I’m sure it comes as no surprise to any of you that I love to eat. If it does come as a surprise, you’ve obviously never met me, or seen me make sweet love to an all you can eat buffet.
I talk about eating and food the way new parents talk about their babies, although I’m pretty sure new parents don’t dream of smothering their babies in butter and hot sauce.
If they do, they should be reported immediately.
I’ve been at a loss about what to write about for a blog post, as nothing exciting has happened to me over the last few days. I know, I know. I can’t believe it either.
Usually I at least say something embarrassing or spill something on someone, but this week has been slow.
So decided to write about what I know best, aside from farts. Eating and gaining weight.
I’m really a pro at both of these things and if it were a career, I would be the Albert Pujols of the profession, although I don’t pronounce the word “man” as “mang”. So here it is, my guide to gaining weight.
A Gaining Weight for Dummies of sorts.
1. Cover everything you eat in melted cheese
Seriously, this will change your life.
I never knew vegetables could be so delicious, but smothered in cheddar, they aren’t too bad.
The Mexicans are onto something with their love of melted cheese on all dinner items, and would you disagree with the country that brought you fried ice cream? It’s frozen, yet fried at the same time!!!!! Mind boggling!
So embrace the culture, step up to the microwave and start melting away. (Mariachi band music is optional).
2. Always get seconds, and thirds
I always plan on getting seconds and will actually put less on my plate so I can go up for seconds.
Okay, I really don’t put less on my plate, but I tell people I do so they won’t judge me when I leap from the chair and head to the kitchen for a second helping.
Getting seconds also shows respect to the chef, who would definitely be offended if you didn’t get seconds.
I mean, if you’re at my house and don’t get seconds of my special meal of cut up hot dogs and macaroni and cheese, I will personally be offended.
And everything is better with cheese. See number 1…which will frequently lead to you having to go number 2.
3. Pre-eat before a meal
This way you can come to dinner and say you’re starving, and no one will know that you secretly ate a box of Fruit Roll Ups before coming to the dinner table.
**Author’s note: If you pre-eat (and why wouldn’t you?), make sure to remove all evidence of pre-eating. (Dispose of wrappers, bribe the fast food workers not to tell, etc.)
Also, try to stick to things that don’t spill or make a mess. Coming to the table with a chocolate milk stain on your shirt and cookie crumbs on your face doesn’t bode well for your allegations of hunger.
It may also keep you from getting seconds, which would be a travesty.**
4. Don’t limit yourself to three meals a day.
Take eating seriously and remember that practice makes perfect. Do you think Tiger Woods got to where he was by only putting a few hours a day? No.
He spent hours a day practicing his drive, and then “drove it home” to several slut bags in the wee hours of the morning.
I’m not suggesting you engage in extramarital affairs with women whose faces could sand down a deck but, you should treat eating like the serious job it is and take it seriously.
Then you can follow in Tiger’s Nike swooshed footsteps and claim your eating is an addiction so no one will judge you. Get serious!
To quote Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch; “If you ain’t in it to win it then get the hell out.”
5. Eat late at night
Do you know what makes a double cheeseburger from McDonald’s taste even better? Eating it while watching late night reruns of The Nanny.
If you aren’t into Fran Drescher’s screeching voice, anything on Nick at Nite will do.
So grab a bag of chips (not the baked kind…those are for amateurs) and stuff your face with carbs and cheese all night long.
Then promptly call in sick to work in the morning.
6. Follow up everything you eat with a dessert
You don’t want to leave your palette tasting like Frosted Lucky Charms after breakfast. Or maybe you do. They are magically delicious.
Make sure to follow up all meals and snacks with a dessert.
I recommend Hostess 100 calorie snack packs, but don’t eat just one. (See rule number 2).
7. Don’t be afraid to fry everything
When gaining weight, fried food is definitely your friend.
Charmin Extra Soft will also be your friend as well if you eat enough fried items. These two usually go hand in hand…literally.
I recently attended a party where we fried everything, and I can assure you that although spinach is fairly tasteless by itself, when fried and smothered in Parmesan cheese, it’s quite tasty.
What did I tell you? Everything is better with cheese.
And don’t get me started on fried ice cream and fried bananas….perfection! So get out that deep fryer and a bottle of Pepto Bismol and start frying away!
Okay, that’s all I will give you for now. This should be enough to get your blood pressure spiked and your buttons popping off your jeans. Rest assured I have plenty more suggestions to expand that waistline and ensure you never see the tops of your feet again.