I have finally started to recover from the news of Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries.
Is that his name? I think it’s interchangeable with “Douchey mooch who doesn’t want to do anything and relies on others for everything.” Oh wait, that’s all of the Kardashian family…
And stop with the baby face act. We all know you’re anything but innocent, and I’m pretty sure a sex tape is going to emerge any day with you as the leading man…and it’s gonna be with another dude. Just sayin’…
So to better handle my grief, I decided to come up with a few men that Kim should date now that she is single. I also wanted to avoid productivity, so I succeeded in both.
Here they are:
1. Hugh Hefner
They would make a perfect match because this old guy is used to plastic people with no personality.
Just look at Bridget…and Kendra…and Holly…and every woman who walks through those mansion doors.
And yet they all seem to have reality shows on E! (I’m sure that’s just a coincidence…
Come to think of it, is Hugh still alive, or is he just a wax figure that is taken to various events wearing a smoking jacket and skin as old as time?
It looks like his face is melting off, which is either a sign of really old age, or a sign that his wax figure sat a little too close to the fire. My money’s on the latter.
2. Stephen Hawking
Bear with me on this.
I realize this is a strange combination and probably offense to the genius Stephen Hawking is, but I think it would work.
He is most likely the smartest man on the planet and Kim is most likely the dumbest woman on the planet. Together, they would even out to one somewhat intelligent human.
He is also a generous and self-less man who cares about others and furthering society. Kim is the precise opposite, as her primary concern is whether her mascara is waterproof.
Not when she cries, as she’s incapable of emotion, but when the goes to the beach.
Perhaps the combination of his generosity and her narcissism would balance the world out, and make her less despicable. Wait…he’s a genius but not a magician.
I also think Kim would find his computerized voice intoxicating because her voice sounds like a robot, and she is clearly in love with herself, so it’s destined to work.
Poor Stephen would most likely prefer to pour acid on his brain than spend an afternoon with her, but he may reconsider after he sees a clip of her sex tape.
3. Lou Ferrigno
The former “Incredible Hulk” is the perfect match for Kim Kardashian, not only because he is big and muscular, and has the IQ of a ham sandwich, but also because he is almost completely deaf.
The best way to be around Kim Kardashian is with her on mute. It’s how I watch every episode of her show.
It’s not like she says anything of value anyway, and her voice pierces my ears and makes me want to stab my eyeballs out with a butter knife.
Yes, a butter knife.
My concern with this coupling is that together they will create a mammoth super idiot, and the world might not be ready for that.
After all, we already have Tori Spelling. I’m not sure the world could handle another.
4. The CEO of any make up company
What you’ve seen is several layers of makeup approximately 2 inches thick, which covers her face and makes a paste.
I’m pretty sure no one knows what she actually looks like, as her make up is caked on so thick. (Mmmm…cake).
She would probably do best with the CEO of a make up company so she could get her bronzer for free, and in bulk.
Or maybe she should hook up with the creator of Proactive. I’m pretty sure with the pounds of powder that woman goes through in a week, her pores are less than clear.
5. Sir Mix A Lot
He likes big butts. And he cannot lie. What more of a reason do you need? Look at that face. He’s so believable.
Everyone agrees that Kim’s butt is a large one. It’s the elephant in the room but it must be addressed.
Seriously, it’s an elephant, or at least a growth that might be cancerous and need to be surgically removed. If only the same removal could be done to Scott Disick from Kourtney’s ass.
Obviously Sir Mix A Lot would make a great guy for Kim as he likes big butts. What is also enticing about him is that he is a self proclaimed honest man. He admits himself that he cannot lie.
I would think that would be a great trait to have in a boyfriend, although for her, this might not be a good thing, as when she asks him “You don’t think I’m annoying, do you?” his answer might not be what she wants to hear.
If interested, Kim should dial 1-900-Mixalot, and kick them nasty thoughts.
Hopefully this list will give Kim a start on her new quest for yet another man.
She seems to have tapped out the football and basketball market, but there’s always squash players, or the bag boy at the local Whole Foods!