I am at the library several days a week, which probably means I’m pathetic, but anyone who reads my blog already knows that’s true. The fact that I hide Snickers bars in my closet only makes it worse.
I usually request books from the library via the internet, as I am lazy and like to let my fingers do the work while my mouth munches on a snack.
When my requested item is ready, the library sends me a notice via email. I then jump for joy and head down to the library to pick up the item.
I get unreasonably excited when I get a notice that a book is ready, which again, is more than a little sad.
So the other day when I received an email from the library, I opened it immediately to see what gem was ready to be picked up. I was hoping it was a notice that the newest best seller was ready for me in large print.
I received a notice that I had an overdue book on CD. I was immediately shocked, as I returned that CD weeks ago when I exchanged it for Tori Spelling’s newest attempt at a book.
She failed miserably, but I enjoyed making fun of her and her horse teeth. I decided I would take care of this in person.
I threw on a bra, as I wanted to look professional, and headed down to my local branch. When I arrived I found an employee who weighed about 90 pounds and was swimming in her “I heart horses” t-shirt. I found this ironic as part of my reason for the visit was good ole horse-teeth.
It’s a mafia book. Don’t judge. Since The Sopranos is over I have to get my mafia fix somewhere and this is cheaper than a trip to Jersey.
I told her I returned the CD a few weeks ago, so I felt the email was in error. She looked at me as if I was lying to her face and told me she would look into it.
She then proceeded to check the computer, and confirmed that it said I still had it checked out. I reassured her I had returned it, all the while wondering why I was so worried about what this librarian thought of me.
She then told me to “stay put” while she checked the stacks…as if I was going to grab a bunch of FREE books and run out of the FREE library. As I don’t like being told what to do, I didn’t stay put, but wandered over to the movie section.
I’m such a rebel.
She returned and said the CD wasn’t on the shelf so clearly I still had it. I reminded her that I had returned it. What incentive did I have to keep a book on CD that was old and smelled like a combination of fried calamari and urine?
I may have contributed to the fried calamari smell, but the urine smell was NOT mine.
She told me I probably had it in my car. I reminded her that since I didn’t come the distance to the library on my skateboard, I had my car, and I checked again before I came in to complain.
Clearly she didn’t believe me.
She told me in a very stern voice that she would put a note in my file that said I claimed I returned it, but that it would stay on my record until the CD was found…as if that blemish was going to keep me from voting in the next election.
I told her I could live with the consequences. I couldn’t believe how difficult she was being and why she wouldn’t take the word of a thirty year old woman in shorts and a t-shirt that said “T-shirt time. It’s T-shirt time.”
Didn’t she notice I put on a bra?
I walked to the car, irritated with her accusations, most likely while she was inside the library printing off my photo and placing it on a bulletin board to warn others of my shady behavior and attempts to steal free items.
I drove home in silence, and was so annoyed by the time I got home that I dropped my keys on the ground as I got out of the car. I bent over to pick them up and noticed something under the seat.
As I looked closer I saw a photo of the bloody body of Paul Castellano and knew I was staring at the CD of Five Families.
I have yet to devise a plan on how to return the CD to the library without the horse-loving librarian seeing me smuggle the contraband into the building.
I would rather listen to another CD recording of Tori Spelling attempting to read a book than admit I found the CD exactly where she said it would be.
Perhaps I will bake a cake and put it inside the cake, or maybe I will just return it to the shelf when she’s not looking.
Either way, I will be writing a check to the library to make up for the overdue fine I would have incurred had I looked a little harder in my car.
Anyone want to go to the library with me? You will need to bring a big purse…