. There’s a gas station in Cape Girardeau that has a drive through….you can totally buy liquor from there. I believe there’s also one in Fenton. This has brought up two (what I find to be quite obvious) questions that I constantly ask myself. 1. Why would one purchase liquor ANYWHERE other than these two fine establishments, and 2. Why do more of these fine establishments not exist?? Any light you could shine on this for me?? Maybe you and your hubby should open one?!

  3. Anonymous on November 16, 2011 at 11:02 pm said:

    Conditioner comes in lower quantities because a) by volume it contains less water than shampoo and is therefore more concentrated. Additionally conditioner contains lightweight oils so it emulsifies where shampoo lathers. b). Because it is advisable to NOT wash your hair everday (unless you have an oily scalp or sweat a lot) in order to thouroughly cleanse your hair you must “lather, rinse, repeat”! That’s because the first lather opens the cuticle and break up surface oils and the seconds removes the dirt and oil beneath the cuticle!

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