kids at halloween

It’s that time of year again.  The time when trick or treaters come door to door begging for candy, and slutty girls go from bar to bar begging for drinks, and whatever else they can get.

That’s right…it’s Halloween!!!

I decided that I would write a blog dedicated to some of the sluttiest and most ridiculous female Halloween costumes I’ve seen, mostly because I love an opportunity to pass judgement on those skinnier than me.

candy cornI must preface this blog post by saying that I am not above judgement myself, as I have been the girl I’m making fun of in this blog.  Albeit it was years ago and I was several dress sizes smaller.

I feel like that history gives me street cred to judge even more…because I’ve been there.  Also, I’m secretly jealous that I no longer have the svelte body to wear these costumes, so maybe I’m bitter.

Who cares?  I will grab a handful of bite-sized Butterfingers and get to writing.

1.  The slutty cop

handcuffsHow many barely dressed police officers have you seen protecting your streets?  Don’t police officers typically have a standard uniform they have to wear?

I’m pretty sure the uniform doesn’t come in a child’s size Medium.

Just a guess… And does this chick expect us to believe her uniform is legit?

Like she’s going to run down an alley to catch a criminal in those 8 inch heels.  Like she’s going to do any sort of running at all…she’s approximately 90 pounds and either has an eating disorder or a meth addiction.

whistleOkay, that’s probably not true, but it’s what gets me through the day.  I like to believe skinny people don’t work at being skinny, but have a disorder.  Let me have this.

I’m also sure that although this chick is rocking the look, I wouldn’t want to see most of our actual ladies in blue wearing this outfit.

Not to say all police women are heavy, but of the ones I’ve seen, I definitely wouldn’t want to witness any of them attempting to wear this get up.

I’m also quite confident if the police officers wore these outfits in prison, there would be a lot more assaults on officers and many more instances of “dropping the soap” in the shower.

2.  The slutty Native American

head dress

Now this is just offensive to the Native Americans.

Didn’t they have a rough enough time with the Europeans coming over, stealing their land, poisoning them, and building casinos on their space?

Must we now make fun of their culture with a slutty costume?

And where exactly is this Native American supposed to be residing?

I’m pretty sure they didn’t live in the tropics where it’s 100 degrees and sunny.  The chick in this costume would probably freeze to death if in her actual habitat, or at least be made fun of by her peers.

I’m also fairly confident Native Americans didn’t load on the eyeliner and red lip gloss, nor did they strike seductive poses while scantily clad.

This chick needs to take a history class and  pay attention this time instead of flirting for her  grade.

3.  The slutty Snow White

biting apple

Really?  Even the purist of Disney characters isn’t off limits?

Isn’t Snow White supposed to be pure as snow, not slutty as a hooker?  I used to watch this movie on VHS when I was a kid.

Yeah, we had VHS.  We were a big deal in the neighborhood.

In all the times I watched that movie I never once had a fear that Snow White’s nipple would pop out of her outfit when she bent over to pick flowers.  Nor do I ever remember staring at her midriff wondering if she used the Ab Roller to get that amazing stomach.

If Snow White was really so scantily clad, I’m sure the 7 Dwarfs would have done more for her than clean up the house and cook her a meal. their names also wouldn’t have been Sleepy and Doc.

They would have been Creepy and…well…you know what rhymes with Doc.

4.  The sexy school girl

A+

Which school did this girl attend?  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my Lutheran school where the girls couldn’t wear skorts because they were risque.

In what school is an acceptable uniform comprised of a midrift top and skirt that shows your butt cheeks?  Strike that.  What school other than 90210?

These slutty costumes usually have a matching top and skirt, if you can even call it a skirt.

And I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen a school girl uniform that is complete with a bustier.  Maybe that’s my small town upbringing, but in what universe is this a school girl?

When I was in grade school I was concerned if my classmates knew it was me stinking up the room with farts .  They didn’t.  I also worried if my sack lunch had a pudding cup in it.  It didn’t.

I definitely wasn’t concerned about my butt popping out of my skirt.  And what school girl wears stockings up to her thigh? This costume is creepy on so many levels, but mostly on the pedophile level.

I realize Brittney Spears sang Hit Me Baby One More Time in an outfit similar to this, but if a guy approached an actual school girl wearing this outfit, he would be hit one more time…with a restraining order…

5.  The sexy witch

witches hat

In what cartoon is a witch sexy?  Maybe in the same cartoon where Snow White is a hootchie and school girls wear next to nothing.

Aren’t witches typically mean and ugly with warts on their noses? Granted, I’m pretty sure this chick has warts, they’re just not on her nose.

I thought witches were supposed to be scary.  She isn’t so much scary as slutty, although I would be scared to see the amount of her annual income.

I suspect a free lance massage therapist doesn’t pay what you think it does, and those ads she puts on Craigslist don’t produce the clientele she’s looking for.

Where’s her broomstick?  Don’t all witches fly on broomsticks?  I see nothing resembling a broomstick, although I suspect that’s not the only thing she’s had between her legs.

I could go on and on with these costumes, but I’ve got better things to do…like raid the Halloween candy.

One Thought on “Ode to slutty Halloween costumes

  1. Awesome post! I loved it; especially the witch. I used to love to come to school dressed as a wicked witch…ask Matt. “Warts somewhere” HILARIOUS! 🙂

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