SMACKDOWNI am a library fanatic.  I love to read and I love getting things for free, so the library is my happy place, as it is a marriage of those two things.

I am at the library several days a week, which probably means I’m pathetic, but anyone who reads my blog already knows that’s true.  The fact that I hide Snickers bars in my closet only makes it worse.

I usually request books from the library via the internet, as I am lazy and like to let my fingers do the work while my mouth munches on a snack.

When my requested item is ready, the library sends me a notice via email.  I then jump for joy and head down to the library to pick up the item.

I get unreasonably excited when I get a notice that a book is ready, which again, is more than a little sad.

So the other day when I received an email from the library, I opened it immediately to see what gem was ready to be picked up. I was hoping it was a notice that the newest best seller was ready for me in large print.

dog reading bookYes, I prefer to read large print.  I’m an 80 year old woman at heart…and in eyesight.

I received a notice that I had an overdue book on CD.  I was immediately shocked, as I returned that CD weeks ago when I exchanged it for Tori Spelling’s newest attempt at a book.

She failed miserably, but I enjoyed making fun of her and her horse teeth.  I decided I would take care of this in person.

I threw on a bra, as I wanted to look professional, and headed down to my local branch.  When I arrived I found an employee who weighed about 90 pounds and was swimming in her “I heart horses” t-shirt. I found this ironic as part of my reason for the visit was good ole horse-teeth.

girl holding bookShe greeted me with a half-smile, and judging by her teeth, I discovered the library doesn’t have a good dental plan.  I advised her of my receipt of an email saying I hadn’t returned Five Families.

It’s a mafia book.  Don’t judge.  Since The Sopranos is over I have to get my mafia fix somewhere and this is cheaper than a trip to Jersey.

I told her I returned the CD a few weeks ago, so I felt the email was in error.  She looked at me as if I was lying to her face and told me she would look into it.

She then proceeded to check the computer, and confirmed that it said I still had it checked out.  I reassured her I had returned it, all the while wondering why I was so worried about what this librarian thought of me.

She then told me to “stay put” while she checked the stacks…as if I was going to grab a bunch of FREE books and run out of the FREE library.  As I don’t like being told what to do, I didn’t stay put, but wandered over to the movie section.

She did NOT look this nice when she checked the computer.  Or ever.

She did NOT look this nice when she checked the computer. Or ever.

I’m such a rebel.

She returned and said the CD wasn’t on the shelf so clearly I still had it.  I reminded her that I had returned it.  What incentive did I have to keep a book on CD that was old and smelled like a combination of fried calamari and urine?

I may have contributed to the fried calamari smell, but the urine smell was NOT mine.

She told me I probably had it in my car.  I reminded her that since I didn’t come the distance to the library on my skateboard, I had my car, and I checked again before I came in to complain.

Clearly she didn’t believe me.

She told me in a very stern voice that she would put a note in my file that said I claimed I returned it, but that it would stay on my record until the CD was found…as if that blemish was going to keep me from voting in the next election.

I told her I could live with the consequences.  I couldn’t believe how difficult she was being and why she wouldn’t take the word of a thirty year old woman in shorts and a t-shirt that said “T-shirt time.  It’s T-shirt time.”

boy hiding

This kid is creepy, but secretive.

Didn’t she notice I put on a bra?

I walked to the car, irritated with her accusations, most likely while she was inside the library printing off my photo and placing it on a bulletin board to warn others of my shady behavior and attempts to steal free items.

I drove home in silence, and was so annoyed by the time I got home that I dropped my keys on the ground as I got out of the car.  I bent over to pick them up and noticed something under the seat.

As I looked closer I saw a photo of the bloody body of Paul Castellano and knew I was staring at the CD of Five Families.

I have yet to devise a plan on how to return the CD to the library without the horse-loving librarian seeing me smuggle the contraband into the building.

I would rather listen to another CD recording of Tori Spelling attempting to read a book than admit I found the CD exactly where she said it would be.

Perhaps I will bake a cake and put it inside the cake, or maybe I will just return it to the shelf when she’s not looking.

Either way, I will be writing a check to the library to make up for the overdue fine I would have incurred had I looked a little harder in my car.

Anyone want to go to the library with me?  You will need to bring a big purse…

7 Thoughts on “Smackdown at the library

  1. HILARIOUS!!!!! Seriously, HYSTERICAL!!!!

  2. Anonymous on July 14, 2011 at 9:06 pm said:

    Does your brother know that book is on CD? He will be disappointed that he read all 800 pages!!! Reminds me of the book “Trip to the Farm” that was missing for several years before I found it in your closet..

  3. Anonymous on July 14, 2011 at 10:00 pm said:

    Loved it! Doesn’t that little librarian know enough to honor the bra? Seriously?!? Very funny post, Lis. Hoping your next library adventure provides as much entertainment, but less frustration!

  4. Love it! Although, I just got the “go look in your car” comment for a book that I returned. I really did return it and it’s not in my car. Ha.

  5. BTW, I don’t routinely sign my comments with my full degree, but apparently this is linked to my professional account!!

  6. I love it!! Especially because I believed it wasn’t in your car, too! So how painful was Tori Spellings’s attempt at a book??

    New follower 🙂
    Jennifer Ricketts just rambled about…Feature & Follow #9 ~Which author would you want to hang with?~My Profile

    • I KNOW! I honestly didn’t think I had it and I felt like such an asshat. I made my husband take it back a few days later and drop it in the return bin outside the library.

      And the Tori Spelling book was painful, but I couldn’t stop listening to it. What was worse, but also hilarious, was that she was the one reading the book, so you really could hear how dumb she was.

      The dialogue really was like this:
      “He said….”
      “She said….”
      “Then he said…”
      “Then she said…”

      It was like she (1) didn’t have a ghost writer and (2) didn’t have an editor and (3) didn’t have a publisher who read the book.

      Obviously it was awesome.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I appreciate it so much! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

Post Navigation