I’ve recently had some struggles with my contacts. Now I realize I struggle with just about anything that a normal person can handle with ease, but my contacts seem to be out to get me lately.
From tearing into pieces in my eyes to drying out my eyes, these tiny lenses have really started to annoy me. (That, and anything that comes out of Carrot Top’s mouth. How did that guy become popular?)
Yesterday I woke up and my eyes were especially tired and dry. I definitely wasn’t up late catching up on episodes of America’s Next Top Model and then watching naughty infomercials. Nope, definitely not.
I rubbed my eyes and noticed my vision was a bit blurry. Since I didn’t drink the night before, I was puzzled by my vision difficulties, and proud of myself for abstaining. I’m such a rock of strength.
I figured it was just because my eyes were dry from my contacts, and the blurriness would pass.
It didn’t, and when I saw two of my double chins in the mirror (which for you math geniuses makes a total of four chins), I decided I would wear my glasses for the day and give my eyes a rest from the contacts.
They probably needed it, and I look sassy in my glasses.
Could it have changed again so rapidly? Almost as if it was overnight? Was I losing it? Was this a symptom of a worse ailment, like a stroke? Naturally, I began thinking of all the horrible conditions I could have that would cause my vision to be blurry.
I tend to overreact when it comes to medical issues. It’s not because I want to have a medical condition. Well, except for a tapeworm. I’d like to have a tapeworm for a while so I could lose some weight, and then have it removed…you know, before it kills me.
I just figure if there is someone who will have a strange diagnosis that will lead to even weirder side affects, it’s this girl. (What other 5th grader did you know who had bifocals?) And since I seem to have bad luck with other things in my life, I just assume the worst.
As the day went on, my vision failed to improve and I contemplated my fate as a blind person. The more I thought about it, I realized my rapidly declining eyesight wasn’t really that bad.
I would also definitely get one of those seeing eye dogs and take him everywhere. I would name him Monocle. And since I had a cute dog (Monocle would be adorable and great with people), no one would notice my horrible fashion sense.
I could also blame my lack of fashion sense on my poor vision. You know, this wasn’t turning out to be too bad.
That night I drove to the gym, thinking about how I would need to rearrange my furniture to accommodate for my developing disability, when my glasses slipped down on my nose.
Before I could push them up again I realized something. Wait a minute….I could see better without my glasses on. How was that possible?
At first I contemplated if I had super powers and if I was morphing into a super hero like my husband suspected I would earlier this summer.
But then I thought about it and realized that I didn’t have the ability to fly (or even to do a slight jog) and I figured that would be one of the first powers I would attain if I was a super hero.
That, and the ability to say the word “kumquat” without giggling like a school girl. Seriously, that’s a funny word.
I pushed my glasses back up and it became blurry again, and then pulled them down and my vision improved.
What?! Before I began to panic, I reached up and placed my finger in my right eye…and felt a contact. I did the same with my left eye and found a contact there as well.
Apparently I slept in my contacts and didn’t know it, and put my glasses on as soon as I woke up. No wonder my eyes were so dry. There were contacts stuck to them!
I quickly removed my glasses, folded them up, and placed them in the console of my car, hoping no one saw me. I also quietly vowed not to tell my husband about this, as he would ruthlessly make fun of me.
I also took a moment to say goodbye to Monocle. Although our time together was short, it was great, and he was loyal, even to the end.
Tonight I will be sure to remove my contacts before I go to bed to avoid this issue in the future. Next time my vision improves without glasses, I will know I’m gaining super powers.