As you may know, I recently wrote a blog post about the note I wanted to write to “that guy” at the gym. You all know who I’m talking about. He’s the guy you desperately move away from in the weight room when he’s grunting away and flexing his pecs.
But to keep things fair (and to convince my trainer Marbi that I’m not a man-hater), I decided to write a note to “that girl” at the gym as well. You all know who I’m talking about, and since I saw the epitome of “that girl” this morning at the gym, I am filled with thoughts (and gas) and ready to begin.
1. Lay off the eye make up.
Do you realize you’re at the gym? Wearing a smoky eye is for your night job, which by the looks of your eyeliner for your “daytime look,” most likely involves a street corner and a pair of stilettos.
It’s not necessary to wear make up to the gym. It’s not even necessary to brush your hair to go to the gym.
The fact that you have on several layers of make up tells me that you either came straight from the club from the night before, or you have way too much time on your hands (and mascara).
I have no desire to see your kooter when you stretch your hamstrings, nor do I want to wonder who does your waxing job.
I’m not asking you to wear pants to the gym, but at least wear something that goes halfway down your thigh.
3. Don’t act irritated when people stare at you
Isn’t that what you want? I just guessed you were looking for attention with your caked on makeup and your kooter shorts. No?
Well don’t glare at me when I look at you with judging eyes. You don’t seem to hide your disdain for me when you stare at my protruding belly with judgement, as it’s clear I ate a second helping of hummus last night.
So I will judge you for looking like a hootchie and you will judge me for loving carbs. It’s a fair trade and we’re even, although I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t blow over with a stiff breeze (or a stiff drink).
4. Wear an appropriate fitting shirt
Yes, you have great boobs, but I don’t want to see them bouncing around when you work out. Get a sports bra with some support ASAP. Or at least get one with an under wire.
And don’t act like it’s a coincidence that you wear a tiny tank top and then just happen to run on the treadmill. We all know it’s calculated and you love the feel of your tits hitting your chin as you run your 5k.
And yes, I’m looking at you. Not so much because of how you’re running, but I’m trying to figure out how you are able to lay on your stomach when you sleep, as those things are definitely the largest part of your body, and I’m pretty sure the left one looks like it might explode.
5. Stop wearing jewelry to the gym
Must you accessorize to get your sweat on? I’m lucky if I brush my teeth before going to the gym, and yet you manage to put on earrings, a necklace and the Tiffany’s knock of bracelet you got off eBay.
By the way, congrats for being the highest bidder with your $9.99 bid. You’re quite the high roller. Haven’t you noticed that no one else is wearing jewelry at the gym (except for “that guy” who is probably sporting a fake gold chain).
The only jewelry I wear to the gym is my wedding ring, but that’s stuck on my fat finger for life, and it ain’t going anywhere unless my husband wants to buy me a larger diamond. In that case I will get out the butter and remove it immediately…and then make popcorn.
6. Stop complaining that you’re fat
We all know you aren’t, and you know it too, as evidenced by the fact that you seem mesmerized by your own appearance. And I definitely don’t want to hear you complain that you are full because you ate a salad and a handful of almonds.
I just knocked back 2 cheeseburgers and fries and yet here I am, briskly walking away on the treadmill at a zero incline.
You don’t hear me complaining about being overweight, and I have to wipe sweat out of the various folds of fat on my body. So eat a ham sandwich and quit complaining about your weight.
We all know you look fabulous, which might be one of the reasons we hate you so much. And you’re cute, which just makes it worse.
Okay, I will stop for now, mostly because I’m scared “that girl” at my gym will read this, know I’m talking about her, and then bench press me when I go to the gym next time. (But the joke’s on her, as I’m even heavier than I look and I’m really retaining water).
So the next time you throw on a dirty t-shirt and your favorite pair of stained sweat pants and head to the gym, make sure you keep a look out for “that girl.”
She will be easy to spot, as she’s usually the one surrounded by doting men, and she’s always close to a mirror.