This year my beloved Cardinals made it to the World Series and I have been glued to each game, rooting them on while stuffing my face with wings and pizza. That helps them win, right?
So this year I have noticed something a little strange as I watch these games. Many of the players have ridiculous mustaches. It’s not specific to one team, as both the Cardinals and Rangers have players sporting the upper lip sweaters.
If one were to turn on the TV and look at these players, he or she would think they were living in 1978 when Tom Selleck was king and the gas crisis had everyone in a tizzy.
Is this look coming back? I hope not, because I know a few women who would be happy to embrace this trend and I don’t want to see that. Come to think of it, a cashier at my grocery store already seems to think a mustache is in style.
Maybe she’s a trendsetter. I don’t know.
But what is with these men and their flavor savors? Although, I wouldn’t mind a more acceptable way of savoring the flavor of guacamole, Maybe these guys, and the cashier at Shop N’ Save, are on to something.
Here’s a look at a few of them:
He’s a pitcher for the Texas Rangers, and by the looks of his face in this photo, he is also extremely constipated.
He also appears to be in the yoga position of Warrior 2, and I’m pretty sure he’s sporting yoga pants under his uniform. But look at that stache. Or should I call it a “wanna-be-stache?” It’s just like Flava-Flave’s career…barely there.
This kid looks like he is in junior high, just hit puberty and is desperately trying to prove his manhood with a few face pubes. I don’t buy it.
If he is trying to make himself look older and more sophisticated, it isn’t working. I would card this guy for liquor, and then steal his lunch money.
I suppose it’s no surprise that Holland is sporting the lady pleaser when his fearless leader is also sporting the same look. Let’s hope Holland doesn’t share the same love of nose candy that Washington did.
Does Washington think he looks good like this? Is he trying to grow hair in the middle of his face to compensate for the lack of hair on the middle of his head?
It looks like the parting of the Red Sea up there and I can’t help but wonder if Fox makes him wear a hat during the games just to keep viewers’ focus on the game and not the rapidly eroding hairline.
Perhaps the mustache is his way of trying to prove he’s capable of growing hair, just not on the top of his head. He also vaguely resembles Bill Cosby to me and I’m not sure why, but I’m waiting for him to appear in a loud colorful sweater and tell me all about Jell-o pudding pops. (Mmm..)
And then there’s this guy. He’s the anti-stache. He’s managed to grow hair all over his face except the mustache.
Is it some political statement he’s making? What does he have against the upper lip hair? Is he trying to counter balance the staches of his fellow team mates?
And who is named Elvis anyway? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have blue suede shoes, nor is he a hound dog. But he does appear to be rocking the Blue Blocker shades so at least his eyes are protected…most likely from the glare off of Washington’s head.
Then there’s Jason Motte. What to say about this guy? He doesn’t just have a mustache, but rather a large bush of hair on his face that I’m pretty sure smells like urinal cakes from all the swirlies he gets in the locker room.
In this photo he looks like a male blow up doll, or like he’s ready to earn his salary as a fluffer on a porno…in 1975.
So enjoy the rest of the series and as you’re downing your beers and stuffing that third hot dog in your mouth (maybe that’s just me), take a moment and be thankful that you aren’t married to a guy with a stache.
And if you are, check out the billboards on the way home for a good divorce attorney, as I think you’ve got enough grounds to start that process.