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As you may know, I recently wrote a blog post about the note I wanted to write to “that guy” at the gym.  You all know who I’m talking about.  He’s the guy you  desperately move away from in the weight room when he’s grunting away and flexing his pecs.

But to keep things fair (and to convince my trainer Marbi that I’m not a man-hater), I decided to write a note to “that girl” at the gym as well.  You all know who I’m talking about, and since I saw the epitome of “that girl” this morning at the gym, I am filled with thoughts (and gas) and ready to begin.

1.  Lay off the eye make up.

Do you realize you’re at the gym?  Wearing a smoky eye is for your night job, which by the looks of your eyeliner for your “daytime look,” most likely involves a street corner and a pair of stilettos.

It’s not necessary to wear make up to the gym.  It’s not even necessary to brush your hair to go to the gym.

The fact that you have on several layers of make up tells me that you either came straight from the club from the night before, or you have way too much time on your hands (and mascara).

So tone it down when you come to the gym.  This isn’t Broadway and you don’t need the stage makeup (although I’m pretty sure the stage is where you feel most alive…and how you make your rent payment).

running on treadmill2.  Wear longer shorts

Yes, your legs are nice and toned (and shaved, just like “that guy’s” are), but would you mind throwing on a pair of shorts that go down a little further than just over your butt cheeks?

I have no desire to see your kooter when you stretch your hamstrings, nor do I want to wonder who does your waxing job.

I’m not asking you to wear pants to the gym, but at least wear something that goes halfway down your thigh.

3.  Don’t act irritated when people stare at you

Isn’t that what you want?  I just guessed you were looking for attention with your caked on makeup and your kooter shorts.  No?

Well don’t glare at me when I look at you with judging eyes.  You don’t seem to hide your disdain for me when you stare at my protruding belly with judgement, as it’s clear I ate a second helping of hummus last night.

So I will judge you for looking like a hootchie and you will judge me for loving carbs.  It’s a fair trade and we’re even, although I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t blow over with a stiff breeze (or a stiff drink).

4.  Wear an appropriate fitting shirt

Yes, you have great boobs, but I don’t want to see them bouncing around when you work out.  Get a sports bra with some support ASAP.  Or at least get one with an under wire.

And don’t act like it’s a coincidence that you wear a tiny tank top and then just happen to run on the treadmill.  We all know it’s calculated and you love the feel of your tits hitting your chin as you run your 5k.

And yes, I’m looking at you.  Not so much because of how you’re running, but I’m trying to figure out how you are able to lay on your stomach when you sleep, as those things are definitely the largest part of your body, and I’m pretty sure the left one looks like it might explode.

5.  Stop wearing jewelry to the gym

pearlsMust you accessorize to get your sweat on?  I’m lucky if I brush my teeth before going to the gym, and yet you manage to put on earrings, a necklace and the Tiffany’s knock of bracelet you got off eBay.

By the way, congrats for being the highest bidder with your $9.99 bid.  You’re quite the high roller.  Haven’t you noticed that no one else is wearing jewelry at the gym (except for “that guy” who is probably sporting a fake gold chain).

The only jewelry I wear to the gym is my wedding ring, but that’s stuck on my fat finger for life, and it ain’t going anywhere unless my husband wants to buy me a larger diamond.  In that case I will get out the butter and remove it immediately…and then make popcorn.

6.  Stop complaining that you’re fat

scale1.jpgWe all know you aren’t, and you know it too, as evidenced by the fact that you seem mesmerized by your own appearance.  And I definitely don’t want to hear you complain that you are full because you ate a salad and a handful of almonds.

I just knocked back 2 cheeseburgers and fries and yet here I am, briskly walking away on the treadmill at a zero incline.

You don’t hear me complaining about being overweight, and I have to wipe sweat out of the various folds of fat on my body.  So eat a ham sandwich and quit complaining about your weight.

We all know you look fabulous, which might be one of the reasons we hate you so much.  And you’re cute, which just makes it worse.

Okay, I will stop for now, mostly because I’m scared “that girl” at my gym will read this, know I’m talking about her, and then bench press me when I go to the gym next time.  (But the joke’s on her, as I’m even heavier than I look and I’m really retaining water).

So the next time you throw on a dirty t-shirt and your favorite pair of stained sweat pants and head to the gym, make sure you keep a look out for “that girl.”

She will be easy to spot, as she’s usually the one surrounded by doting men, and she’s always close to a mirror.

27 Thoughts on “Dear "that girl" at the gym…

  1. You’re right on for number 2. I am thoroughly enjoying your blog.

  2. You know Lisa, I was afraid to read this post because I was afraid of being “that girl”. But, YAY!!! I am not that girl 🙂 But, I can think of a few “that girls” at my gym. The one thing I’ve never seen “that girl” at my gym wear is jewelry. That may be due to the fact that I am a New Yorker and in NY no one wears jewelry on the street. The only people we see outside wearing jewelry are tourists and we give them a few sympathetic looks knowing they’re just moment away from getting mugged :/
    Paulin just rambled about…Health Benefits of CoffeeMy Profile

    • Uh oh! We go to New York quite regularly and I always wear jewelry. I wonder if people know I’m a tourist.

      I wrote a blog about how not to look like a tourist in NYC, so I hope I don’t look like one. Here’s a link to it. I promise I don’t normally put links to other blog posts in my comments. Seriously, I don’t. I know you don’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me either, but it’s true!

      http://lisanewlin.com/2012/05/ways-to-be-super-cool-in-nyc-and-not-look-like-a-tourist/

      Wait, when we’re talking about jewelry, we’re referring to things I buy at Claire’s on clearance for $4.99 or less, right?

  3. I wore makeup to the gym today. But only because I was too lazy to take it off last night so off I went this morning to do a class in last nights paint. I know, I am so classy!
    I looked more panda bear than glam but at least I managed to wipe the smudged mascara off from under my eyes with the corner of my shorts because they were long enough to reach my eye when sitting down … great post. Too funny x
    Mama Marmalade just rambled about…Pain & SufferingMy Profile

    • The only way I continue to like you (despite all your working out and marathon running), is because I know we’re two peas in a pod….I just take up way more space in the pod than you do.

      But I love your dedication to wearing pajama pants to the gym along with last night’s makeup. I like to call that a smokey eye look. 🙂

  4. Emily on May 11, 2013 at 10:20 am said:

    We have several of those “that girl” people at my gym. On the plus side, they do provide me with some instant entertainment if I grow bored of watching the TV…

    • I know! I prefer them as entertainment over the TV. The best is when “that guy” and “that girl” are there together and they flirt with each other, which is really just them talking to themselves in the mirror with only passing glances to each other.

      Ah, young love at the gym.

  5. I was thinking of you and your gym rants the other day when I was working out and some things stood out to me:

    1) The girl that walked in and was wearing so much perfume that I almost went into a full blown allergy attack. Perfume at the gym? For reals?
    2) The same girl was wearing a full face of make-up.
    3) One woman was spraying every surface in sight, not just a little wiping off after usage, I’m talking SCRUBBING every thing that her body might come into contact with. WOW, OCD much?
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl just rambled about…Weekly Wrap-Up: The Flushable EditionMy Profile

    • I forgot about the spraying surface woman! Actually, I like to use the machine right after she’s done, as it’s nice and clean, and I know I won’t look as crazy on the machine as she did. She makes everyone in the gym look a little more normal.

  6. 7. Talk on the cell-phone every 5 minutes: “Hi, ..! Guess where I am! I`m at the gym, can you imagine!”

    • AND THEY JUST KEEP TALKING! You know, I don’t hate them so much because they’re talking on the phone, although that’s annoying.

      I don’t even hate them because they’re giving me spoiler alerts on “Project Runway.”

      I hate them because they can talk on the phone while they’re working out.

      Yet another reason they’re evil.

  7. Since I no longer go to a gym, can I just say – “that girl” is still around? Man, she must be tired, because she has been hanging out on the treadmill for way too long. 😉
    Melissa@Home on Deranged just rambled about…Planning with Clooney and ComoMy Profile

    • I think “that girl” will always be around, and you can find her either (1) in the weight room, (2) doing cardio or (3) steaming herself in the steam room.

  8. I just stumbled upon your blog and you are hilarious! I love this post. All of your peeves just further confirm why I don’t go to the gym. Thanks for making me laugh!
    Brooke Gira just rambled about…I Got Dressed … For a GigMy Profile

    • Welcome to my blog, Brooke! I’m so glad you stumbled upon it and I hope to “see” you back soon, but not in a creepy way. I don’t have a camera or anything installed on my site, so I won’t actually see you. I meant “see” you in the metaphorical sense….crap. Now you think I’m a crazy stalker.

      But for reals, come back, although I’m sure you’re not still reading this comment because it’s super creepy.

      Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  9. Ha, ha…way to funny…and so true:)
    Emilia just rambled about…Inspired TV consoleMy Profile

    • Isn’t it ridiculous has accurate it is, and how there are these women at every gym, no matter what part of the country? Sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through my workouts. Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂

  10. ahaha! I love the gym simply for people-watching. Nothing supplies more tweets for me than going to there. And I thought my family was the only one that used the word “kooter”.
    Kate Hall just rambled about…Stick a Cork In It (Weekend Update #12)My Profile

  11. Lol, well said.
    I figured out a way to avoid “that girl”. I simply don’t go to the gym. Problem solved.

    BTW, just to let you know that I nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger award. Keep up the entertaining posts!
    Suzanne Lucas just rambled about…I’d Like to Thank the Academy… and BrandyMy Profile

    • I must admit that I often avoid “that girl” by using your same tactic. I seriously hate the gym.

      Thanks for nominating me! Who knew I could be inspiring? I will have to do a post about it, although i’m sure my readers are scared to know more things about me! 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting and nominating. It’s my first award!

  12. Hahahaha omg! I’ve not laughed this hard in a long time; what a great (& so truthful!) post 🙂 As one of the co-hosts from the My Favorite Posts Weekend SHOW OFF Party! I wanted to personally thank you for linking up with us & to invite you to add me to your G+ circles or follow me on Twitter or Facebook as I’ve done the same with you. Also, I run a link party on my food blog, Anyonita Nibbles where you can link up recipes or food related posts. This week’s party is here: http://www.anyonitanibbles.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/tasty-tuesdays-10.html
    Anyonita just rambled about…Slowcooker Cashew ChickenMy Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! I aim to please and nothing makes me happier than for someone to tell me something like this. It’s even better because I don’t know you, which means you aren’t trying to be nice for fear I will kick your shins.

      I will absolutely add you to my circles, Facebook, etc! I LOVE food so how could I say no to that?

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. 🙂

  13. OMG!!! You are soo hilarious! Thanks for sharing this with us @ The SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party 🙂

    Jessica
    The Wondering Brain
    Jessica just rambled about…Wordless Wednesday – Alamo CityMy Profile

  14. Oh my goodness. YOu are so spot on with this post. I had a girl next to me complaining that her makeup was smearing! You know you are working out and getting sweaty right, I said!! She responded, Well I still need to look good. Head roll!!! Love this post!
    mel just rambled about…Aetrex Sandalistas (Women Sandals) Review-GIveaway!My Profile

    • Anyone who looks good at the gym needs a kick to the shins. Why do you need to look good at the gym?

      I had a sorority sister who always used to say that you should only look good part of the time, and let your guy see you when you look bad, so when you look good, he appreciates it.

      Sounds like chick at the gym should take that advice. She should also invest in eye makeup remover.

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