I’ve only recently started going to the gym, as I prefer to live in denial that I am overweight (and that Sex and The City keeps making movies). Whenever I go to the gym I see all different kinds of people. From the pudgy (myself), to the super fit (my trainer), it seems that all walks of life go to my gym. It’s like a music video for “We are the world.”
But I’ve noticed there are several men that fit the mold of the stereotypical meat head at the gym. I like to refer to this stereotypical gym-goer as “that guy.” You all know who I’m talking about. “That guy” always annoys me so I decided to write him some notes and give him a few pointers.
Here it goes:
1. You don’t need to shave every part of your body.
Newsflash: Men typically have hair on their bodies. It’s a scientific fact and although I don’t particularly like to see a man’s calf covered in hair, it’s the way it’s supposed to be. Hair and a man’s leg go together like peanut butter and jelly or me with any sort of Mexican food.
There’s no reason for a man to be devoid of hair. If you shave more parts of your body than I do, you’re definitely “that guy.”
I realize this may not be a big hurdle to overcome, but still, if you use a lady razor to shave your legs, you better be a girl, or preparing for surgery. Otherwise, keep the hair on your body (except for the back hair. That can go).
However, if you can suggest a razor that gets around the ankles without nicking, email me privately.
2. Spraying yourself down with Axe isn’t the same thing as a shower.
I realize those Axe commercials suggest that any awkward male with difficulty talking to females can remedy that situation with a few sprays of cologne, but it doesn’t suggest pouring it all over yourself like a bucket of Gatorade after a football victory.
Less is more. Except when it comes to chocolate or jewelry, or any episode of Mad About You. Then more is always more…and better.
Women typically aren’t impressed that you spend $10.99 on your “signature scent” when you can’t seem to pay a few dollars a month for a good dental plan and a bottle of Scope.
Get yourself together, buy a 3 pack of Irish Spring and hit the showers.
3. Those sleeveless shirts that are open under the arms are not attractive.
Those shirts have an age limit, which is 10. If you have graduated from middle school and are rocking the cut up t-shirt with extra large arm holes, you are a douche. And the creepiness factor is multiplied by the fact that you have no hair on your pits (see #1).
So give the cut up shirt back to your 5th grade brother and start dressing like a grown man and do what everyone else at the gym does: wear t-shirts from college in an attempt to relive your glory days. Then go bong a beer….and NOT Michelob Ultra.
That’s just too stereotypical. And don’t even think of trading the armless shirts for wife beaters. We all know you don’t have a wife, because if you did, she would never let your nose hair get that long.
4. Stop staring at yourself in the mirror. It’s creepy.
Wait until you get home to make googly eyes at yourself. We all know you’re going to go back to your smelly one bedroom apartment and make sweet love to yourself to the soundtrack from Rocky, but please don’t give us a preview at the gym. (Although listening to the soundtrack from Rocky IV is completely acceptable.)
I don’t want to imagine you and your smooth legs laying on your Superman sheets going to town. Lock that up and keep it to yourself.
5. No one looks good in a weight belt.
No one looks good in a weight belt because all weight belts are most likely covered in years of sweat from washed up athletes hoping to try out for arena football (and then promptly get cut).
And the weight belt over your XL sweat pants makes it look like you’re strapping yourself into a safety harness for an afternoon of window washing.
Although I’m sure you can scrub a mirror without leaving streaks (how else would you be able to swoon over yourself at home?), no one wants to see you rocking the weight belt.
And watching you struggle to buckle the double buckle is just embarrassing and awkward for everyone.
6. No one believes you’re drinking a protein shake.
Although we enjoy watching you pound a half gallon of liquid at a time, we all know it’s not a protein shake, but rather chocolate milk your mommy made for you before she drove you to the gym. The jig is up.
So you can stop slamming TruMoo and stop pretending you’re lactose intolerant. We are on to you, and honestly, we just don’t care; after all, milk does a body good, although your body probably needs to lay off the spray tan. No one is that orange (except for Lindsay Lohan).
Hopefully this note will get to “that guy” everywhere and I can single-handedly reduce the population of this species of men that seem to be invading gyms everywhere. If this plot is successful, you can thank me with monetary donations or anything from Chipotle.
If it isn’t successful, that’s okay, because these annoying characteristics help everyone to identify who to avoid when walking to the parking garage alone.