We grabbed the leashes, which led to a ridiculous amount of barking from all three dogs. We walk our dogs every day, and every day when we get out the leashes, it’s as if it’s the first time they have ever seen them. They jump and run around the house in excitement, doing celebratory dances and throwing their toys in the air, which I assume is the canine equivalent of a fist pump or a high five.
After getting all three dogs leashed up, we descended upon the neighborhood. We walked for a good half hour until it began getting dark and Matt and I began dreaming of frosty beverages, our reward for our hard work walking the dogs. As we headed back home, we came upon several flying insects in a band (not a musical band, although that would have been far more entertaining to see insects playing the banjo and the guitar. But rather, they were in a large group).
Before I could identify what the insects were, or thrust my loving husband into the swarm first as a pawn, I felt a sharp pain in my left thigh. It wasn’t so much a sting as a burning sensation that penetrated deep into what should have been leg muscle. Since I am not in shape and pretty sure I have no upper thigh muscles, the burning went deep into the fat deposits on my leg which are a result from a combination of ice cream, pizza and Mike and Ike’s. (Had I kept up with P90x, perhaps the sting would have only hit muscle and not fat, and it wouldn’t have been so painful, but Tony Horton’s cheesy one-liners on the videos were equally as painful as the throbbing from the sting, so I figured it was an even trade off).
Fortunately we were close to home, because with each step, the burning in my leg continued. We arrived home, removed the leashes from the dogs, and sent them to the water bowl for hydration (the dogs, not the leashes). I then removed my lounge pants to see the damage. What I found was a large, red area that was raised and painful to the touch. I realized that I must have gotten stung by a hornet or a wasp, as the sting was far worse than any normal bee sting. I applied ice to the site and figured it would be better in the morning.
When I awoke this morning I got out of bed and made a bee line (no pun intended) to the kitchen for a heaping bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. Instead of being greeted with the chocolaty goodness that only the Flintstones can offer, I was immediately greeted with a sharp, stabbing pain in my left thigh. With every step, the pain in my thigh intensified and I realized it was the hornet sting that was the culprit. I looked down at the sting site and discovered that it tripled in size during the night and it was now a large red area the size of my hand. It also had a fever (and I’m pretty sure the prescription was not more cowbell, although I suppose I should have tried that).
I used to have allergic reactions to bug bites when I was a kid, and back then I would put meat tenderizer on it to get the swelling and fever to go down. (I’m not sure if this was an effective remedy, or if my mother just enjoyed seeing what she could get me to do with meat tenderizer, but I figured it was worth a shot). So, I hobbled to the kitchen, dragging my swollen leg behind me, looking like a war veteran with a bullet wound. I located the meat tenderizer and went to work creating a paste, which I subsequently slathered onto my left thigh.
I then spent the rest of the morning reapplying the paste, all the while smelling like a butcher shop, and craving a fillet Mignon. My husband spent the day theorizing on whether I was morphing into a super hero, and whether my new identity as a super hero would be good or bad. He seemed to think I would be a villain, but that was probably based upon the death stares I was throwing his way. He frequently checked my back throughout the day to ensure I hadn’t sprouted wings (the first sign of a metamorphosis, according to him).
So far the swelling and fever on my thigh have not subsided, nor has the stabbing pain, and my dogs are following me around the house, most likely convinced I’m hiding a tasty treat since I smell like a meat bone. Hopefully the symptoms will subside soon. If not, I’m going to start paying closer attention to my senses to see if I may actually be morphing into a super hero.