For those of you not familiar with trivia (you clearly don’t live in a Catholic city like I do), it’s a night where tables of people get together, put down some cash, bring a ton of unhealthy food and compete with other tables to answer trivia questions.
Most trivia nights have alcohol…which is why I participate. The free alcohol combined with the fatty foods make it the perfect night for me.
The fact I can smack talk other tables is just an added bonus, and icing on the cake.
My husband and I gathered some of our closest friends and we got a table. Truth be told, I picked the friends based upon whether I believed they would bring good food to the trivia night. Knowledge of trivia we had…homemade guacamole….now that’s something we needed.
Naturally, my friend Downtown Christy Brown (not her real name), was an obvious choice, based solely on her ability to eat large quantities of food.
I put on my most comfortable pair of jeans, which were the ones with a stretchy elastic waistband to allow for maximum eating, and headed out the door to the trivia night.
From sandwiches to cookies, we wanted to have all bases covered in case our friends failed to bring good food for the night.
The worse case scenario would be fruit and vegetables.
We found a table and deemed it ours. It was strategically located near the bar. We didn’t want to have to walk far for our free drinks.
After all, I was working out and didn’t need the additional cardio on my way to get a beverage.
We sat down and unwrapped our goodies. Naturally, I started eating immediately, trying to get as much as possible before the others arrived.
I like to eat without others seeing me, mostly because I inevitably spill something on myself during the process.
Pajama Jeans (not her real name), and her husband, The Funniest Man Alive (not his real name) arrived, and did not disappoint.
Pajama Jeans spent her afternoon making a variety of delicious foods. Despite her small frame, she managed to make delicious, fattening food.
Usually I don’t trust thin people who cook, as their waist size is usually quite telling as to whether they know how to fry some chicken, but Pajama Jeans didn’t disappoint.
She brought puppy chow, chips and salsa, and chocolate covered strawberries. After looking at the food spread she brought, I felt a little bad about cursing her thin frame under my breath when I initially saw her.
The rest of our friends arrived and the food selection was great. Based upon the large number of complex carbs and enriched flour at the table, I knew it would be a good night.
Each participant received a ticket for a door prize. Directly on the ticket it stated “place this ticket in the proper place.” We saw a container on a table near the door prizes that said “tickets for door prizes.”
None of us are geniuses but we figured we needed to drop our tickets into the door prize container and hold our breath that one of the large beer bottle coin collectors would soon be ours.
Just before the trivia, the announcer called out our names and asked us to come to the front. Woo hoo! We were excited we already won something before the night officially began!
Because I’m a generous spouse, and because I couldn’t pry myself away from the mini sandwiches at our table, I sent my husband bouncing up the aisle to collect our winnings.
I was hoping for a new bike, but I didn’t want to be greedy. A new scooter would do as well. I already had practice on one.
My husband returned from the front, his face fallen. Apparently we were a bunch of idiots (not necessarily a news flash).
Although the container said it was for the door prizes, it was for the organization’s tickets, not ours. We were supposed to hold on to our tickets for the door prizes. We didn’t win a bike.
I found inner strength in the bottom of the hummus, and we forged ahead.
The questions began and the woman reading them began the first round without announcing the category. For seasoned trivia goers like us, we were horrified a round would start without a formal introduction.
We loudly objected from our table in the back and were promptly advised the first round’s category was T.V.
We were stoked! T.V? That was for amateurs! My husband and I watch more T.V. before 10 a.m. than most people do all day!
The first question came and it was a bit of a doozy. The second, third, and fourth questions in the T.V. round were just as hard and we realized we were in a bad way. The questions weren’t from T.V. shows from the last 10 years…they were all old shows.
Not to be outdone, I decided if I was writing the answers, and we didn’t know them, I would at least make what I wrote entertaining for those reading them. I was also hoping to score a point or two for creativity.
For round one, here were the questions and a photo of our answer sheet:
1. What was the name of four Sweathogs in “Welcome Back Kotter?” 2. What were the names of the two families on the show “Soap?” (I liked this answer.) 3. Can you name all 8 children from “Eight is Enough?” 4. What was the name of Radar’s dog on “M.A.S.H.?” 5. What was Alice’s last name on “The Brady Bunch?” 6. What does “Star Trek” have in common with “T.J. Hooker?” (We actually knew this.) 7. What was the name of the news reporter on “WKLP in Cincinnati?” 8. What was the name of the town in “Little House on the Prairie?” (I wanted to put B.F.E., but someone thought they knew the answer so I was overruled.) 9. What was the name of the lake in “Bonanza?” 10. What famous person’s mother was on the show “The Jeffersons?”
We knew the last one because I’m obsessed with The Jeffersons and can recite the theme song by heart.
Please note that at the bottom, in an attempt to get some “street cred,” I pointed out that one of our table members adopted a dog from the rescue, so they had to be nice to us. I’m not above bribery and idle threats when it comes to trivia.
Or anything else.
If the first round was any indication of how we were going to do, we were in trouble, and so was the bar, as our consumption would go up significantly.
Fortunately, the rounds got a bit easier, and we did fairly well. Unfortunately, the night got a bit long, as the woman reading the questions was slow. Not slow, like she couldn’t name the president…but slow as in actually slow. Like she read the questions at a snail’s pace.
At one point during the night we got so bored that we wanted to see how I would look in braids. Aside from my creepy, serial killer smile, I don’t think I look too bad.
By the time we got to the seventh round, we were highly annoyed at the slow pace, and stuffed full of carbs and somewhat slap happy. That’s when the real fun began.
Halfway through the seventh round, in a rather abrupt fashion, the woman reading the questions said she needed to excuse herself for a moment for a bathroom break. After eating junk for a few hours, we all knew what kind of bathroom break she was taking.
But, to be sure, I followed her into the restroom to do some recognizance for my table. I owed them that much.
I followed her, my braids blowing in the wind she was leaving in her wake. She ran to the stall where she was there for a solid 7 minutes.
It was quite telling, but we felt her pain. Literally, we felt her pain. I think we were all a bit jealous that she was doing what we all wanted to do, but were fearful of social repercussions.
Our speaker returned, looking relieved and three pounds lighter. We continued with the trivia.
One of the rounds dealt with various famous people, and judging by her answers, the speaker wasn’t the most worldly .
One of the answers was Copernicus, the beloved astronomer who was wrong about the sun being the center of the universe.
Clearly, our speaker never took an astronomy class (or a Tums before the trivia night), because she pronounced his name as Copper….nick…us…with the question mark at the end.
She then went on to provide another answer which was Boris Yeltsin. Now that’s not a hard name to screw up. She called him “The dictator, Boris Johnson.”
Hmm…not only was he NOT a dictator, his last name wasn’t Johnson. Another table corrected, and she quickly changed her answer to Boris Yeltsin, buried her head in her bag of M&Ms and moved on. We did the same.
By the end of the night we were exhausted. We didn’t win but ended near the top, which was pretty impressive considering some of our answers.
Either that, or it says a lot about the other people playing at the trivia night…
We will no doubt begin the trivia circuit once the trivia night season begins.
Until then, I’ll be watching T.V, reading about Copper-nicus and learning more about that horrible dictator, Boris Johnson.