Today is Cyber Monday….a day where lazy couch-dwellers like myself are able to shop for deals on line without having to leave the comfort of our homes.  I’m far too important to be bothered with standing in line at a store for the newest Twilight t-shirt.

After all, now I’m an important columnist…and I already have my new shirt.  Team Jacob all the way.

Instead of leaving my house, I’d rather lay in bed (sans bra) and shop for bargains wearing nothing more than my bathrobe and pizza stains from my earlier snack.

Staying home is so much more comfortable, and it saves gas, which helps the environment.   What can I say?  I’m a giver, and no one judges me at home when I have gas.

Well, my dogs probably do, but since I feed them, they ignore it.

baby and laptopI’ve  never participated in Cyber Monday before, which I realize is shocking considering I love to shop and would prefer to do it without pants, although Target employees tend to look down on that behavior.

I’m pretty sure the Wal-Mart employees wouldn’t even notice.  This year I decided to try my hand mouse at Cyber Monday.

I decided to stock up on some of my favorite things since there were such great deals on line.  I assumed that everything sold on line was on sale for Cyber Monday…kind of like a yard sale for on line purchases.

Except on line there would be no lemonade stand and the creepy kid selling a Dixie cup of lemonade for a dollar.

Inflation my ass  kid, you’re robbing me blind!

Imagine my surprise when I realized that Cyber Monday isn’t nearly as all inclusive as the media would have you believe.

Here’s a few things I discovered are NOT on sale for Cyber Monday.

P0rn

sexy lady in hatI know, right?  Can you believe it?  How is porn not included in the Cyber Monday deals?  Honestly, that’s why I thought the internet was invented…so that down-trodden husbands everywhere could enjoy some time alone without having to purchase yet another VHS tape of Girls Gone Wild.

The internet and porn seem to go hand in hand…er…hand in…..wait….never mind.

Don’t the Cyber Monday people think that p0rn purchasers are entitled to some discounted merchandise on this cyber day of shopping?  Don’t they deserve a break too?

After a double shift at 711, shouldn’t they be allowed to vent their frustrations by watching a one legged woman make sweet love to her cable repair man?  Isn’t that the dream?

I would think that those regular internet porn purchasers deserve a break in fees, even if it’s just one day a year.  But then again, maybe not.

If they’re too stupid to realize there’s free p0rn on other sites, maybe they deserve to get the shaft on the deals.  (Pun intended).

Alcohol

champagne corkNaturally, when I heard of Cyber Monday, my first thought was liquor.  Of course, I can tell you that my first thought was of purchasing toys for little kids, or coats for the homeless, but you know I would be lying.

I immediately considered how much liquor I could purchase on line for a discounted price.  I poured myself some Grey Goose and decided to investigate further.

Unfortunately, I discovered that the alcohol providers weren’t feeling the holiday spirit, and none of them were interested in offering deals for Cyber Monday.

I would think the holidays, above all other times of year, would be the perfect time to offer deals on alcohol, as people everywhere require it to deal with their families for the holidays.

No, not everyone? It must just be my family then.

How dare they not reduce the price of my precious Grey Goose?  I need it to ensure I get through the season without  insulting my cousin’s shoes.

Seriously, they were ugly.

But I suppose the alcohol distributors are smarter than we give them credit for, and probably drunker too.  They obviously took a simple economics class and they understand the law of supply and demand.

Well played liquor.  But in my world, I demand a large supply of liquor, so keep it coming.  And yes, I will pay full price.  I’m a sucker.

Food

dog with bowlAfter my disappointment at the lack of sales on alcohol and porn, I decided to ease my pain with food.  I was confident that some food services would have Cyber Monday deals.

After all, there are lots of places where you can order your food on line.  Surely one of them would have a Cyber Monday deal.

I decided to try my go-to on line ordering spot: Domino’s.  Where else can I get a pizza, Diet Coke and a chocolate cake delivered to my door?

It also comes with a side of indigestion and heartburn.

I got on line and began placing my order on the website, making sure not to knock over my drink in the process.  After all, I just discovered I couldn’t get more vodka at a reduced price.

Imagine my surprise when I went to check out and the order was not immediately reduced simply because it’s Cyber Monday.

delivery guyDid Domino’s really expect me to pay full price for my food on Cyber Monday?

Didn’t they know that pizza is a staple for fat lazy people who don’t want to leave their house, and that’s what Cyber Monday is all about?

How dare they not provide at least a small discount for the holiday?

As I paid with my credit card, and upgraded to an extra large, I realized that Domino’s was smart not to join in on Cyber Monday. Much like the alcohol providers, it knows that people like me will always overpay for the luxury of being lazy and overweight.  It’s the American Way.

That’s as far as I got on the investigation of Cyber Monday.  All that searching made me tired and thirsty, so I gave up for the night.

Hopefully you all had better luck with the Cyber Monday deals.  If not, there is still time to grab a last minute bargain and have it shipped directly to my home.

And if you find a deal on liquor, find out if they can ship it by the case…hypothetically of course.

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